When Is It Time For The Commitment Talk?
There is a weird soft spot in the beginning of many relationships that very often sets the tone for how the relationship grows or doesn’t grow. It’s that awkward place after you’ve been on more then a few dates, before “the” talk has happened when the woman tries very hard not to push and seem needy - while at the same time seething with angst and uncertainty about the status of this newly formed thing. Do we call it a relationship? Are we “dating”? Is he seeing other people? Should I be? Has he changed his Facebook status yet? Why hasn’t he taken down his Match profile???
It really can be a challenging place to be. My advice is two fold and although these two notions might seem contradictory, they are not. First, of all, it’s not good enough not to “seem” needy, or “act” needy. Pretending not to be holding your breath for his next call, when you really are sitting at home blue in the face isn’t good enough. The Universe isn’t fooled - chances are he isn’t either. If you are slipping off your foundation a few weeks into the relationship, you will be completely off in the ditch a few months from now, lost, a shadow of your former fabulous self.
Secondly, and equally important, if you are pretending the casual nature of your newly blossoming romance is OK with you, when it’s not, when you are wanting more certainty or definition, that is not only unfair to the guy, but it is fundamentally dishonest. You are teaching this guy to treat you in casual way all the while feeling frustrated and getting angry he isn’t moving towards a commitment of some sort. If you think he doesn’t pick up on that on some level, think again. He probably picks up on the anger, doesn’t get what it’s about. If you think he should “get it”, think again. Guys don’t “get” those things. They don’t read minds. Most don’t try, they aren’t programmed that way. So, if you are wondering if it’s time to have “the talk”, it probably is. That talk doesn’t have to be an ultimatum. It doesn’t have to be heavy. It can be as simple as, “I am wondering where we are at. I don’t want to push things here. I just want to be clear so that I don’t disrespect what we have going on by possibly seeing other people.”
Starting off a relationship honestly involves some risk and requires some vulnerability. Intimacy always involves vulnerability. If you want intimacy you have to be willing to stomach the risk. The guy who is going to balk at the thought of an honest talk about your status is just as likely to balk if you wait another six months, wondering and fretting. You have to be willing to hear the truth, but the truth is always easier to manage then anything your imagination can dish out for you.