5 Things To Do To Accept That He Doesn't Want You, So You Can Move On
It's painful, but you have to do it to move on and be happy!
getty Learning to accept that he doesn’t want you might be one of the hardest things to do.
When you and someone you love break up, you're often left devastated. The pain is so intense and you'll do anything for it to go away, including lying to yourself.
And one of these lies is the hope that you can still save the relationship, that if you twist yourself into who he wants you to be or give him sex or stay in touch, he will recognize that he made a mistake and take you back.
All of those things are in your head, a product of your brain trying to process the pain of the breakup — they will get you nowhere.
If you want to find happiness and love, it's essential to do the work of accepting that he doesn't want you. If you can accept this truth, you will be able to let go and move forward.
It's not always easy but it's possible.
Here are 5 things you need to do to accept the fact that he doesn't want you so that you can finally move on.
1. Recognize red flags.
Ah, yes, red flags — everyone hates them, don’t they? Why? Because red flags are those things that people ignore in an attempt to save their relationship.
I have a client who was in a relationship with someone who seemed to always have one foot out the door. He would tell her he was coming over and then he would show up four hours late or not at all.
When he did come over, he just wanted to have sex. He didn’t ask about her day or take her out on dates.
She justified his actions some way or another. And, she told me none of these things until after they finally broke up, so I knew that she knew that those things were not OK.
Your partner might tell you that they want to be with you, but it’s important that you look at their actions, as well. If you sense that anything is off, pay attention, and don’t explain it away.
If you do recognize red flags, it might just help you accept that he doesn’t want you.
2. Talk to your friends.
Think about that time you were sitting with your friend and she was telling you some god awful story about a guy she was seeing.
The stories were truly horrible and all you could think was, "Why is she still with this guy? It’s so clear that he is blowing her off."
And when you tried to point it out, she was full of excuses for his behavior.
Well, right now you are that person, the one sitting with a friend, and telling the stories. And your friend is the one there, rolling her eyes, and telling you to walk away, fast.
Listen to them! Most often, your friends have only your best interests in mind and they see things more clearly than you do right now.
You have friends for a reason — they help you see clearly!
3. Listen to their words.
My client whose boyfriend didn’t show up on time — or ever — was always telling her that he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship, that he had to work on his sobriety, and get his shit together.
She believed that if she could just love him enough, take good enough care of him, that he would see that he did want to be with her, and they would live happily ever after.
And, while he was always telling her he didn’t want a relationship, he was happy letting her cook him dinner, drive him to work, have sex with him, whatever he needed.
And she was happy to do it because she wanted him to love her.
If your guy is letting you do all of these wonderful things for them but is still telling you that he doesn't want to be in a relationship, listen to him. It might make it easier for you to accept that he doesn't want you.
4. Write things down.
After my client finally let go of her boyfriend, she started telling me what things had really been like in the relationship — he wasn’t showing up, was treating her badly when he did, and how he told her, over and over, that he didn’t want to be in a relationship.
In spite of all of those things, she still couldn’t accept that he didn’t want her because she looked at each issue individually, not as a group.
She didn’t see the systemic patterns that indicated that he didn’t want to be with her.
I had her start writing down the things that he did to her as she remembered them. A lot of them, her mind had pushed way down deep because of her denial but they popped up when she dug for them.
Within the first day, she had a list a full page long. Over the next week, it became even longer.
When she saw all the things that he had done listed in front of her, it was easier for her to see that he had been treating her badly and sending her signals for a long time that he didn’t want to truly be with her.
She was the only one trying to make it work.
So, take stock of the words and deeds that he's saying and doing that don't make you feel so good. If you see them all together, then it might make it easier for you to accept that he doesn't want you.
5. Move on.
Yes, it's hard to hear that it’s time to move on.
You've been working for months — or years — to make this relationship work, and now I'm telling you that it’s time to give up. Ugh.
I have a client who was enmeshed with a narcissistic alcoholic for 10 years. She couldn't let him go and accept that he didn’t want her. I encouraged her to date, and eventually, she did.
And it helped so much!
What getting back out there did for her was to remind her that she is beautiful, that there are men who want her, to remember what it felt like to be wooed and appreciated.
And, eventually, she did meet a guy who wanted to be with her and treated her like a queen, and they are now living happily after.
Stop sitting around, mooning over someone who doesn’t want you.
Put on some high heels or sneakers, and get back out there. There are a million guys out there who would be lucky to have you.
Working to accept that he doesn’t want you is not an easy thing. You want this relationship to work and letting go is killing you.
But you can do this and you can find happiness. I promise!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based, certified life and love coach. Let her help you find, and keep, love in this crazy world in which we live. Email her at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and get started!