5 Tiny Ways To Keep The Sparks Flying In Your Marriage Forever
How to get back to an intimate relationship.
FluxFactory | Getty Images Signature I am working toward a national TV show that teaches people what healthy marriages look like. My goal is to teach or have the show mentor how to build a strong marriage, the sorts of issues that arise, and the healthiest way to resolve conflicts. Current television programs as well as magazine articles, movies, and music don’t represent marriage very well. The area they do the worst job covering is married intimacy.
In many ways, even though most of the single people I know want to get married, the marriage rate has gone down. Couples who believed that cohabitating would keep their love life hot have been disillusioned and disappointed when they found that what keeps it hot is the security and commitment to one another.
Moving in together without a commitment to one another may have made the intimacy better at first, but once the couple began leaning more on one another and having expectations of one another, it dwindled just as it does in a marriage that isn’t working.
Here are five tiny ways to keep the sparks flying in your marriage forever:
1. Remember that your brain is the largest intimate organ
You have to start here to feel good about intimacy. If you are angry or anxious about a partner, you have to deal with the brain first. Anger that is held in does not create good intimacy nor does it help you feel sexy.
2. Keep a positive attitude
Embrace yourself — you don’t need to be a perfect size. If you have curves and hips, embrace them. This is one of the most beautiful aspects of women. Most of us have flaws, cellulite, acne, and wrinkles. These “flaws” will not distract from a beautiful smile or a warm embrace. Take a lesson from your man. Men are much better at embracing and not seeing their flaws than women are.
3. Fantasize
The more you think about intimacy, the more you will want it, so be sure to take time to think about it. Read romance novels, listen to music, and watch movies. I caution couples not to share their fantasies unless they involve one another.
4. Get to really know your body
Touch yourself so you know the sensitive areas of your body. Where does it make you feel good to touch? This knowledge is very important and helpful to the person loving you. Your partner cannot read your mind so let them know what feels good.
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5. Foreplay
The name tells you what it is for. Healthy marriage foreplay starts first thing in the morning and lasts all day. Make sure you stay connected during the day with a quick call or text. Intercourse is only one small part of intimacy. There are so many ways to be intimate in your marriage, why get hung up on only one?
Note to remember: Women have less stress when they are emotionally connected. Guys have decreased stress when they are physically connected. (Guys, talking and listening to your lady decreases her stress. Intimacy happens when women are NOT stressed).
It would be short-sighted for couples to get married and talk about “till death do us part” if they didn’t consider what they were going to do to keep their love life interesting. Yet, that is what happens to most couples who wed. Couples talk about their new place settings, TVs, and bedroom sets, but are naïve about the issues that will have a huge impact on their ability to keep their marriage healthy. Married intimacy has the capacity to be the best intimacy, but only if the couple values its importance. In the end, it’s not the lifestyle of marriage that causes the snore factor. It’s the couple who sets it and snores.
Special note: Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, intimacy whether it is hot or not, is the opinion of the couple. Many couples are intimate once a month in the same position and love it! Others feel unloved if it isn’t every day. It’s not a problem unless one of the partners is complaining. You don’t need to swing from a chandelier to be happy.
Mary Jo Rapini MEd, LPC is a psychotherapist, author, speaker, and intimacy counselor.