Be Honest: Are You In Love With A Douchebag?

Today's douchebag is a blend of yesterday's toolbag and yesteryear's loser. Douchebaggery can be hard to define, but we're all familiar with that unmistakable feeling you get when that certain guy opens his mouth and the hairs on your arm stand up — douche chills. Miraculously, these guys still get dates, and maybe you're one of the women who have fallen prey. As a matchmaker, my douchebag radar is fairly honed. So here are 6 signs you're dating a douchebag:

1. Your friends give him a thumbs down. The only people who like douchebags are their mothers and other douchebags. Your friends don't like him because he's obnoxious and has nothing interesting to say. Likewise, he doesn't like your friends because he thinks they're stuffy. But they're not — they just have social grace, which he doesn't understand.
2. His ego is bigger than his heart. In other words, he's arrogant. His coworkers, your mother, police officers — they all think he's an arrogant punk. He believes he's entitled to much more in life, but he hasn't earned any of it. He's the guy who halfheartedly does his job, but is convinced he's better than and smarter than everyone else around him. He brags about the adversity in his life, but has no empathy toward other peoples' lifestyles.
3. It's all about the Benjamins. Money is a huge part of his daily conversation, more often than not because he doesn't have any. He's past the age of 28, has been out of school for years, and yet he can't afford to buy you a nice dinner. Of course many people have fallen on hard times, especially in recent years, but the douchebag is one whose ceiling is set low because of his own entitled attitude. Likewise, wealth can also result in douchebaggery—his bragging about a recent private helicopter ride to San Tropez can also send you into a douche coma.
4. He thinks he's a cast member on Jersey Shore. He can't control his drinking, he checks out other women, and he still gets in bar fights. While it's fun to watch on tv, in real life it's nauseating. The bravado and machismo are so transparent: his barbaric effort to cover up his lack of wit. He can't hold a respectful and intelligent conversation with your friends about politics or religion, but he can bully other men who cross over into his territory.
5. He operates on DST: Douche Standard Time. He does things when he wants and makes no consideration for your schedule. You made plans long ago to hang on Friday, but he's tired, so he bails. His gym time and nights out with his boys take priority over your time together. You worry about inconveniencing his schedule, but he doesn't worry about yours. Douchebaggery takes commitment, so he's using all his time perfecting that. Naturally, you'll be ignored.
6. He's still vying for Prom King...but he's 35. He used play high school football or was president of his fraternity in college. Or, he was a nerd who was rejected by all the beautiful girls growing up. Whichever it is, he's trying to re-live those days by getting his glory days back or by getting a second shot. These are issues that require sorting out before he can be today's Prince Charming.

If you're finding yourself nodding your head, realizing that your man has some of these qualities, then I'm probably not telling you anything your friends haven't said before. You may be justifying the relationship in your head, recalling all the tiny moments of romance or tenderness from your douchebag. But remember, even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while. Your douchebag may have a heart, but he's just not mature enough to be a good partner for you. So break free of the douchebaggery and move on to someone who gives you the chills—the happy kind this time!