4 Battle-Tested Tips You Need For Dealing With Loneliness After Divorce
Repeat after me, "I’m worthy of being loved and adored for all I have to offer."
weheartit Feeling unwanted and lonely during divorce cuts to the core of who we are. I recall feeling as if I was disposable and used simply as a means of acquiring children; easy to be rid of after their arrival.
The feelings of being unnecessary had me question my self-worth and those emotions became this veil I wore for quite some time.
I want you to take back your power and your self-worth! This is yours to manage and to own, not someone else’s. However, without a few new tools, it’s easier said or realized than done.
Coping with and overcoming loneliness after a divorce requires embodying a new perspective — that’s personal work and only you can do the work to overcome these debilitating feelings.
Here are 4 tips on how to deal with loneliness after divorce:
1. Feel your feelings.
Being lonely is a feeling and feelings won’t kill you. They may make you cry or want to withdraw from others, but you won’t die because of a few tears. So set some time aside (I recommend 10 minutes) and allow yourself a good cry. Then wash your face and focus on the present moment. You've got a life to create.
Repeat after me: "I’m worthy of being loved and adored for all I have to offer."
This is really important. All too often you’ve been taught that tears make you weak, an un-masculine man or an out-of-control woman. You’ve probably been accused of using tears to keep people from leaving you. The tears of loneliness can be seen as cleansing and necessary.
My guess: you’re not just crying out of feeling lonely. You’ve made the divorce a statement about your self-worth, your place in the world. You may even be crying for all the years you felt alone during your marriage.
This meaning is going to haunt you until you choose to make the meaning of your separation bigger than the story you’re telling yourself. Shift the context — there’s a very good reason why your marriage ended. So, create an empowering story for yourself and your self-worth.
2. Admit that you might have messed up.
Sometimes, I’ll have a client who feels they’re not worthy of love, success or happiness because they’re the one who imploded the marriage by having an affair. The fact of the matter may be that you were betrayed via adultery or that you were the one who had sex with someone other than your monogamous spouse.
But neither of these actions, in my opinion, warrant a life sentence of loneliness.
I consider affairs a big, ol' wake-up call whether or not the marriage survives it.
Punishing yourself by staying aloof and sad, feeling rather sorry for yourself and what you may or may not have done or could have prevented, doesn't serve anyone. It keeps you depressed, lost, a victim of your own life.
It may be time to rewrite the story of adultery and acknowledge that some marriages no longer serve both partners. Inevitably, as a Coach, I learn that both partners were remiss in maintaining the affection and love we have come to expect and want from monogamous relationships.
Sometimes, the most loving thing one can do is to end a union. Usually, it’s liberating. An act that’s often ungracious, mean, and self-serving but which can ultimately, lead to enormous growth for both people if looked at in a certain way.
3. What others think of you is none of your business.
In feeling sorry for ourselves, we make others’ opinions of us mean so much more than we should. It really doesn't matter what other people think. It’s up to you to define your life and to create meanings that empower your circumstances.
In other words, you’re the one who has to get up each day, head to work or manage a home, and you’re the one who has to take care of yourself, your loved ones, and your community. You. Not them. The more power we give to others, the more we let them define how we feel, and the more we give our self-awareness and self-worth away.
I hear you-you care what other people have to say. (So do I.) But, not at the expense of my self — worth, peace of mind, and emotional state. I
know there are days you feel awful — that’s clear! But how about taking a good look in the mirror and see how you’ve got way more control over yourself and your circumstances than you give yourself credit?
I suspect you’re capable of creating a great future… one step at a time. And frankly, it’s no one else’s business what you do (as long as the ‘hurting others’ part doesn’t happen).
4. Remember that there are no losers in personal growth.
You’ve gotten this far and now you’re stuck with vulnerability feeling like a wet noodle with snot running down your face, a beer in hand, a cigarette, some porn, and the fear of a future by yourself staring you in the face. Ugh! With that scenario, it’s a wonder you’ve gotten out of bed today.
But there comes a time when we must choose to grow and that’s right about the time, you’re feeling sad, scared, lonely and alone. It’s called being vulnerable, not invincible. Sorry, but you’re not invincible on the other side of divorce. It’s not something we often talk about but must be seriously addressed.
Being divorced is not a death sentence. You get to decide to heal, to re-rack for a bit and to focus on yourself and mending your broken parts before trying to find someone else to fill that void. If you don’t, if you rush into a new relationship, chances are, it’ll be messy and you’ll end up right back here in sadness.
So do yourself a favor and find a mentor. It doesn’t have to be me! But know that without a structure, a community, a system for healing, it’s tough to know how to cope with depression or loneliness due to divorce. You’re worth taking a stand for well-being and happiness!
Laura Bonarrigo is a Divorce Recovery and Life Coach. If you’re having trouble figuring out this dating thing post-divorce, reach out: laura@laurabonarrigo.com. And please visit doingDivorce School and see if it’s a community you’d like to get to know.