Am I Just A Booty Call? 10 Signs He's Using You (Sorry!)
How to know for sure what's really going on.
Getty First of all, let me state for the record, I have no issue with the concept of a booty call. If both partners are consenting and know exactly what they’ve signed up for, great. However, it seems as though women can’t see the forest for the trees inside the booty call at times.
The man involved knows exactly what it is. He defines it by his unwillingness to take the relationship further. Her friends even know what it is. But she wants to think there is something more serious going on — or at least hopes there might be someday if she hangs out long enough.
What is a booty call?
For those lucky enough to not know what a booty call is, Merriam-Webster defines it as "a communication (such as a phone call or text message) by which a person arranges a sexual encounter with someone."
The term can also be applied to describe a person who you are emotional unattached to, and who is only for sexual encounters.
A booty call used to be incredibly simple and the rules were straightforward. Now, things aren't quite as easy as they used to be.
Believe it or not, there are several high-bred booty call varieties on the market. The thing that remains the same is this: very frequently, the female partner is in total denial about the status of the relationship.
How do you know if you're just a hookup?
The signs that you're only a hookup may not be obvious at first, especially if the other person is giving mixed signals. But good indicaters include your sexual partner being rude to you, not wanting to reveal personal details about their life, and never talking about substantial matters with you.
They may also be hot and cold with responding to text and calls, or, most likely, only want to chat when they want sex. Another indicator is whether or not they stay the night. Do they cuddle you, or do they grab their pants and run for the door the minute it's over?
Sadly, if this person doesn't have any interest in getting to know you, you're just hookup.
Here are 10 signs you're, sadly, just a booty call.
1. 'Dating' just ends up turning into sex.
How do you know if it's just a booty call? You know you might be a booty call if your “dates” don’t actually involve date-like activities.
You aren’t going to dinner and a movie, or a concert, or a ballgame. He may be doing those things, but you aren’t included. Also, you may be doing those things, but he doesn’t care to tag along.
2. Holidays and special events are off the table.
You know you might be a booty call if you aren’t celebrating holidays and events together.
He might show up for your birthday, at about 11:45 PM, but he didn’t show up for the birthday party your best friend threw for you, and he didn’t bring a gift unless it was lingerie or a sex toy.
3. He's never there for you when you need him.
You know you might be a booty call if he disappears when you need support. He doesn’t make a scene about disappearing, he just doesn’t come around. He’s busy.
Like when your grandmother passes and all you hear from him is maybe a text or two for a couple of weeks.
4. Texting is the only way you can get ahold of him.
Speaking of texting, you know you might be a booty call if your primary form of communication outside of the bedroom is texting or some other form of electronic communication.
You don't have each other as friends on social media, and forget trying to contact his friends to find out where he is.
5. You've never met his family.
You know you might be a booty call if you haven’t met a single member of his family, his closest friend, or his best friend’s wife or significant other. Unless his family lives across the country, you should cross paths with one of them at least occasionally if you’re in a real relationship.
Very complex booty calls might have random contact with a friend. However, you won’t likely be included in group activities.
6. Everything turns back to sex.
You know you might be a booty call if he never sends flowers, gives presents, or sends emails that don’t involve a discussion about the next time you might hook up. Perhaps even the most nonchalant discussions of your favorite foods always come back to the topic of sex.
7. He leaves right after sex.
You know you might be a booty call if he never, ever stays the night and you rarely see him before 9:30 PM. If on the rare occasion he does sleep over, he leaves at the crack of dawn, and usually without saying a word to you.
8. He's seeing other people.
You know you might be a booty call if he frequently references other women in conversation. He may not say he’s dating them, but he definitely lets you know you aren’t the only woman in his life or the only thing he’s looking at.
9. He doesn't make it official.
You know you might be a booty call if he hasn’t changed his Facebook status or removed his dating profile.
Now, it might be customary in some circles not to do that in the beginning stages of a relationship. However, the beginning stages of a relationship do not last weeks and weeks or months and months.
10. He's only looking for sex.
You know you might be a booty call if he more or less tells you so. He really enjoys having sex with you, but he flat out says he isn’t ready to be exclusive and you know he’s still on the market.
When he tells you he's not interested in a relationship, take him at his word. The thing to understand is this: much like being the other woman rarely results in getting the man, being the booty call also rarely results in getting the man.
If you might be the booty call and what you’ve got right now is just fine with you, then you’re in luck because he’s likely to stay in it just the way it is. That is, until one of you finds someone else.
However, if you’ve got that heart pull that says you really dig this guy and you want more than a roll in the sheets a few times a week, you need to get honest with yourself and cut the cord.
How do you tell someone you don't want to be a booty call?
1. Express your wants and needs.
How do you tell a guy you're not just a booty call? Well, the first thing you should do is to use clear language stating what it is you want.
If you don't want to be a booty call, tell them. Say what you want to get out of the relationship, if you even want a relationship.
Make sure the other person hears you and understands that you may want more than just sex. For example, it could be asking them to stay the entire night, asking them to hang out without having sex, or telling them when you are hurt by their actions.
2. Set boundaries.
If a relationship doesn't come out of your talk, set boundaries for what you are and are not comfortable doing with that person. Tell the, what behavior is not acceptable and stick with it.
If you can't hang out with them past 10 PM without fear you may make a mistake, don't hang out with them that late. Tell them you can only see them a certain amount of times per week, in the daylight.
If you get late-night text messages hoping for sex, reply with something like this: "Hey, please don't text me this late. If you want to hang out, we can go out on a date at an earlier time."
3. Make sure you're on the same page.
Make sure you both want the same thing. If one of you doesn't want anything serious but the other person wants a relationship, that can easily ruin your arrangement.
Ask something like this: "We've been seeing each other quite a bit lately, so I thought I'd go ahead and ask. What are you looking for out of a relationship?"
It can be stressful to ask these kinds of questions, since they may not be looking for the same thing. But you don't want to waste your time on someone who's not on your wavelength.
Lisa Hayes, The Love Whisperer, is a relationship coach and trainer. She's the author of "Score Your Soulmate," "How to Escape from Relationship Hell," and "The Passion Plan." Visit her website or follow her on Twitter.