5 Painfully Honest Reasons He Won't Let You Break Up With Him
It's not romantic; it's abusive.
Nicoleta Ionescu | Shutterstock You and your boyfriend are miserable. You're not even in a healthy relationship, anymore. And, yet, when you try to start a breakup conversation, he won’t let you break up with him! Do you try to repeatedly walk out the door or ask him to leave, only to have him refuse? Are you going crazy, trying to get out of this relationship and move on? Is even your mental health suffering because of it? Figuring out how to break up with someone who doesn't want to break up can be maddening. But, when you understand the reasons why he won't leave, you can get rid of him for good!
Here are 5 painfully honest reasonshe won't let you break up with him:
1. He wants the power
When you try to break up with your boyfriend, does he say, "You won’t be doing the leaving... I will"? Does he refuse to respect your wants and needs because it’s all about him? I have a client who's been having an affair for years and she wants, more than anything, to end it. Whenever she tries, he threatens her, swearing that he will be the only one who decides when they are over.
And he usually walks out, only to reappear a few days or weeks later, like nothing ever happened. If your guy wants the power, dig deep and get some power of your own. If he doesn’t want to leave, you leave, even if it's just for a few weeks. If he leaves and then tries to worm his way back in, don’t let him. You have power in this relationship and your life. Use it!
2. He wants someone to take care of him
Every guy just wants to be taken care of. No matter how successful or independent they are, having someone tend to their needs is a key part of their happiness. Imagine if you broke up with him — who would take care of him? I have a client who took care of her man in a big way. She paid for the furniture for his apartment. She cooked and cleaned and walked the dogs.
She was always there, waiting for him when he got home after work. She loved taking care of him, so she did. As time went on, she felt like he was taking her for granted. He stopped coming home to spend time with her. When he was home, he was crabby. She continued to take care of him but was getting nothing in return. Soon, she decided that she was done. Whenever she broached the subject of breaking up with him, he begged her to stay. He made promises that he would change — promises of love and forever.
And so she stayed and continued to take care of him. And he went right back to taking her for granted. He needs someone to take care of him and he won’t let you break up with him because he doesn’t want to lose his chief bottle washer. So, what do you do? You stop taking care of him. That should do the trick.
3. He likes the intimacy
Many men are very much driven by intimacy. They think about it 24 hours a day and will do almost anything to have easy access to it whenever they can — and that means you. If you break up with him, he will no longer have access to the thing that he craves. Instead of coming home to you every night, he will have to make an effort elsewhere.
And, while men love intimacy, making an effort to get it isn’t always so appealing. Furthermore, intimacy which is the result of conflict, which is often ever-present when people are trying to break up, is really good. So why would he walk away from that? The cure for this issue? No more intimacy. Period.
4. He doesn’t want to have to date again
Be honest: isn’t one reason why you struggle to break up with him because you're wavering a bit? Does the idea of putting yourself back out there and dating again make you almost wish that you could just stay and make the best of it? I'm guessing the answer is "yes." And it’s the same for guys.
Dating is a drag. Why would he want to put himself through that, especially if you're taking care of him and being intimate with him? Stop making his home life so comfortable. Instead, start going out with your friends and not sitting around waiting for them. Try to rebuild your single life so that when you're out, you're ready to hit the dating ground running!
5. He's embarrassed
Many men are very prideful. To look good in the eyes of others, especially other men, is what drives him to succeed. If you want to break up with him, instead of the other way around, then he loses face. I have a client whose boyfriend offered to let her break up with him but only if she continued to make appearances for Sunday night dinner at his folks' place. He had been through a few relationships before and his brothers gave him a lot of grief about it.
The idea of having to take more flak because his girlfriend had broken up with him filled him with dread. He didn’t want to face it. Is your guy embarrassed that you're breaking up with him? Is he embarrassed about another failed relationship? Has his pride been damaged, big time? If the answer is "yes," talk to your guy about how you can manage this breakup in a way that won’t make him lose face.
That way, he can walk away with his head held high, not embarrassed that things didn’t work out, again. Knowing why he won’t let you break up with him is the key to understanding how you can do so. But, now that you know why he won’t let you break up with him, you can take back your power, stop giving without receiving, and make sure he knows that dating again is more appealing than staying with you! The only way you're going to find the love and happiness that you deserve is if you can get out of a relationship that isn’t serving you. It's easier said than done, but you can do it! It's time to move on.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.