5 Lessons For Women 50 Shades Of Grey Didn’t Teach You

Two weeks ago, I wrote an article entitled, 5 Love Lessons Men Can Learn From Christian Grey. It received many comments, mainly from men angry I didn’t address what women can do to improve relationships. I had always intended to write an article for women and here it is.

I made a case for what women loved about Christian Grey in 50 Shades of Grey and what men could learn, if they were so inclined, about how to please a woman from characteristics Mr. Grey exhibited. However, there are just as many lessons for women that the books don’t teach.

1. No man will ever measure up to a fictitious character in a book. While reading romance novels and watching romantic comedies can provide great entertainment and a temporary escape from daily life, don't make the mistake that the characters in these works of fiction are real. You will not find Christian Grey in the real world. When we begin to believe in the existence of these fictional characters, we do a disservice to the real men in our lives. We expect them to measure up to a writer’s imagination of a man who is completely made up! Yes, you can find men who have some of the qualities and characteristics of your favorite male character, know that it is impossible to find a perfect match over the long haul. Adjust your expectations to be realistic. Stop looking for the “perfect” man and perhaps you’ll find the “perfect” man for you, imperfections and all. 

2. The love of a good woman does not turn the “bad” boy into a prince. This fantasy begins early in life with many Walt Disney movies and continues through soap operas, Harlequin romance novels and romantic comedies. In the real world, a “bad” boy typically remains a “bad” boy until he decides he wants to change and many never do. Your love will not heal or otherwise transform a man from bad to good. And if your man does try to change for you, it will likely not last because the change is not self-motivated.

People choose the behaviors that generally work for them. You will not get them to change simply because you love them enough. They must decide what they are doing no longer works and there is something better to try with a greater likelihood of success.

The best gift you can give your man is a genuine acceptance of who he is. If you are unable to accept him, then you are better off ending the relationship than continuously trying to mold him into your idea of the man you really want. 

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3. Do not wait for your man to teach you about your own body. In 50 Shades of Grey, Christian had to teach Anastasia about her own body since she was a virgin. As a woman, bring a sexual understanding of what you like and don’t like into a relationship. Know your own body and teach your man how to please you in a sexy way. Do not order him around like a drill sergeant--“Do this. Do that. Don’t do this,” etc. Guide him gently. Tell him you like something he does, when you do. Every woman is different in her sexual responses. Don’t make your man guess. Know what you like and show him how to please you.

4. Don’t expect him to always read between your lines. Women tend to be rather indirect, and somewhat coy, in their communications with men. We “hint” at what we want and become frustrated or angry when our man doesn’t read between the lines to get at what we really mean. We say OK, when we really would rather not. We won’t tell him what we want to do on a date, expecting him to just know what would make us happy. We tell him not to get us anything for our birthday and are hurt when he doesn't.

We also tend to do the reverse also. When a man tells us directly what he wants, we try to read between his lines but he doesn’t have lines. Men are direct communicators. They typically say exactly what they mean. You don’t have to interpret their meaning. If women would be become more direct in their communication, then there would be far less hurt feelings on her part and less confusion on his. 

5. Know yourself and be honest. Stop trying to be the person you think your man wants you to be. Because women are so relationship oriented, we are often guilty of anticipating the type of woman our man wants and then trying to become that person. If our guy is into sports, we might enthusiastically go to a ball game, when in reality we are bored to death. This can be very effective at “getting” the guy in the short term but the problem with this tactic is that we cannot maintain this manufactured persona over the long haul. We can’t help but revert back to the person we naturally are and our man wonders what happened to the fun girl he dated.

When you are between relationships is a good time to take inventory of who you really are—your likes and your dislikes. Once you know, be willing to communicate that consistently to the man in your life. He shouldn’t be surprised to find you were pretending to be someone else. This doesn’t mean you won’t try new things to see if you like them but be honest about who you are. This way you will naturally attract the men who will appreciate you and you can be yourself. 

One of the biggest problems between men and women in relationships is we don’t understand the motives behind our behaviors and when our feelings get hurt, we often assign negative motives to each other when that is not what was intended. If we can come to each other with curiosity about why we do the things we do instead of with critical judgments, then we will be able to deepen and strengthen our relationships rather than tearing them apart.

If you'd like to hear more from Kim Olver, please visite her at The Relationship Center and sign up for her newsletter.