5 Red Flag Signs It's Time To Stop Hooking Up When You're Drunk
It was fun while it lasted.
AYA images / shutterstock.com It's Sunday morning and you've just woken up in a stranger’s apartment. After stumbling home, you're wondering to yourself why you keep doing this — going to bed with someone new after a night of partying.
Hey, no shame! Fun is not forbidden.
But maybe, just maybe, there might come a time when you decide that it’s time to stop hooking up when you’re drunk.
Here are a few signs to help you figure out if it's time to change your choices.
5 signs it’s time to stop hooking up when you’re drunk.
1. You're starting to hate yourself.
Be honest. The last time you woke up in a stranger’s bed, feeling dehydrated and confused, did it feel good?
Did you look at yourself in the mirror and celebrate the fact that you had too much to drink and had therefore chosen to go home with this person?
Did you celebrate the fact that you didn’t really get to make the decision about whether to do this or not, that the booze made it for you?
I know. I've been there. More than once over the course of my dating life, I have gone home with someone I didn't know well after a few too many tequilas. And, the next morning, it never felt good.
So, think about what has happened after you have hooked up with someone when you were drunk.
Did doing so make you feel bad about yourself? Do you feel like you wouldn’t have made that choice had you been sober? Do you feel like you compromised who you are by sleeping with someone you didn’t even know?
And do you hate yourself because you keep doing it over and over?
Imagine what it would feel like to wake up on Sunday morning, hungover but in your own bed, wearing your PJs, and with your favorite cereal just a short walk away in the kitchen.
Imagine that you don’t have to spend a minute berating yourself for doing something stupid, wondering how the person you slept with feels about you, questioning what you did or said because you really don’t remember.
2. People are talking.
When I was in high school and college, a girl getting a "bad reputation" was the kiss of death, socially. A girl who changed sex partners frequently was a girl who wasn’t respected by men or women.
Times have changed. It has always been the case that a woman has the right to do what she wants with her body and no one should judge her for it, but the reality is people are more open-minded now. That said, a person who chooses, repeatedly, to sleep with someone when they are drunk is likely to be talked about.
Why? Because seeing someone regularly getting drunk and doing stupid things gradually erodes someone’s respect for you. Even if they're guilty of doing it themselves, people will judge.
And, often, hooking up with someone when you're drunk is ... messy.
Perhaps you recently broke up with your boyfriend and, instead of keeping your promise to your girlfriends that you would take a breather from guys, you chose to sleep with another guy while you were drunk. Again, totally your choice and your prerogative.
Or perhaps you sleep with a friend’s ex because you weren’t thinking clearly and you mess up your friendship as a result.
When things like this happen occasionally — or worse, regularly — people start to look at you a different way, especially people who don’t really know you well.
They might think that you're a habitual bad choice maker. They might think that you purposely hurt other people. They might think that you are scared of commitment. They might think that you don’t respect yourself. They might think you have a drinking problem.
And this will suck. It will hurt. And you might find that it affects friendships and interferes with the potential of having a happy, healthy, romantic relationship.
3. You aren’t getting anywhere.
I can’t tell you how many of my clients, and my friends, hook up with someone when they're drunk and find themselves repeatedly shut down as far as moving the relationship forward.
Instead of taking the time to share who they are with someone when they're sober, they get buzzed and fall into bed with them before that person knows them as a human being.
And, as a result, the chase is over. Their sex partner is no longer interested in pursuing a relationship.
I have a client who has repeatedly had sex with men when she's drunk and the guys always ghost her afterward. She gets wooed with words of admiration and interest and the alcohol has brought her walls down, so she sleeps with them. And then they disappear.
And she knows that she does this every time. But, when she has been drinking, she just can’t help herself. She wants so much to believe that this time will be different, that this person will be her person, but it never happens that way.
Why? Because instead of letting the other person get to know her as a person who deserves respect, that person only sees someone who falls into bed with someone because she is drunk.
And, more often than not, that doesn’t lead to any kind of committed relationship.
4. You aren’t getting any pleasure.
Two aspects of sex provide pleasure — the interpersonal connection and the physical pleasure — the orgasm. And when you have sex when drunk, more often than not, both of those pleasures just don’t happen.
Think about the last person you hooked up with when you were drunk. How was it? Was there an amazing connection between the two of you?
Did you spend hours looking into each other’s eyes? Did you both go out of your way to make each other feel good? Did you wrap up in each other’s arms afterwards, feeling cared for, and fade off to sleep?
If you were drunk, probably not.
And then there are the orgasms. I don’t know about you but, after a few tequilas, my ability to orgasm decreases a lot. It might be fun fooling around a little bit buzzed but being left hanging every time is a drag.
Or, even worse, how about when you wake up the next day and you don’t even remember if you did have an orgasm. And if you did, whether it was any good or not.
When you're drunk and you have sex, you're going through the motions but most likely denying yourself those amazing pieces of pleasure that come with making love. So why bother?
5. You're hurting other people.
This is something that many people who hook up with someone when they're drunk don’t take into consideration — the other person.
Yes, you might feel bad about yourself. You and other people might be questioning your choices. You might not be finding a relationship. And all of those things are bad.
But what about the people you're sleeping with? What if you slept with someone who you knew had a crush on you but who you weren’t interested in?
Perhaps you drunkenly made someone feel bad about their performance in bed? Perhaps you ghosted them because you were so embarrassed?
Imagine how all those things would make someone feel.
So, if you won’t stop hooking up when you're drunk for yourself, consider doing it for other people.
No one sets out to hurt another person so why would you want to do it?
Are you now thinking about whether it’s time to stop hooking up when you’re drunk?
There are many things you shouldn’t do when you're drunk. Drive. Swim. Text your ex. Call your mother. Buy a car. Get on an airplane.
Why shouldn’t you do those things? Because they're dangerous and could lead to serious harm.
Sex, a very intimate thing, is definitely one of those things that should not be done drunk. And the opportunities for harm are just too great.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based, certified life and love coach. Let her help you find, and keep, love in this crazy world in which we live. Email her at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and get started!