How To Deal With Depression And Not Let It Ruin Your Relationship
Whether it's you or your partner who's depressed, you can protect your relationship.
getty Depression sucks. Sorry to be so honest, but I'm a therapist and that's my job. When you're depressed, nothing sounds good, your body aches like you have the flu, you feel like the most worthless human being on the planet, and you just can't stop crying.
If you are depressed, you might be suffering from some or all of the following symptoms: loneliness, paralyzing fear, racing heart and thoughts, achy body, headaches, stomach aches, insomnia, sleeping all day, annoying your friends and family with your negative view of the world, or being consistently angry with yourself for feeling stuck in a dark hole. Oh, and also being a lousy partner in a relationship. No, depression and relationships cannot co-exist.
As a couples therapist, I have the unique job of working with both the relationship and the individual needs of clients, and that means teaching partners how to deal with depression.
When one of the parties is struggling with depression, it gets even more complicated. I have to gauge their understanding of depression, dig out any family history with the disease, and the decide how to work with the couple when only one of the individuals is suffering from this particular problem.
Imagine telling a wife that all of her marital issues stem from her husband's depression. "It's not you, it's him, and there's nothing you can do about it." It certainly changes the course of the therapy.
Even after years of experience, I honestly don't know which is the harder role: having the depression, or supporting the person who has it. Regardless, there are some healthy ways of accepting depression in your own life and in your relationship.
Often, it's hard to know if depression causes the relationship problems or the relationship problems trigger the depression. What's important is how the couple chooses to manage it. We don't always have control over our feelings, but we do have the responsibility to manage how they impact our lives and the lives of those around us.
Managing depression in a relationship requires the couple to work together on "how" it is taken care of. It sounds mechanical, but part of it needs to be. If depression isn't cared for, it can wreak havoc. I ask couples to externalize depression as its own issue, like taking out the garbage. Both need to deal with it for the better of the whole.
If you are on the outside looking in, loving someone who has depression can be incredibly difficult, especially if it came about later in the relationship and has now changed the dynamics of the relationship. This problem calls upon your fundamental love and caring for not only your partner but for your relationship.
Don't assume one of you has to be "fine" all the time and that somebody has to be you. Be reasonable about what you can and cannot accomplish yourself, but more importantly, don't lose yourself.
Learning how to deal with depression requires communication and honesty. Some folks are terrified of telling their partner that they have depression. There is a high risk factor associated with being vulnerable about this topic, but it can just as easily be compared to having a food allergy.
Be honest about it, do your best to not make it someone else's issue, and accept it as part of you. You will find it's so much easier to operate in life when you are able to accept what's in front of you and spend your energy focused on the future.
Walk gingerly. Go back to your values. Love your partner. Offer kindness. Make grilled cheese. Don't assume. Ask questions. Hug. Get a physical. Check meds. Call the therapist. Watch funny movies. Do yoga. Take time and space for yourself. Induce hope, and try not to judge.
Depression sucks. There's no way around that, and for couples trying to keep a healthy relationship together, it can be a force to be reckoned with. But I promise you, it can be reckoned with.
Kelley O'Gorman is an Individual & Couples Therapist in Portland, Oregon.
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