10 So-Called Bad Things About Partners With ADHD That Are Actually Brilliant
For people with ADHD, there are two kinds of time, now and not now.
Anastasiia Nurullina | Canva If you've ever dated or married someone with ADD or ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), you know there are a unique set of circumstances and relationship problems that come with trying to circumnavigate ADHD symptoms in your love life. You may feel unappreciated or overburdened. Fortunately, there are ways to work with your partner's ADHD and build a truly exceptional relationship.
One reason you may be struggling is you are trying to make a person with ADHD fit into a traditional relationship or domestic structure. If you understand what makes people with ADHD tick — and what makes them so special — you can break the cycle they've probably faced their whole lives of feeling like a failure and start co-creating a relationship where someone with ADHD will thrive.
Here are 8 so-called bad things about partners with ADHD that are brilliant
1. They know how to get around the "I can't do it!" feeling
For those of you who don’t have ADHD, you can usually get something done when you buckle down, determined to do it. People with ADHD just can’t do that.
They can and do try, but often, a bright, shiny object distracts them, and the task at hand evaporates. But all hope is not lost. When people with ADHD find ways to buckle down and focus when they don't want to, they become some of the most flexible, skilled people when it comes to problem-solving.
For instance, a person with ADHD is so comfortable with the feeling of "UGH! I don't want to do this at all" they know how to work around it. For instance, they may find doing a physical chore while writing their term paper keeps them active enough to complete both tasks.
Author Christie Sausa was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and explained, "As I got older, I figured out how to “mask” my inattentiveness. But I would still struggle to figure out what people were saying, filling in the blanks after zoning out. I would sit in college lectures, scrolling on Twitter under my desk. My college teachers probably thought I was disrespectful, but it was the only way to make it through the class and absorb the material."
Sausa continues, "I focused better when I was doing something else simultaneously than if I was forcing myself to pay attention to just one thing. But to everyone else, staring into space or doodling in notebooks (how I got through my math classes, which is why I still can’t grasp algebra) looked like not paying attention. "
People who don't have ADHD may not have the skills or practices in place to work around such a discouraging feeling. This gives folks with ADHD an advantage when it comes to uncomfortable feelings — once they've learned to work with their ADHD instead of against it.
2. They find ways to keep life exciting
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A via Shutterstock
People with ADHD can be constantly living on the edge, looking for the next thing to make them feel something. A study exploring the link between ADHD and engagement in risky behavior in the Journal of Attention Disorders helps show how this could mean doing drugs, having lots of sex, or jumping out of airplanes.
Whatever it takes for them to feel like they are alive and in control. While this can be negative and dangerous, it can also make them curious about healthy things like new hobbies, endurance sports, and taking on increasingly challenging tasks. Often, people with ADHD thrive in service and volunteering to help others because the tasks are constantly changing and "scratch" the drive for novelty.
3. They don't rely on typical outlets for external self-esteem
Because of a lifetime spent struggling to do the most basic tasks and the derision that often comes from other people when they feel let down, people with ADHD struggle with a chronic lack of self-esteem, as shown by a study in L'encephale Journal. This lack of self-esteem can cause intense depression and lead to increased cognitive deficiencies.
But it doesn't have to be that way. With support, people with ADHD often discover they can't get the affirmation through typical routes. Maybe they struggled to get good grades or didn't fit in with the "cool kids." So, they adapt to find interesting and unique ways to succeed. Maybe it means sports, hobbies, friendships with other unique people, or innovating new and interesting products or solutions.
4. They listen differently to create lively conversations
Mangostar via Shutterstock
The minds of people with ADHD go a mile a minute. Much faster than many of you who don’t struggle with ADHD.
Because of this, they are easily distracted by the next thing, as opposed to what is in the now. As a result, they might not remember what is said to them. They want to, but they can’t. People with ADHD don’t mean to do this, but they do.
With greater public understanding of the ADHD mind, it has become more acceptance of how people with ADHD communicate — and more opportunities for people with ADHD to advocate for themselves. For instance, people with ADHD may interrupt when someone is talking to share an anecdote from their own lives.
To a neurotypical person, this might seem rude. But, if the person with ADHD understands the "why" behind it, they can explain it and get the other person engaged. For instance, they can say, "I'm so sorry I interrupted, but that's how I relate, and I get so excited to be able to connect with people on this — it shows I'm engaged in what you're saying."
Once people understand the why behind these different patterns of communicating, they can feel appreciated and join in on the tempo, and often feel like it's a more fun, lively way to converse.
5. Household chores become more interesting
People with ADHD struggle to complete even the most basic tasks. As a result, the non-ADHD person will be left doing a significant portion of things to be done. This can lead to frustration and resentment on the part of the non-ADHD person and feelings of shame from the person struggling.
Furthermore, what can often develop is a parent/child dynamic in the relationship where the non-ADHD person becomes like a parent to the ADHDer.
This is not a good dynamic for two people in a romantic relationship for many reasons. However, once a person with ADHD and their loved one understand why this dynamic happens, they can adapt and create a more open dialog around the division of labor and a more flexible, adaptable system.
Psychologist Sharon Saline explained how ADHDers have "the ability to act on instinct. Often, this is framed negatively for people with ADHD (and sometimes it can be), but being able to act on instinct and make quick decisions can also be a powerful asset. "
For instance, a person with ADHD may need to shift tasks often, so instead of having weekly chores be the same, you may need a list that gets negotiated every Sunday to keep it interesting. While this may not be how a neurotypical person has been taught to handle chores, it can benefit everyone by keeping resentments to a minimum (because you'll be communicating about chores and your feelings about them weekly instead of every few years).
6. They thrive with dedicated 'together time'
For people with ADHD, there are two kinds of time. "Now" and "not now." Because of this, they live completely in the moment. The concept of moments down the road means nothing to them. As a result, it’s very hard for them to prioritize anything, much less their partner, unless conversations around priorities are reframed in ways that work for the person with ADHD.
The good news is quality time must be discussed and planned early and often, and, much like conversations around chores, to create a system where your time together can be kept interesting and dynamic rather than stale and repetitive. In addition, the non-ADHD partner can be reminded that "not now" doesn't mean "I don't love you." It just means the person with ADHD isn't ready or able to give you their full attention at the moment and would rather wait until they can.
7. Getting bored at work can inspire innovation
Seto contreras via Shutterstock
Because they have a hard time completing tasks and staying focused, people with ADHD can struggle at work. To be successful at work, people with ADHD need two things: A boss who understands them and excellent support staff.
If they don't have support, then they need to advocate for themselves. For instance, when they're bored with their task, they can ask for more or different responsibilities or an opportunity to re-envision their tasks.
This is why so many successful inventors and businesspeople tend to be on the ADHD-Autism spectrum. They aren't comfortable working on the status quo. They get bored and antsy, and they want to do something new — and it is a great place for innovation to take place!
8. Their approach to intimacy can keep things interesting
Many people with ADHD struggle with intimacy over the long term.
The reasons are varied. Part of it is they often just can’t stay focused while doing rote, repetitive dates or having long, drawn-out conversations. They far more enjoy doing something structured and rewarding, like working or being on their phones, or playing golf.
Another is the person with ADHD has an itch they want to scratch, and multiple partners is a way to do it. Once they have "caught" you, they could move on to the next person.
The good news is people with ADHD may be more inspired to keep their relationships interesting. If they are aware of their patterns and address any issues related to them, they can be the most fun, engaging, and exciting partners. As long as they feel safe, they may be inspired to find creative ways to connect physically and unique ways to have adventures together.
Partners of people with ADHD may find they open up emotionally best when they're having an adventure and moving their bodies. For instance, on a road trip to explore a new little town or while hiking.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.