Should You Get Married If You've Only Been Dating Long Distance?
If you want your marriage to survive, there are many things you must know first.
getty The answer to the question of getting married to someone you’ve only been dating in a long-distance relationship is an easy one.
It’s the same answer to whether you should marry a person who against your will, just blindfolded you, kidnapped you, took you to a deserted Island, and locked you in a dark room without food.
No way!
I know, that’s a strong statement. But there are consistent differences between those who jump in and those who explore deeper before tying the knot.
Questioning if you should get married in a long-distance relationship can be difficult to answer.
Other than arranged marriages, I haven't seen a single betrothal survive that jumped in prematurely. Taking the time to really get to know each other in person is key to having an engagement turn into a successful marriage.
You simply don’t know nearly enough about a person to decide to marry them if you’ve only been dating long distance.
Plus, many couples are propelled by overwhelming emotions and attachments (better known as chemistry), which drive them to make a decision that could easily become a train wreck.
This doesn’t mean ditch your long-distance beau.
This article is for people that want a loving, conscious, evolutionary, and long-lasting marriage. It’s for people that are willing to take calculated risks, but only where there is a reasonably high likelihood of success.
There are many different forms of marriage: Marriages of convenience, arranged marriages, shotgun weddings, marriages to support an unintentional child, Las Vegas drug-induced weddings, and so on. This article is not about that type of union.
But if you love someone and can only think about how life together should be your next step, even though you have only been dating long distance, please slow down, step back, and gather up your senses.
Then proceed with discernment and a huge helping of curiosity to determine if your long-distance relationship can become a lasting one.
You need to get to know each other on a deeper level.
You may have indeed found your life-partner. That said, life together will be that much better when you’ve revealed whether the key ingredients for a long-lasting, healthy relationship truly exist.
Conversely, life will certainly be a lot better if you discover early on that those ingredients are not there, and make a courageous decision to be grateful for whatever love you feel while also passing on a marriage union.
What are the key ingredients for marriage and how do you discover them without clouding your judgment?
1. Physical attributes you’re attracted to.
2. Who you are, emotionally and spiritually.
There's a ton to discover here, because this takes into account our upbringing, conditioning, traumas, personal and family history, education, finances, beliefs, passions, desires, values, goals, and more. It also includes our sexual preferences and experiences.
3. What you are; a blueprint of what you're born with and what stays with you through life.
Genetic Energetics defines the frequencies you vibrate at and how these indicate your natural ways of communicating, processing information, dealing with money, and how you sexually engage. It also defines accurately when there will be chemistry, and with whom.
These are the foundations. If you've been dating long-distance and not inquired deeply into all three sections, you would have to be one lucky couple to survive over time.
Think of this as a discovery process.
For most, the thought of identifying the elements of all three seems like a daunting and impossible task to accomplish before making a commitment to marry.
It can be, and this is where you have two choices: Throw caution to the wind, take an enormous risk, and blindly jump in. Or think of this discovery process as the most important, eye-opening, and fun thing you could possibly do with your partner.
If you are dating long-distance and have yet to meet in person, please invest in discovering as much as possible about your potential life-mate.
If you've found someone that you feel has that much potential that you're considering marriage, then you owe it to both of you to dive into the most important and exciting inquiry ride of your life.
Not doing this can be thought of as flat-out irresponsible, and the least honoring thing you can do for yourself and your partner. Yet, doing the work is one of the greatest gifts you can both give and receive.
It’s an absolute truth that you’re in each other’s life for a reason. That reason hopefully will become a lifetime of amazing discovery, co-creation, inspiration, and joy.
Wouldn’t it make sense to get off on the right foot with a commitment to learning as much as you can before you marry?
The list of things to discover about your partner can be a very long one.
It's essential to do as much of this in person as possible. Absolutely do not do this by text.
If you have to do some of this process apart from each other, use FaceTime, Zoom, or Skype to communicate. You both need to physically see and hear each other. Words are not enough to truly get to know someone.
Do not project behaviors or outcomes.
The most important piece of advice is that none of this discovery process should be intended to project behaviors or outcomes. In fact, this is the last thing you ever want to do!
For example, if you read that a Gemini and an Aries can be a troublesome match, the one thing you should never do is project that you will have a life of challenges. If your Enneagram numbers indicate you’re two very different beings, don’t use this information to cut the cord.
No matter what information you discover, projecting a behavior is perhaps the cruelest thing you can do to yourself and your beloved.
Use your new knowledge and awareness to honor and appreciate your similarities and differences. This information is your greatest asset as you experience how you interact with each other.
Make sure that your vision is not distorted by chemistry or confirmation bias.
Chemistry is awesome, but it's also a deceptive chemically induced persuader. If the chemistry is super high, create some physical distance to discover your own rational thoughts.
If you're giddy, massively elated, and infatuated with your potential partner, that’s chemistry, and your brain is technically on drugs.
Be careful of confirmation bias, meaning you look for things to confirm what you desire and when you put on blinders to those things that indicate something different than what you want, expect, or are attached to.
Some call this tunnel vision or stubbornness. Either way, you’re pretty much assured of undesired results.
When you do this pre-marital discovery process well, you may discover the differences are too great. That’s awesome. Stay in a loving place, and wish each other the best. Remain close friends, but don’t get married.
You may also discover that the fit is amazing; your commitment to each other is amplified. You can fully imagine a lifelong journey of continuous growth, expansion, and expression of love. This is beyond awesome.
Having a long-distance relationship is fine. Getting married before you really know and have experienced who they are is not.
Getting married when you know who and what they are and can commit with enthusiastic confidence is truly divine.
Larry Michel is the founder of Genetic Energetics, a typology to help us love more fully and connect more deeply, and a world-renowned relationship coach. He works with single women, men, couples, families, and companies across the globe to find the greatest joy, inspiration, growth, abundance, and excitement in their relationships. Larry can be reached at larrym@thefouranswers.com and their globally celebrated Personal Energetic Profiles are complimentary at The Four Answers.