10 Tiny Transformative Rules For Women Who've Had Zero Luck In Love
They might want you, but more importantly, you have to want them.
Scorpio Images | Canva Too often, I see women devastated by their dating experiences. Despite their best efforts, their dates never treat them how they deserve to be treated. Their lack of success in dating has little to do with the people they date. Rather, they become too emotionally entrenched in the experience too quickly and fail to see how they create problematic dating dynamics. You see, I used to make these same mistakes until I took dating advice to heart, recognized my part in the process, and began dating and eventually married a man who treats me the way I deserve to be treated. For women looking for how to find love, here are some rules you should always follow if you want success.
Here are 10 transformative rules for women who've had zero luck in love:
1. Get off the pity train
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Let go of the self-defeating thoughts holding you back. How fun is it to hang out with someone who only puts themselves down?
Think about how people are drawn to someone with confidence. A person with confidence seems to love life. They don't complain about themselves. It is a much more pleasant experience. If you don't feel confident, fake it until you do. You will probably see a difference in how people interact with you.
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2. Never cry about them
I mean it. Never cry about them — they aren't worth it. Sure, there are some jerks out there. Don't give them your power by allowing yourself to feel bad.
We train people how to treat us. If you can work on your assertiveness and confidence, you will find a relationship with someone who respects you. Until then, it will just be the same person with a different name.
3. Keep an air of mystery
This is a big one. We all have baggage. Throughout a relationship, your significant other will learn more about you. Until that point, don't over-share.
This especially applies to telling someone how you feel about them. If you have been dating for two weeks and think they might be the one, don't tell them! However, if after two weeks you start fantasizing about marriage and children, we need to talk.
Slow yourself down and find a distraction. There is no way you know enough about them that quickly to make a life-long commitment. If that is where your mind is, you are missing some key data.
4. Only put in a 50 percent effort
This sounds harsh, but it is true. Think about it in mathematical terms: if you put in 100 percent effort, how much is left for them to give? Honestly, when it comes to dating, less is more. The less effort you put in, the more they have to come forward. This becomes a diagnostic of how invested they are in you. If they don't come forward, run, do not walk. If they put so little effort into your dating relationship, what will happen once they get comfortable?
5. Make them come to you
This is especially true for the first few dates. If you go to their house on the first date instead of them coming to pick you up, I have two words for you, "Booty call". If they aren't willing to invest the energy to at least come pick you up and have something planned for the evening, just say no. If they ask you to come to them and have no game plan, they are just looking to hook up. A person who genuinely wants to spend time getting to know you will put in the effort.
6. Never see them with less than a seven days' notice
This doesn't have to be hard and fast, but the point is that you should not accept a date on Wednesday or Thursday for that weekend. You are a busy woman. They need to plan if they want your time.
A lot of people are thrilled by the chase. A woman who has nothing going on and is always at someone else's beck and call is not desirable for a relationship. She is desirable for hooking up. So, let me ask you, "Do you want to be an afterthought or do you want to be respected?"
7. Never call them unless returning a call
Don't be clingy. I can't emphasize this enough. People will easily get turned off by a woman who calls or texts too much. It is overwhelming and can end a relationship before it starts. Again, you are a busy woman. You have so many people and activities competing for your time and attention. You don't have time to call them.
Let them call you at least for the first couple of months. Again, this becomes a diagnostic of how much energy they want to invest. After your relationship is more established, call them but still limit how much you call. They are not a best friend with whom you should spend hours on the phone. If they have hours to spend on the phone, they can use the effort to see you.
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8. Never return a call or text immediately
Remember, you are busy, busy, busy. Don't sit waiting for a call or text. If this is anxiety-provoking, find some other way to spend your time. You can bet they aren't sitting by the phone waiting for you to call. Meanwhile, your life is passing you by. Get out there and live it.
9. Do not get physical
Hopefully, by this point, this goes without saying. For the first couple of months, you should limit your physical intimacy. Remember, people like a challenge. This, however, is not to say they like a tease.
Don't expect someone to be OK with sleeping over in your bed without being physically intimate. This kind of mind game is disrespectful on your part. You cannot expect anyone to be OK with you sending mixed messages.
If they push for more intimacy, let them know you don't feel comfortable until you know each other better. You need to respect your body.
10. Let go of the outcome
This is no indication of your worth as a person. So many women are devastated when a first date does not become a relationship. They think it is because they are not pretty enough, smart enough, successful enough, or fun enough. They don't even stop to consider whether or not they even like the other person.
Date like a human being. Show up, have fun and if it works out, great. If not, move on to the next one. Will following these rules help you get married or learn how to find love? Maybe, maybe not. But by following this dating advice, you will quickly be able to weed out people who are not worth your time and energy.
It may seem like adhering to these rules would be "playing games." It isn't a game. It's about showing someone you are worthy of their respect. The bottom line is if you don't respect yourself, no one else will. Just like interviewing for a job, you need to make sure the person is someone you want, not just concern yourself with whether or not they want you.
Michelle Lewis is committed to helping people create meaningful and lasting change to improve their health and wellness. Areas of specialty include barriers to weight loss, food addiction, emotional eating, binge eating, and compulsive overeating, as well as stress management and relationship issues.