Will I Ever Find True Love? What To Do If You're Afraid Of Being Alone Forever
It definitely feels that way sometimes ...
Olena Sergienko on Unsplash There comes a time in most everyone’s life when they are afraid that they may never find true love.
For a long time now, you may have been doing everything you can think to do in order to find the person of your dreams — online dating, being social at parties, asking your friends to set you up, etc.
You may even have met someone (or several someones), but they didn't turn out to be "the one" person for you.
Will I ever find true love?
It’s exhausting, this dating game, and at times it seems hopeless. But I am here to tell you that it’s not!
Before you give up on finding "the one," here are five things to do to set yourself up for finding the true love of your life.
(I know that they work because I tried them myself and, two years in, I'm still living happily ever after!)
1. Reflect
An important part of finding true love is making sure that you are in love with yourself. Many people seek love and affirmation from an outside source, specifically a lover. It's only through their lover’s eyes that they feel whole and happy. Only in the company of their person do they feel strong and confident and worthy of love.
Who, may I ask, needs this kind of pressure? Certainly not your person. As a result, because we don’t love and know ourselves, our relationships fail.
So, if you are afraid that you may never find true love, take some time and get to know yourself. Take a good look at who you are in the world, including what your goals and values are, outside of a relationship.
Is there a part of that person who might need some attention? Would understanding that part of yourself and helping that part heal feel good?
After my divorce, I worked hard on figuring out who I was. I did lots of therapy, tons of yoga and took many long walks. I volunteered at a food shelter and learned the value of purpose and giving back. I spent time alone, not always by choice, but I learned to really appreciate it.
And then, when I was ready, I started my own life-coaching business and began public speaking. I renewed my sense of purpose and my self-confidence grew exponentially. It was then that I met my guy. And because of how I felt about myself, I was able to give myself fully to love without being clingy or needy. It felt good!
I know it seems daunting, getting to know ourselves and doing the work outside of a relationship but it is, I can promise, the most important thing that you can do to ensure that you will someday find real love.
2. Refocus
Sometimes, an important part of finding true love is to stop looking for it. Sometimes, the dogged pursuit of something only pushes it farther away.
Do you spend all of your free time thinking about your potential partner? Do you spend hours swiping right and left and engaging in conversations that go nowhere? Do you find yourself more often than not discouraged by your journey?
If this is the case, then perhaps it’s time to take a break and focus on something else. Perhaps you can dig into your work a little deeper or volunteer somewhere and make a difference. Perhaps you train for a marathon or take that trip you have always wanted to take. Anything that would make you happy and feel fulfilled and allow you to do some of the work that I talked about above.
The benefits of giving yourself a break from dating is multifold. Dating can be very discouraging and not having that daily discouragement can do wonders for your moods and your feelings of hopelessness. Doing things that you love can fill you up with that happiness that will allow you to attract happy people. AND, putting yourself out in the world will open you up to many new opportunities to meet other people. You never know, one of those people might be your person and you never might have met them with your eyes on your phone, swiping.
3. Redefine
Does your dating profile contain well defined specifics about what you want in a person? Do you have criteria about height, income, location, age and marital status? Do you tend not to even consider people outside of those definitions?
How is that working out for you so far?
Allowing yourself to only consider a narrow swath of the population as a good fit for you really limits your chance at finding happiness. I know that we all have a ‘type’ but that ‘type’ hasn’t necessarily worked for us so far so perhaps it’s time to find another ‘type.’
I know that if I had met my guy on a dating site I would have swiped right past him. He was separated, living in NH, 5 years older than me and he had a mustache!! Never in a million years would I have gone out with him. Luckily, I met him IRL and connected with him immediately.
So, take a good hard look at your criteria and see where you might be able to broaden things. Give some people a chance who you might not have previously done so. Do things differently and things might end up differently.
4. Revisit
A really important step in finding true love is to take a good hard look at what has happened in our previous relationships. By doing so, we can get a good sense of what we want and what we don’t want in our next one. We can define what went wrong and figure out how to do things differently.
I know that a big thing for me is to have a guy who does what he says he will do. I know that’s not always possible but I want not doing it to be the exception and not the rule.
It took me 20 years of marriage and five years of post-divorce dating to figure this out. And once I was able to figure it out I was able to ask for what I wanted — to have my guy follow up on what he said he would do.
There were other things that were important to me, like reasonable alcohol consumption, a good relationship with family and similar values, and being able to identify those allowws me to look out for them when I was dating. More importantly, knowing these things allowed me to see the red flags when they popped up before I got too attached.
So, take some time and revisit what has happened in your past relationships so that you can learn from your mistakes and not make them again. Doing so will help you find the true love that you have always sought.
5. Rest assured
A key part of finding true love, even if you are afraid that you will never do so, is to believe that you will.
I know that it’s easier said than done but if you don’t believe, if you give up and are lonely and bitter, then your being alone might be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I believe that only if you have faith that something will happen does it happen.
A few years back, when I was feeling as lost as you might be right now, I created a love dream for myself. I wrote a few paragraphs about what I wanted my love future to be. It involved my love for myself, the way my man made me feel and what our life looked like.
I kept that love dream somewhere where I could read it often and I did. Reading and rereading it gave me hope, even in dark times.
I found that love dream a few months ago, tucked away in a pile of papers. Literally everything that I had envisioned for myself 5 years ago has come true.
So, don’t give up. Believe that your love is out there. I know they are.
If you are afraid that you will never find true love, I am here to tell you that there are things that you can do to make sure that you do live happily ever after.
First and foremost, take a step back if you need to and get to know and love yourself. Make sure that you know who and what you want in a relationship because it’s hard to find things if you don’t know what you are looking for.
And, most importantly, don’t give up. Love is out there for you — just you wait!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live. Contact her via email and get started now!