Why Dating Is Still Dangerous For Women & It's OK To Be Cautious (Even If It Makes Men Mad)
Why do so many men think they deserve trust automatically?
getty As a dating and relationship coach, I hear many stories.
Meeting new guys is risky for women — and not just emotionally. Women can be in physical danger meeting someone new, particularly someone they met on a dating app or out in a bar or club.
One particularly important issue that's rarely discussed among dating and relationship coaches is the concept of safe dating — and the ways in which some men react negatively to women's natural caution when meettng someone new.
Here's an example of a real incident:
Two people met online and set up their first date. The man arrived early, and as the woman was approaching him, she quickly called her friend and gave her his license plate number.
The guy was so offended that he ended the date. He later posted on social media that if a woman can’t trust him more than that, she doesn’t need to be going out with him.
Why do women prioritize dating safety while out on dates?
Most men, in their minds, believe that they're good men so their dates should blindly trust them automatically.
But, this world is also stocked with men who seem kind and look safe, but later turn into complete monsters.
Violent men do not "look violent" — they are more apt to look very admirable and safe, and very trustworthy.
Cosmopolitan magazine has great examples of what women have done to make sure that they stay safe when online dating.
One woman says that she always meets her dates in a public place. She shares her location with a friend and never accepts a ride from someone new — she either drives herself or takes an Uber.
"Sometimes my date and I will decide to go somewhere after the initial meeting spot, and my backup must know where I’m at. I always share the date’s credentials. Everything I know about them. First name, last name, occupation, place of employment, location of residence. Picture if possible."
Another woman says that she tells her mother where her date works and lives.
"On the date, it’s always in a busy place, and if he drives I’ll on the sly get the reg number and send it to my mum. I also will excuse myself to go to the bathroom, and let my mum know he isn’t a weirdo and I’m still alive (we are blunt)."
And, another woman shares her location in addition to telling another person where she is, meeting in public places, and ensuring her own ride.
"I go one step further and have a safety code system in place if I need to get out of there (both for if I’m uncomfortable, in danger, basically anything that might warrant needing to leave.) I’ll text a friend a code word, and they’ll call me with an ‘emergency’ and rescue me."
In a woman’s mind, they trust the men enough to go out with them, even though they don’t know them — that's huge!
Women want to feel safe knowing that, if something were to happen, their family and friends would have the information required to intervene if they had to.
I’ve done the same thing by texting information to a family member. Dating safety is self-love. It's taking care of yourself as a woman. It’s not a jab in the gut to a man, unless he chooses to be offended by it.
There is a popular myth in the dating world: "Trust is given until proven otherwise."
This belief sets you up to trust before you really do so, but it doesn't give you time to allow for the other person’s true colors to show up and for organic trust to form.
Women are in danger during dating, that's a fact.
Women who try hard to stay safe are not a reflection on a man. It’s a reflection on society. Sadly, the wicked men ruin it for the rest.
Men don’t understand that women trust men enough to go out with them in the first place, which is a very vulnerable place to be.
Crimes against women are still very prevalent in society. Date rape and sexual assault are still very real things that happen. It’s not a laughing matter.
Women know this even if they don't consciously think about it. It’s in the subconscious mind. We just know!
We're aware of it as we walk alone at night. We're aware of it in a crowded bar. We're aware of it in a car alone with a date. We're aware of it when we're alone at a man’s house.
When a woman meets a man and gets in a car with him, she's at risk. Men would benefit more from dating if they respected that, acknowledged it, and saw it as a positive. It’s not a red flag.
Women need men who understand what they need to feel safe during their dates.
Getting offended because she should trust him more is not a healthy look. It’s not realistic and it’s not tuned into the reality that women face every day. It’s also immature. And a red flag.
Turning her down or showing anger or frustration towards her for taking care of herself is trying to force immediate trust on a woman, which is controlling behavior.
This is covert manipulation. She trusts her dates as much as she can and that trust will grow with time if their actions match their words.
It's very unrealistic to think a woman should trust someone at all at a first meeting or before the first few dates. Instead, he should do the work it takes to earn her trust.
Allow trust — real trust — to develop and watch how amazing it feels when she does.
In the end, if blind trust is what men want, then there are plenty of women out there that don’t have the self-worth to be proactive with their safety.
You can find them. Decide what you want in a relationship and change your point of view.
If a secure woman with boundaries is what someone ultimately wants in a dating partner, then they need to do the work to get that. See it as a positive for both people involved in the relationship. Because it's truly the way to developing real trust over time.
Lisa Hawkins is a certified life coach, certified cognitive-behavioral therapy coach, and a dating and relationship coach. For more information, visit her website.