If Your Boyfriend Is Two-Timing You, Here's How To Handle It
He cheated! So, what's next for you...?
getty Have you just discovered that your boyfriend has done the unthinkable and is two-timing you? Are you in the midst of a serious crisis now?
There's truly nothing worse than discovering the person who you loved and trusted has chosen to be intimate with someone else. The betrayal and hurt you're feeling right now are significant.
Fortunately, you can learn how to manage that pain and process the feelings so you can move forward, whether you want to forgive or walk away.
So, if you found out your boyfriend is two-timing you, here are 5 things you need to do.
1. Call him out.
First and foremost, you need to tell your boyfriend that you're aware of the cheating. No matter how you found out, let him know that you know, what you know, and demand to hear from him what happened.
He will most likely deny the charges at first. He won’t want to hurt you, and likely feels guilty about what he's done. So, his sense of self-preservation will kick in.
If you know for a fact that he did it, don’t let him convince you otherwise. You're just setting yourself up for pain again in the future.
It's essential that your boyfriend own up to what he's done or is doing. If he doesn’t and gaslights you by saying that you're crazy and paranoid, you can no longer trust him.
Without trust, your relationship is doomed.
2. Talk about it.
If your boyfriend has admitted that he is — or was — cheating on you, it’s time to talk about the where and why.
For many people who have been cheated on, the need to know details is significant.
How did it happen? Where did it happen? How long has it been going on? Why did you do it?
They are so taken aback by it all, that they just need more info.
If your boyfriend is two-timing you, push him to give you the details you need. Usually, if the one who was cheated on has the details they need, they are more able to move forward with the relationship.
He might not be willing or able to give you details, due to is his guilt, or because he doesn’t want to hurt you. He might even try to brush off what happened as "no big deal."
If this happens, make it clear to him that, without your questions answered, you won’t be able to move forward together.
It's also important to decide, together, whether you truly want to work through this and build a happy relationship. It's essential that both parties are truly interested in making things work.
If the cheater wants to try, but the girlfriend knows that she can’t get past it, there's no point in trying. If the girlfriend wants to make it work, but the guy isn’t all in, then the relationship will never be a healthy one.
So, talk about what happened and what you both want to do moving forward. Working through this, no matter the outcome, is a team effort.
3. Think about it.
Once you have the information that you need, it’s time for you to step back and process what you know. It's really up to you to decide what you want to do moving forward.
Think about self-blame.
Do you blame yourself for not being good enough? Do you tell yourself that you were stupid to not have recognized what was going on?
If you are engaging in these negative thoughts and self-talk, know that you aren’t to blame. Yes, there are two people in every relationship, so two people are responsible for its weakness — but you chose not to cheat.
You're not to blame.
Think about whether you can move forward with your person. Is there a chance that you could trust them again and be willing to work to repair your relationship? Can you forgive them?
I'm not saying that you should forget what happened, but will you be able to be with this person and every time you look at them not think about the infidelity?
Will you constantly remind them that they betrayed you?
If you won’t be able to forgive them or continue on with the self-blame and the need to hurt him, getting past this infidelity will be difficult.
4. Don’t act on it.
You may feel like you want to reach out to the person your boyfriend cheated on you with. Don't do it!
Many women have a tendency to blame the other person. They think the other person seduced their partner, and that their partner would never look for someone else on their own.
They believe that if they can confront the other person, it will be easier to move on.
I had a client who did just that and, instead of helping her move on, it held her back from healing in a big way.
The other person gave her details of what happened, told her of conversations that involved laughing at her behind her back, of his promises that he would leave his girlfriend and run off with him.
My client was devastated.
When a lover is confronted, they will often say horrible things. They might be feeling guilty or angry that they're being abandoned, betrayed by their lover, or any such complicated feelings.
As a result, they might say mean and nasty things, some of which might not be true.
And those words from a jilted lover — whether they are true or not — could damage beyond repair your relationship with your boyfriend, making it impossible for any chance to move forward together.
5. Walk away from it.
This is a hard step but one that's important to take if necessary. The last thing that you want is for this infidelity to define your relationship and your life.
If your partner isn’t willing to take responsibility for what happened, give you the details that you want, and be willing to work through things in the effort to mend your relationship, then it might be time to walk away.
Cheaters often stay cheaters, unless their original relationship changes significantly.
Don’t kid yourself into thinking that your boyfriend won’t cheat on you again without him being willing to take responsibility for both what he did and what he needs to do to fix it.
You may want to stay in this relationship, that the idea of being alone or getting back out there in the dating world scares you, or that you'll regret letting go of them in the future — I get that.
But the reality is that the longer you stay with a cheater who's not willing to take responsibility for his actions, the more likely that you'll be cheated on again. Then, you will not have the chance to find someone who truly loves you and would never stray.
Finding out that your boyfriend is two-timing you is devastating.
The person you love and trusted has betrayed you. You're probably feeling worse than you might ever have in your life.
Take these steps to work through what has happened.
Confront your boyfriend — let him know what you know. Talk to him about it and see what your chances are for working through it together.
Take stock of your feelings, so that you can learn how to manage them. If necessary, be ready to walk away. And absolutely do not talk to the cheating partner. Period. The end.
Being stuck in a relationship where the cheater isn’t going to take responsibility for his actions is something that you don’t want to do.
You have your whole life ahead of you. Make sure that you're going to share it with someone you can love and trust, not someone who isn’t willing to take responsibility for their actions.
This might be hard but you can work through this, no matter the outcome, and come out the other side stronger.
You can do it!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based certified life coach and mental health advocate. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live. Contact her for help or send her an email.