3 Painfully Honest Signs You Need To Break Up Even If You Still Love Someone
Make a better possibility for both of you.
Michael Tucker | Unsplash Are you in a complicated or toxic relationship, wondering if you'll ever be in a healthy one? Are you thinking maybe a breakup is the right way to go, for your good and theirs? I get it. Letting go of someone you love is not easy. This is a complicated question worth serious consideration before taking action.
What is a toxic relationship? When you constantly ask yourself, "Should I break up with my boyfriend?" something is wrong. Unhealthy relationships don't just happen without a reason. Knowing when to stay and when to break up is vital for your health and happiness, as well as for your partner, even though it hurts.
Here are 3 painfully honest signs you need to break up with someone even if you still love them:
1. Their baggage is hurting the relationship (and you).
Are you madly in love with a person who is damaged? Someone who has baggage from past relationships, struggles with family issues, has anger or insecurity issues, or is dealing with substance abuse? Your partner's baggage can make it difficult to be with them.
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You can't fix their problems. Many of us stay with people even if they aren’t making us happy or make us miserable because they have issues we believe we can fix. We believe they can’t possibly get better if we don’t stand by their side. And those are admirable thoughts. I understand they come from a place of love, but if you love them, you should consider letting them go for their good.
Stop enabling unhealthy behavior. Many of us who stick around because we think we can fix our person or they need us is enabling damaging behavior. We tend to overcompensate for our partner's damage — perhaps justifying their drinking or molding ourselves to be someone different from who we are so as not to trigger them about lost love. We tiptoe around them to prevent an angry outburst. These things are understandable, and you probably feel supported, but they aren’t helping your person get any better. They could be making them worse.
Help them get better by letting go. If you can find the strength to let your damaged person go if you can tell them you love them and you want to help and support them, but all you are seeing is them getting worse and your relationship getting more unhealthy, you're giving your person a chance to get better.
If you let your partner go and they find that not only are they alone but also not in a relationship where someone is overcompensating for their issues, they will be way more likely to get help. Yes, you may be worried if you let them go, they will get fixed and find someone else to live happily ever after with, and it might happen.
But if you hold onto hope they will get better so you can live happily ever after, you won’t. You will just be miserable. So, if your person is struggling in a way that is hurting your relationship, consider letting them go for their good. They have a better chance to be healthy and happy, and so do you.
2. You don’t love them the way you should.
I remember when I was married and unhappy, I used to think about letting go of my husband so he could find someone who made him truly happy. But I still loved him, even if we were struggling, and the thought of him being with someone else made me sick to my stomach. So, for selfish reasons, I held on, and we were both miserable.
Allow them to be happy. If you love someone but know you don’t love them enough, let them go. Let them have the opportunity to be happy, to find true love, and not live a life as full as they deserve. I know it’s scary, and you're worried if you let go of this person, you might never find love again. And I get it. But if you don’t let go of a person who you don’t love the way you should, you are doomed to years of misery. I promise if you let them go, you will find someone else to love.
So, if you look at the person you are with and feel love for them, but not enough, let them go. Give both of you a chance to find happiness and the healthy relationships you both deserve. After we divorced, my ex and I were lucky enough to find our soulmates, and we are both living happy lives now. I still remember the feeling in my gut, but I am glad things turned out the way they did.
3. You are yo-yoing.
Are you in a relationship with someone you love but aren’t sure you want to be with? Perhaps you aren’t happy with how they treat you and feel restless, or want to spend more time with your friends. Perhaps, because of this, you tell your person you need some time. You move out of the house, stop calling, or ghost them. You put an end to the relationship.
Then a day, a week, or a month later, you go back to them. Perhaps because you hope things can be different, you feel lonely, or perhaps because hanging with your friends got boring. Whatever the reason, you go back. Then, after some time, you realize nothing has changed and you still don’t love this person the way you want to. So you leave again. This is called yo-yoing, and it can be devastating for the person being left behind. I have many clients who are subjected to yo-yoing and I can tell you, without exception, yo-yoing destroys their self-esteem.
Wishy-washy behavior is cruel and destroys their self-esteem. They are left feeling like they aren’t good enough, wondering why you can’t love them in the same way they love you. They try to change who they are, hoping things will be different this time. They are tormented by what their partner does after breaking up with them.
If you find yourself coming and going with your person, stop! Try looking outside of your own selfish needs and let them go. Let them find themselves to know they are enough and stop their torment about what you will do next. If you can do this, both of you will have the chance to be happy and find love — and not be stuck on this hamster wheel of trying to make something that is broken work.
Considering letting go of someone you love for their good is a big deal. When we first meet and fall in love, we have many hopes and dreams for the future. Letting go of those hopes and dreams can be devastating. Learning how to know when to break up can be difficult. But, ultimately, letting go of someone you love for their good and yours is the best course of action. The goal in life is to be happy. Letting go of someone you love will make another possibility for both of you.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.