Why Natural Remedies Won't Help Your Libido — And What Will
You've lost your sex drive somewhere amongst the sofa cushions.
getty When your sex drive is low and driving a wedge between you and your partner, there are ways to increase your libido and the answer is not always a natural remedy.
Low libido is common — and worrying. You worry there’s something wrong with you, you worry about what it means, and you worry about what you’ll have to do to get your mojo back.
Naturally, you go on Google and type "how to increase sex drive" or "how to have better sex". It’s far less embarrassing than talking to your doctor about it or confiding in a loved-up friend.
Google delivers and you come across pages upon pages of natural remedies, boasting all sorts of amazing results for how to increase sex drive and regain libido so you can bring back the passion, fall back in love with your spouse, and have amazing sex again.
It feels like such a relief.
The only problem is...natural remedies don’t usually work.
Sex drive isn’t just hormone levels or some sort of imbalance in the body, it’s so much more — which is a good thing! This means you can increase libido, of your own accord!
Libido also consists of and is impacted by psychological factors, relational factors, and cultural factors. Sounds complicated? Let me explain.
The common psychological factors that affect our libido negatively, are things like:
- Stress
- Disliking how we look
- Previous negative sexual experiences
- Anxiety and depression
Common relational factors are things like:
- Conflicts in our romantic relationship
- Loss of attraction
- Reduced physical and/or emotional intimacy
Common cultural factors are the beliefs and societal norms that we've been lead to believe about gender and sexuality like:
- The belief that “real men” are always up for it,
- That females who want sex more than males are somehow tainted or abnormal,
- That a long-lasting erection is the most important factor for women's sexual satisfaction
Growing up in an environment saturated with these beliefs can have a really negative effect, even if we’re unaware of them at the time.
So, in a world where we have 75 things on our to-do list and a sex drive that seems to be so sensitive and complex, how does anyone ever feel like getting it on?
The trick isn’t trying 4 new sex positions, taking libido boosters and vitamins each morning, or slapping on some chocolate flavored lube.
If you've had low libido for a while now, the trick is understanding what the causes of your low libido are and working on them, specifically.
For example, if your libido is low because of daily stressors like arguments with your spouse, shame about what turns you on, or feeling "unmanly", no amount of vitamins and minerals in the world can fix that.
So, if you don’t know why your libido is low, you risk trying all kinds of crazy natural remedies, leaving you with zero results and even more shame and anxiety.
After having seen countless clients in my private practice, I’ve heard first-hand how detrimental all these seemingly easy solutions, can be.
Sexuality researcher Lori Brotto writes in her book for women, Better Sex Through Mindfulness, that psychological and cultural factors have a far bigger impact on our libido than biological factors alone.
Even if this, to my knowledge, hasn’t yet been proven for men or people of other gender identities, my clinical experience tells me that it’s likely quite similar for all of us, regardless of gender.
What this all means is that there are plenty of ways for you to increase your appetite for sex and the most successful ways probably won’t be popping a pill or two.
This can feel frustrating at first, but it really, truly, is possible to increase your libido, to regain that sense of passion for your partner, and to feel like having sex is enjoyable and stress-free.
And you can achieve all of this by focusing on the factors that are possibly affecting your libido the most.
It might be a bit of work, but I promise, it's worth it in the end.
Leigh Norén is a sex and relationship therapist specializing in low libido, who offers sex therapy, online courses and free resource materials. Her work has been featured in Glamour, Babe, the Tab, and more. If you’d like help understanding what the causes of your low libido are, and how to increase your sex drive, you can download The Free Desire Test, delivered straight to your inbox. For more information and free downloads, visit her website.
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