What Guys Find So Hot About Rough, Hard Sex
With so many mixed messages between men and women, what is this really about?
Serg Zastavkin It seems that since "50 Shades of Grey" became popular, rough sex and BDSM (Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/submission, Sadism/Masochism) have hit the mainstream.
But the desire for rough sex is not new.
Rough sex can be biting your lover, holding her down with your body weight, or picking her up and carrying her off to bed like a caveman.
And, of course, rough sex can get more intense, venturing into some BDSM territory, like tying her to the bed and being very rough — pinching her, spanking her, and finally pounding into her.
The trend favoring rougher sex has worried women, men and lots of parents, especially in the form of discussion about the level of abuse present in the relationship at the center of "50 Shades of Grey."
Yet research has firmly shown that people who enjoy BDSM are generally mentally healthy and have experienced about the same level of sexual abuse as the general population.
Here are 5 key reasons men — and women! — get so much pleasure out of rough, hard sex.
1. There's an element of surprise.
One of the reasons men (and women) are turned on by rough sex is the element of surprise that turns on our dopamine receptors, which gives us more sexual pleasure.
Unexpected experiences help keep our relationships exciting and fresh. We are more daring when engaging in rough sex, so will try out different sensations. Biting and nipping, for example, will stimulate dopamine as well.
2. It sends a message of trust.
Scientists suggest that this comes from our animal heritage, where friendly biting and nipping are a part of early play, and often embedded in social rituals.
Some primatologists note that such biting usually happens between trusted family and friends, as if to say without words, "I trust you so much I can put myself in your mouth and you won’t hurt me."
3. Biting can also be used to establish dominance.
Power is exciting, and control is a central theme within sexual interactions. Both gaining and surrendering power can be extremely sexually exciting for many people.
With many women today in powerful positions at work, spending all day making extremely important decisions, giving up control in the bedroom can be an enticing aphrodisiac. Having someone take control over you physically can serve as a soothing relief.
4. Power is intoxicating.
During rough sex, the man is free to feel he can take what he wants from his partner. She, in return, can fully feel how deeply he wants her, which makes her more open to him.
Sexual submission is an act of active receptiveness — not one of passivity. His strength turns her on, and the more turned on she is, the more powerful he feels and the hotter the sex becomes for both.
Dominance and submission, in essence, create a beautiful feedback loop of pleasure and mutual satisfaction.
5. Rough sex provides an acceptable opportunity for the partner being rough to be a bit selfish.
He (or she) can take what he wants. It is his turn to lead the dance and make the decisions about what it will look like. He controls the rhythm and the pattern the dance takes, and he doesn’t have to hold back.
Of course, not all men want to be in control. Some love rough sex most when they are the one who can let go of control and let their partner be dominant.
Many men who wield a lot of power in their careers enjoy the opportunity to let someone else have the power, be in charge. Being receptive becomes the ultimate turn-on.
In relationships that are usually egalitarian, the partner who has the power drives the sexual experience.
Some couples enjoy switching roles so each of them have the opportunity to be the one on top. Others tend to have defined roles when they indulge in rough sex.
Either way, rough sex is an exciting change from their usual type of daily equal exchanges.
Once you clearly know — or are ready to admit — rough sex is a turn-on, how do you start?
Rough sex works best with someone you trust. Talk with your partner about increasing the roughness a bit next time you have sex.
Make sure to get clear consent before getting rougher, especially if you are going to add some elements of BDSM. Once you have done this, go for it!
That freedom is one of the most electrifying experiences that makes rough sex so incredibly delicious.
Dr Lori Beth Bisbey is a sex and intimacy coach, registered psychologist, speaker, educator, and author who works with individuals, couples and polyamorous groups to find and create their ideal intimate relationships. She has a special expertise healing individuals from sexual trauma and is kink-knowledgeable. Listen to her podcasts, The A to Z of Sex and Sex Spoken Here, on iTunes and Stitcher.