How Married Women Can Recover Sexual Confidence

Let's talk about sex and marriage—they do go together, don't they? Not if you ask many of my clients. In fact, it seems like the number of marriages with little or no sex is increasing.

Sexless marriage is not a new phenomenon. In a 2005 Family Circle national survey, 21 percent of married women said their sex lives were boring and routine, 21 percent reported having no sex life at all, and almost 50 percent said they had no desire to have sex with their partner.

Where are all of the sexually confident women, and why have they disappeared? Many of my female clients considered themselves sexual goddesses in their single lives. What makes a woman go from a spirited, sexual single woman to a bored, frustrated married one? The Truth About Sexless Marriage

Here's the answer: These former sexual goddesses are sleeping next to the same partner night after night, wondering where their desire has gone and if it will ever return. Their partners are no longer pursuing them like they did when they were dating, and they feel ugly from childbirth and aging. After a while they decide that their unsatisfying sex life is normal, and is the price you pay for a stable relationship and strong family. Little by little their sexual lives become as dry and tasteless as an old piece of toast. Where's the butter?

There are many reasons married women lose their sexual confidence. Let's explore two of the main issues: the body and the mind.

First, your body. It's hard to feel beautiful with a postpartum body, complete with stretch marks, flabby tummies and a chest that has gone south. Add to that the fact that many women use food to medicate emotional pain while comparing themselves to air-brushed models, and it's no wonder that married women feel inadequate.

Let me tell you something I've learned from working with hundreds of couples, and from hearing husbands talk frankly about their wives: Men do not care about your postpartum body. They DO care about your sexual expression.

Men are attracted to a woman who is sexually confident—they're not obsessing about your tummy pooch; they love your breasts no matter what shape they're in; and they barely notice your imperfect skin. Really. But I understand that you can't shrug off years of insecurity just like that, so turn off the lights, light a candle and know that your husband wants to be there with YOU, not the air-brushed model.

Up next: your mind. Women who have families, work and maybe even go to school are simply exhausted at the end of the day. If your idea of a blissful evening is Chinese takeout on paper plates, an hour of TV and bed by 8 pm, you are not alone. But by succumbing to this kind of inertia you're robbing yourself of time you could be spending regaining your sexual confidence. You can either let your mind go on auto-pilot, or you can find a way to rediscover your inner energy and desire. I know it's tough to make time for sexual expression when you have a family, work, school and a million other demands to fulfill, but it's not impossible. Why Your Brain Is The Biggest Sex Organ

Take a look at your schedule. Yes, I know you're busy, but somewhere in that schedule there are 15 or 20 minutes that you can devote to yourself and your husband. Do you both have to take a shower in the morning? What a good bonding opportunity! Perhaps there's time for a lunchtime rendezvous, or a quick evening date (just make sure you get that time in before you run out of gas).

Marriage is hard work, and so is keeping your sexual confidence. Remember to butter that toast in the morning!