How To Know If Your Jealousy Is Justified & 5 Ways To Stop When It's Not
It is far easier to justify your love than to justify your jealousy,
Monkey Business Images, Jacob Lund | Canva Most people experience jealousy at some point during their lives. Jealousy of a sibling or friend. Jealousy in relationships.
There is nothing worse when this feeling takes hold and you begin to question everything your lover does. Is he home 10 minutes late? What was that whispered conversation on his phone during the evening?
These things become signs that he wants someone else, and it can consume you when you don't know how to not be jealous.
Three reasons people get jealous, justifiably or not
1. They feel insecure.
The most common cause of jealousy is insecurity. When you are not sure of your own attractiveness and your own worth, it is easy to become worried your lover will find someone more attractive and may well choose to leave you as a result.
Often, jealousy is a result of a lack of time rather than a lack of affection. You want your lover to spend the day with you but they have to work. You find yourself feeling jealous of her workmates.
What may surprise you is that often the people who are insecure in their romantic relationships are not insecure throughout all areas of their lives. Extremely confident business people can find themselves intensely insecure in their romantic connections.
2. You have issues with trust.
Another reason people feel jealous is they have problems trusting people. If your general outlook on life is that people are not trustworthy, you will be more likely to find yourself jealous — and probably often.
3. You have anxiety.
Another cause of jealousy is an anxious attachment style. People who have this style of attachment fear they will lose the people to whom they become attached. They fear their partners will not love them enough, and do not expect their partners to be able to reliably meet their needs.
Jealousy, as a fleeting emotion, can act as a signal that something in the relationship has gone awry. Frequent jealousy, however, can destroy a relationship. This type of jealousy usually feels obsessive.
It can feel impossible to take your attention off the things you are feeling jealous about. It can increase suspiciousness throughout the relationships. It creates a constant negative atmosphere wherever you go.
If you find yourself feeling jealous regularly, try to figure out if there is any reality to this jealousy. Is your partner really interested in someone else? Do you usually get jealous in relationships?
If so, it is more likely the source of the jealousy is entirely you and this can be highlighting a temporary drop in self-confidence or self-esteem. if jealousy is rare for you, figure out what signs or actions are making you feel jealous this time.
Has your partner’s behavior changed? Has your partner changed how they dress? Are they taking more time with their appearance? Are they suddenly getting calls in the evening and ending them quickly when you come within hearing distance?
If there are signs that your partner is pulling away or being unfaithful, find a way to gain confirmation that this is what is happening. Set up a time to talk with your partner to explore your concerns. In these cases, your jealousy may be justified.
Do not accuse or be confrontational or the outcome is likely to be negative whether your partner is truly pulling away, unfaithful or not. If you find evidence of infidelity, take a breath and then consider talking to a neutral party (like a therapist or coach) alone and then hopefully together to figure out the next steps.
Either way, you need to be rid of your jealousy, and that starts with learning how to not be jealous. If the jealousy stays within you, it can tear you up inside. The sooner you are able to get rid of corrosive jealousy, the better.
Ready to stop feeling jealous?
Five tips for tackling and eliminating the jealousy that is not justified
1. Increase your confidence.
Start with your physical confidence. If you don’t yet love your body, do what you need to in order to love it. Make the changes that will help to increase your positive feelings about yourself.
Next, detail the positive things about you. What do you bring of value to a relationship? What are your most special qualities?
2. Practice positive thinking.
At first, practicing positive thinking can seem really artificial, and this can make it difficult because it does not feel real. Do it anyway and feel your feelings. Change negative thoughts into positive ones. Practice affirmations. Whatever you need to do in order to keep your thinking positive.
3. Practice gratitude.
Start each day focusing on everything you are grateful for. Keep a gratitude book where you write about those things and people that you are grateful for. Say your thanks out loud. Meditate on gratitude and the things and people and situations you are grateful for in your life. Do this in the morning and again in the evening.
Instead of comparing yourself to others negatively, wishing you had something they have, worrying that they are better than you and that your partner will prefer to spend time with them, highlight those things you feel grateful for.
4. Keep some time each day to connect with your partner.
Hold hands at breakfast. Make sure to kiss them when you get up, when you leave in the morning and when you re-connect in the evening. And make sure to engage in at least two big hugs.
Cuddle close while you are in bed at night for a few minutes, or while watching TV or a movie. If you are in a long-distance relationship, make sure to call or Skype or Zoom each day. If you cannot easily coordinate times, leave each other video messages. Just make sure you are doing something so that you are connecting each and every day.
5. Engage in therapy, coaching, and personal development to resolve anything from your past that negatively impacts your self-esteem and the rest of your life.
Continue to engage so that you continue to develop and improve, working to be the best version of you that you can be and reaching for your dreams. Here’s where you can learn to change your attachment style and resolve the attachment issues from your past and learn new skills for the present and future.
Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey is a psychologist and intimacy/sex coach who helps individuals, couples, and polyamorous groups create their ideal relationships.