5 Silent Mistakes That Almost Always Lead To Divorce
A marriage on the brink of divorce happens slowly.
pixelshot | Canva Having been divorced myself and gone through countless relationships that have not worked, I know what mistakes to avoid to make the relationship work. Below are just some of the mistakes I've made, that my clients have made, and that you should avoid if you want your marriage to be a success and not end in divorce.
Here are the 5 silent mistakes that almost always lead to divorce:
1. You ignore issues as a couple
This is probably the worst thing you can do. Sticking your head in the sand around the issues you may have in your relationship is not the way to go. The unexpressed feelings will slowly but surely start eating away at you, and over some time, what looked like small annoyances will transform into massive resentments. (And then before you know it, you're hating your partner because you cannot put up with anything anymore.)
I know this very well, as I have been there myself. Before my divorce, this was the exact state of denial that led to the demise of our relationship. I did not know how to express my feelings; my ex didn't want to hear it. The problem got bigger and bigger, and before we knew it, we stopped trusting one another and the relationship broke down completely. Instead, deal with the issues as they come up. Just like when you clean your home, if you keep dusting away the cobwebs, you will create a consistently clean environment.
2. You don't work on the relationship
Somehow, we seem to think intimate relationships will run on their fuel without putting much effort into them. This is not true. A relationship needs work — just as a car needs fine-tuning. At the very least, understand how relationships work; and at the very most, work on yourself and what you bring to the relationship. Healthy and fulfilling relationships happen from the inside out. I made this mistake and paid dearly for it. I kept wanting to change my ex-husband, thinking he was the problem, when in fact, it was me all along! Work on you first; learn about how relationships work and the rest will follow.
3. You don't learn how to effectively communicate
As I've already mentioned, good communication is one of the cornerstones of creating a fulfilling relationship. However, there's a right way to fight and a wrong way to fight. Resorting to "blame and shame" tactics will destroy any trust you've built and while it's a normal defense mechanism, all it does is result in the attacked spouse shutting down. In my first marriage, I used this tactic all the time, which only caused heartache and disconnection. Learn to communicate, listen intently, and give yourself the time and space to do so safely. If not, divorce will be imminent.
4. You don't spend enough time together
One of the other cornerstones of any successful relationship is giving yourself the time to connect. If you are not giving yourself the time to do this, then you will feel disconnected and distant. I see so many couples putting everything else as more important so that they can give it to the relationship. The ironic thing is that the one thing that would fuel their relationships is the one thing that is not given — time.
This is also one of the biggest errors I made in my marriage. Before I knew it, my ex-husband and I were completely disconnected and were living parallel lives, which exacerbated our differences as opposed to highlighting our similarities. Go for walks together, put time in the diary for a date together, and go away without mobile phones together. Talk, laugh, and above all, create memories if you want to avoid going down the rocky road of divorce.
5. You don't delegate jobs
Living with another person can drive us insane. Messy people end up marrying neat people and unhealthy people marry healthy people. Whatever the scenario, there are going to be guaranteed differences in how two people live. What ends up happening is one person in a relationship feels resentful over the fact that they had to carry the load in their relationship.
For example, arguments about cleaning used to happen regularly in my household. Now, we just delegate the work to someone who loves doing it! She gets what she wants and we do too. Does it cost money? Sure it does. Does it save us time with our arguments? Yes, and we'll end up saving on divorce bills too. To avoid going down the rocky road of divorce, you will need to confront the brutal facts, learn to communicate properly, work on the relationship, spend time together, and delegate the jobs you don't want to do to someone who does. It may sound like a lot of work, but it beats the heartbreak of signing divorce papers.
Marina Pearson is an effortless living coach, international speaker, blogger, and best-selling author of Goodbye Mr. Ex.