5 Reasons Why You Might Be Sad In A New Relationship
Bittersweet.
joshua resnick/shutterstock Are you feeling sad in your new relationship, but absolutely dumbfounded about it because you are super happy with the person you're with?
You have found the person you'd always hoped you would find, and yet you're still sad and missing your ex.
This feeling is horrible, but it’s very common. And it doesn’t mean that you should leave this new relationship and go look for your ex.
It means that emotions are complicated and with some knowledge and self-awareness, you can accept the sadness as temporary and move forward to embrace the wonderful relationship with your new love.
Here are 5 reasons you feel sad in a new relationship after breaking up with your ex.
1. You're still comparing them to your old partner.
One of the things you do when you go out on dates with new people after breaking up with someone is you compare them. No matter how toxic the relationship, you sit across that table from your date and measure them up against your ex.
Ironically, what you usually measure is the good things you remember about your ex. Sexual chemistry is the one I most often hear, but it can also be other things, like their ambition, their kids, their interests, etc.
This comparison is natural, but often your brain steers you in the wrong direction.
I would encourage you to make a list of all of the things about your ex that made them your ex. Be honest. It’s easy to forget the things that went wrong, but if you dig deep, you will find them.
After you make your list, make a list of the good things in your new relationship, and about how good you feel without it. I am guessing if you're happy, there are many.
Making these lists on paper will help you see exactly why you shouldn’t be with your ex, sexual chemistry or not, and why you're happy in your new relationship, and that the sadness will pass.
2. You miss the comfort.
No matter how long you are in a relationship, patterns of behavior are developed. And these patterns are familiar and hard to change.
Whether the patterns are good ones, like eating pizza on Fridays or going for a walk every night, or bad ones, like fighting every morning about who will walk the dog or having to count drinks over the course of the evening, these patterns are yours and hard to let go of.
Furthermore, in new relationships, you often feel insecure because things are so new and you long for the comfortable, what you know so well.
Just know that, as your relationship continues to grow, so will your comfort level. As it grows, you will be able to let go of your ex and your old ways and be happy.
3. You have to let go of old dreams.
When you embark on a new relationship, with it comes big hopes and dreams for the future. And with a breakup, those dreams go up in smoke. And that's sad.
I remember the dreams I had with my ex. I had loved him in college, and was so looking forward to going back to a college reunion with him by my side.
You would live together and work together and heal together. You talked about where you would live and growing old together. And then, one day, it was over. And those dreams were dashed.
I am sure that you and your new partner have big hopes and dreams. But those hopes and dreams are different from the ones you had with your ex, and it will take you a while to let go of them and embrace the new ones.
4. It's the end of an era.
When you end a relationship, you end an era. An era of time together as a couple, with friends, traveling, being with each other’s families, perhaps having kids together, or getting a dog. And when a breakup occurs, that era is over.
With a new partner comes a whole new friend group, trying to figure out how to manage the relationship, getting to know each other’s habits, and introducing each other’s pets.
This new era is exciting and new, but that doesn’t mean the old one wasn’t special in its own way.
If you can accept that looking back at the past, good and bad, isn’t going to get you anywhere, you'll be able to recognize that this next era is going to be great, and that will help you alleviate your sadness.
5. You haven’t let go of what happened.
One of the reasons you might feel sad in your new relationship is because you haven’t processed what happened in the old one.
I know that it took me a full year to get past my ex, in spite of the fact that I was very happy with my new guy. After a toxic two-year relationship, I decided one day that I just had to walk away.
I knew that if I talked to him at all, he would suck me back in, as was our pattern. So, to save myself, I never talked to him again.
I don’t believe in closure because I truly believe that it’s just an excuse to spend more time in the presence of your soon-to-be ex, but I also know that there were some things left unsaid between us. And that was unsettling.
But now, three years out, I've been able to let go of what happened and fully lean into my new relationship. It took a while, but time and doing some work with my therapist helped me process what happened and move forward without looking back.
I know you might be feeling sad in your new relationship, and that is not unusual. Fortunately, it's most likely something that will pass sooner or later.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based certified life coach and mental health advocate. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live. Contact her for help or send her an email.