7 Tiny Problems Most Couples Ignore That Are Actually Huge Red Flags
These problems are worth breaking up over.
shisuka | Canva All relationships go through highs and lows. In the beginning, you just can’t get enough of one another. But, after a while, things can grow stale. This doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship will end. But, it does mean that you will need to work much harder at it. The thought of ending your marriage is very scary. It can be overwhelming. You might try to not think about it, but that doesn’t work. Eventually, your problems in the relationship catch up. If that’s the case, then you must do something about them now.
Here are 7 tiny problems most couples ignore that are huge red flags:
1. You are living as roommates, rather than a couple
This is an easy one to happen. You are busy with work, the kids, and the house. Life just begins to take over. Sure, there is food in the fridge, but when was the last time you spent quality time together as a couple? This is when you need to schedule time together. Spending quality time together as a couple is one of the best things you can do for your marriage.
2. You aren’t having fun together anymore
Fun is the glue in a relationship. This is what helps keep you together during the tough times. When was the last time you and your spouse just laughed together? Think back to the beginning, when fun was simple. You couldn’t wait to see your spouse at the end of the day.
3. You just can’t let go of the negative perspective you have about the relationship
This is when the negative overrides the positive. Even when your spouse is genuinely doing something positive, you don’t notice or interpret it as negative. This is also known as a chip on the shoulder. If this is the case, then you need couples counseling. This will help you understand where the chip came from, and how to let go and move forward.
4. You have nothing to fight about
Rarely, if ever, do you see a relationship where there are no disagreements. Fighting is a form of communication. When you stop caring about your spouse, you stop fighting. When you have a disagreement and you can resolve it, you learn a lot about your partner. It can help create safety in the relationship when done, respectfully.
5. You don’t trust your spouse anymore
Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship. This doesn’t necessarily mean your spouse is having an affair. An interesting finding with the research of The Gottman Method for Couples is that couples are always making bids of affection towards one another. A bid can be a smile, a nod, asking about your spouse's day, or asking your spouse out on a date. There is a range of bids and they are always happening. You can either turn towards the bid or away from the bid. What’s important is that the bid is done out of love and that your partner gets the bid. It’s also important that you turn towards your partner. The more the better. If you turn away, this can destroy the trust over time. It can also lead to your partner misinterpreting you.
6. You talk to your friends more than you talk to your spouse.
Your spouse should be your confidant and best friend. You should be able to talk to your spouse about anything. You shouldn’t fear that you will be judged, ignored, or made fun of. If you are turning more to your friends than your spouse, then the question is: why?
7. You just aren’t that fond of your spouse anymore.
This means you don’t feel your spouse understands or gets you. This makes you question if your partner has your back or not. This is what you need more than anything else in a relationship. If you said "yes" to any of these, then your relationship is in trouble. The good news is that there is help for you. But, you will have to work at it. There is no magic wand for your relationship. Couples that work hard for their marriage, stay together and enjoy the benefits of a long-lasting and healthy relationship.
Lianne Avila is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a practice in San Mateo, CA. Her work has been featured in Psych Central, BRIDES, and Prevention.