A 13-Step Guide For Any Man To Be Better In Bed (And Have Way Hotter Sex)
How to read and interact with your partner's body.
getty I understand that being a man is not easy. Women are strange and mysterious creatures who seem, to men, to defy the rules of logic. Energetically and sexually speaking, women are pretty much the opposite of men. This is an undeniable fact.
Still, for around 90 percent of the population (those who aren't lucky enough to be gay), the coupling between man and woman is an inevitable and potentially stormy part of life.
I'm sure you have felt yourself at loggerheads with your lover at times. She refuses to look at things logically and is completely incomprehensible. In the bedroom, she can be passive and you feel frustrated. It can be confusing and distressing for both genders.
Let’s face it, in many ways, the relationship between men and women is in a state of crisis. The #Metoo movement, while certainly necessary, has demonstrated the dynamic of accuser and abuser that has become the dominating theme between the sexes, rather than emotional connection.
Men are complaining that their partners are ruining sex by being passive in bed; women are saying that men are ruining sex by hurting them or being too aggressive.
Nobody wants this dynamic in the bedroom. The natural state between two lovers is harmony: they are engaging in an eloquent dance of equals. You are the man and as a woman, I genuinely feel for you. You have been cast into the role of perpetrator (and some men certainly deserve this label), but your deepest instincts may be towards love and harmony.
You just want to be part of the beautiful dance of love, just like we do.
I, a woman, am not writing this article to criticize you or to put you down. I'm responding here to the husbands who have been ringing me for advice because their wife won't have sex with them and for the men who contact me asking how to be better in bed.
I want to share with you my experience as a woman, a tantra educator, and sexological bodyworker so that you can use this knowledge. After all, people having great sex are happy people and happy people make a better world.
I know that we are different from you and we can seem like a puzzle. But we are very simple to understand if you look at us in the right light. A woman is like a flower and as a man, you need to open her gently.
Men, who have overcome being controlled by lust, make the best lovers. That's why meditators make the best lovers, they have learned, at least to some extent, how to master their minds. If your mind is in your penis, it is leading the way. There is a reason people say the word "d*ckhe*d".
In martial arts, we say that where the attention goes the energy goes. Bring your attention and energy into your heart and then you will find the connection with the woman.
As a tantra educator, I have come to realize that most women, to some extent at least, are in a state of trauma. This means they are shut down to various extents. They can be traumatized by anything from a strict religious upbringing to physical trauma.
This is why so many men are complaining about passive partners. Learning how to open them again is actually quite easy if you follow a few simple steps.
There is one element that is more important than anything else. That is energy. Women pick up on energy much more acutely than men. They may not explain it logically but they feel it and they will follow it. If you are coming from a place of love from your heart, she will feel it and respond.
I am often approached by sexually frustrated husbands. Their wife does not want sex with them anymore. I can feel their frustration because their sexual needs are not being met.
But I also feel the energy that they are bringing to their wife. It’s not love; it’s lust and frustration and the woman recoils. If he approached her heart with love, he would find the key to opening her up and getting what he wants.
Here are 13 simple points which will allow you to open up any woman, even if she is completely sexually blocked. Remember that ultimately, she is the Goddess and you will find that you are achieving just what you want.
If she is climbing all over you and ready to go, that's great. But you can still use these tips to optimize the energy and maintain the connection and chemistry in the long term.
This is the magic formula not only for you to get what you want but also how to be better in bed to make your partner a happy lady:
1. Being a great lover starts before you enter the bedroom.
Women need to feel safe to be able to enter ‘the dance’. Make sure she knows how special she is to you. Show her that you will listen to her talking and give her respect and understanding, even if you don’t understand her.
My Tantra teacher would say that women naturally speak from the heart (as opposed to men who speak from the brain). Therefore, he said, the woman is always right because the heart is always right.
In other words, she is not speaking with logic but about how she feels. Analyzing her feelings with logic will only lead to disharmony. Things may not make logical sense but she is telling you what her heart is telling her. Don’t try to rationalize it, just feel it too and let it go. Remember she is the Goddess.
It's a good idea to talk about where you are going. Discuss your desires and fears, expectations, and boundaries.
2. Create connection.
Connection is the key to creating the magic that makes a sexual encounter really exciting and fun. Eye contact plays a major part in this. The eyes are the doorway to the soul. Eye connection creates magic and intense feelings.
Since women are ruled by their hearts, creating a connection with their heart is essential. Placing your hand over her heart and looking in her eyes is a magic formula. Breathe deeply and slowly and try to synchronize your breathing.
You can try sitting cross-legged with your lover on your lap and her legs around you. Breathing together, spend time enjoying the presence of each other's bodies. Relax in each other's space. Completely let go and you will find that she will relax too.
One of the secrets to being a good lover is to relax and let the energy flow. Go with no intention or expectations, other than to love. If you are thinking,"How quick until this is over and I can get on with the real stuff?", she will feel it and it can block the opening process.
If she feels that you are enjoying the moment, she will relax with you and start to enter the dance.
3. Create a safe and cozy environment to make love.
Make sure phones will not go off and the space is comfortable. Whether it’s your first encounter with this woman or she is your regular partner, put in the work to build up the energy.
Personal hygiene is essential, and smelling like an ashtray doesn't do it with a non-smoker. Perfume actually covers the smell of hormones which naturally create great chemistry, so clean but smelling of you is best. Your hands especially need to be clean and nails filed to prevent hurting her.
When you feel the urge to go further, relax, breathe, look into her eyes, and wait. Even if she wants it, let her want it even more. Let the hormones build up until she is gagging for it. Do it playfully but make sure that she knows that you are in the driver's seat, this is a massive turn on. Rushing is really unsexy.
4. Relaxed lips feel the best.
Passionate kissing is great but tense lips are not. I believe that the woman, as the Goddess, is supposed to lead the way in the bedroom, although initially, she may be playing the passive role.
Entice her to nibble your lips by nuzzling her face gently and she will start to step into her role as Goddess. Present yourself as a God who is there for her pleasure, a tasty dish for her to pick away at, at her leisure. She will respond to the energy.
5. Explore her whole body.
Touch gently and slowly and leave no stone unturned. Do it as if you have never touched a woman’s body before and are fascinated with your first exploration. Touch her, smell her and taste her, letting your five senses relish the delicacy before you.
Show her how fun it is and she may want to explore you too, although if at this point she is just lying and enjoying it, that's a good sign too. Sometimes I just want to lie and receive, other times I like to be more active.
Areas to pay special attention to are the sacrum and spine. These areas hold a lot of energy and massaging the sacrum and gently up the spine feels incredible. Find her erogenous zones and play with them. As you remove clothing, make sure that she is comfortable with your pace.
Watch her face and listen to her breathing to gauge her reactions. If she holds her breath or goes tense it’s a sign to slow down and reconnect.
6. The breasts are like the pathway to the vagina.
Halfway down from the mouth, they are full of hormones. A massage can release the hormones into the body. The sides of the breasts and near the armpits can be especially erogenous. Stroke these gently and slowly while smiling to her and connecting with her eyes.
Nipples can be very sensitive both in terms of pleasure but also pain, so be careful not to hurt her. Watch her face to observe her reaction because she might not tell you if it hurts. She might just tense up and shut down.
Touch and massage around her heart, which will open up the flow of energy all through her torso. Stroke her belly, lick and taste it, constantly looking back at her and smiling to keep the connection going and monitor where she is.
Keep relaxed and breathing calmly. Stroke her thighs and feel into her body. If you go to an area and it’s tense, stop there. Touch it slowly and gently to release tension and open it. For her to open into the Goddess that she is, she needs to be relaxed.
If she is not ready for you to go somewhere, just go back, hold her, talk and keep connecting. Show her that she is safe with you and you have all the time in the world.
If you are feeling overwhelmed with horniness, there is a trick to managing this. Sexual frustration is energy stuck in your genitals that should be moving upwards. You can use your mind and PC muscles to move this energy up your body. This is called Sexual Alchemy — it transforms sexual frustration into self-confidence and Love.
Rome was not built in a day and if you have to wait until next time that’s ok too. Rushing to pleasure yourself on her is really unsexy.
Many husbands complain to me that their wife won’t let him touch her breasts. If this is the case, she is really shut down to the experience of pleasure and views sex as a stressful thing. You need to go back to step 1 and show her how fun you are and how great it is to connect.
Being a husband is not an excuse to be lazy. Go back to your first date and seduce her again.
7. Approach her vagina like you are nearing a shrine.
Watch the signs for her body to be open. If she is tense and stiff, then her body is not ready; you need to go back to some of the earlier stages and help her to relax. Massage around and above the pubic bone to stimulate the uterus and ovaries.
If she is relaxed, perhaps moaning and making movements with her body, she is ready. You can whisper to her "May I?" just to make sure that she feels totally in control and safe. Respect any boundaries she has set out and you are likely to see her taking them down as she warms up and feels safe with you. But that is her choice.
The last thing you want after all the work you have done to open her up is for her to suddenly tense when you touch her. Start by gently placing your hand over her vagina and leaving it there for a few minutes to allow the energy to build up.
If she is ready she will start to move. Let her and let the energy keep building up. You keep breathing and keep relaxed, and if she is tensing with horniness you can encourage her to relax and feel the sensations.
Women are psychic and will tell if you are tense or nervous and she will get nervous too. Start to massage the labia gently in slow circles with your whole hand. After a few minutes of this, you can gently move to using your fingers to massage the labia.
A great trick is to slowly and gently run your fingers up the gap between the inner and outer labia, over the clitoris and then down the other side, going up and down in an upside down v shape.
Don’t over stimulate the clitoris at this point as this may block her from intense G-Spot orgasms later on. Use your tongue and lips to suck on and around the lips and clitoris.
It is better to stimulate around the clitoris as opposed to directly on it as this actually disperses the energy and can become too intense and even painful. The urethra, just below the clitoris, is really sensitive and connects directly to the G-Spot inside.
As you reach the vagina entrance, move in slow and gentle circles. Keep up the eye contact and also use your other hand to stroke her body, especially the thighs, buttocks, and breasts, and to keep the heart connection going.
Make yourself available for her to touch you and give you oral but don’t ask. You have to wait for her to take the lead with that. If someone asks me for oral I turn right off it, but if they wait for me to be ready then, I go crazy with it.
8. Enter as if you were going to a temple.
Take your time and feel what the muscles are doing. The vagina is a set of intricate muscles and nerves and if you get it right, it will literally suck your fingers or penis in.
Everything should be wet by now if she is relaxed and enjoying it. Go really slow and try to tune into the sucking feeling that is created by a really open vagina.
9. Explore her body.
As your fingers slowly enter, you’ll feel something that’s a bit like the end of a nose. That’s the cervix. Naturally, the cervix should be pleasurable but because many women have had their cervixes traumatized by rough sex, it can become be painful.
Look at her face and sense for any tension in her body and change in breathing. You can ask her for feedback too.
Gentle massage of the cervix can release the trauma, just like massaging a shoulder. Touch the heart while you do this because the cervix connects directly to the heart. Be very gentle while doing this.
If you feel down the top of the cervix, at the base of the cervix you can find the A-Spot. This is an erogenous zone you can gently touch and activate, exploring with your lover.
10. Get to know the mysterious G-Spot.
I have actually been asked by clients if the G-Spot is real. I can categorically confirm that it is. If you put a finger inside your lover with your palm facing up and hook your finger as if to beckon, you should feel a spot a bit like the ridges in the top of the mouth. That's it.
The reason there is so much controversy over the G-spot is that in some women it can become blocked and numb or even painful. Gentle massaging of the G-spot can start to open the area to pleasure. The G-spot can have orgasms that are different from the classical clitoral orgasms that are most commonly known. These are intense clamping sensations of the whole vagina.
Under the G-spot is the Skene’s gland. This magical little gland is also known as the female prostate. If you massage around the G-Spot you can feel it. If you keep massaging it, it can start to fill with fluid, which can then squirt out of the urethra. This is female ejaculation.
Many women are not connected to their ability to ejaculate. G-spot orgasms and female ejaculation have a lot to do with the woman being relaxed and your heart connected to hers.
I have had G-spot orgasms ejaculations without being touched (whilst meditating with a partner) so it's much more than about mere physical stimulation. I could write a book about this, it’s a lengthy topic. Suffice to say, the G-spot is there.
11. Be polite and take it slow.
So she is nice and open and loving it. If she’s not, don’t worry, go back to cuddling and talking to her, get her to open up and speak what’s on her mind. Is something stressing her? This is a chance to clear things up in your relationship and show you really care.
Check her facial expressions, breathing, and body movement. She should be moving her hips, breathing, and making little noises. If she is not your regular partner, check if she wants you to go further.
Politeness is really sexy, it shows you care. Pushiness is such a turn-off. If you are not in a relationship or have not talked about it and both been tested, use a condom.
STD’s are not sexy. If I’m with a man for the first time and he doesn’t want to use one, I just think, how many other women did you do that with? It’s a total turn off.
Keep going slowly and breathing. Now you can put your penis near her vagina. You can put it lengthways at first and just lie still. Later, stroking the end gently around the vagina entrance feels amazing Wait for the reflex of the vagina sucking you in which I describe above. Don't push. Wait for the vagina to take you in, literally.
12. Don't rely on pornography.
Let’s face it, most of us got our sex ed from Hollywood and porn. But I’m telling you, they have fed you a load of lies. "Harder" and "faster" desensitizes the vagina and the penis, damaging nerves and reducing your ability to feel pleasure in the long term and leading to sexual dysfunction.
Those people in the porn movies are all on Viagra and it's choreographed; they are acting. Slow and steady wins the race. I’ll share a few techniques I love.
The first one is shallow penetration. Try gently and slowly going in just an inch or two and then come out. This stimulates the G-spot and done right has the effect on the vagina of making it literally grab at your penis. This is intensely pleasurable.
With this practice, you are re-programming your body to a different way of feeling pleasure. It may feel strange at first, but once you get used to it you will never go back.
Another thing to try is to stay still with each other, you inside, and just experience being together. At first, it seems unusual but after a while, your bodies can start to vibrate together. It feels amazing.
13. The key is to relax.
I don’t want to lay any hard and fast rules here. But relaxing is the key. If you are relaxed you can connect with the energy this eternal dance of love and pleasure will take you where you need to go. The other secret is to keep connected. Bring your senses literally to your lover, keeping up eye contact, and awareness of how she is feeling.
Make love as if you are in a dance together. There are dozens of positions and ways to move. I can’t cover them all here. This is a dance and these are tools to play with. You are the dancers. Enjoy the dance.
I’m sharing these things with you because as a woman, I want us to be in harmony with each other. There is a lack of understanding that is causing us to view each other as enemies.
I don’t want to see men as separate from me or my enemy, which has happened to many women. I know we have all been miseducated and fallen out of sync in our eternal dance of harmony.
If I can leave you with one thought, energy is everything. If your energy is good, she will feel it. If you are stressed, tense or frustrated, she will feel it. If you are blissful and serene she will feel that. It’s about 90 percent energy and 10 percent technique.
That's why meditators make the best lovers. If you are relaxed and in harmony with her, the dance will flow and you will be as one.
Jade Lotus is a therapist and meditation coach, teaching Taoist Inner Alchemy Meditation, including Sexual Alchemy. Her therapy sessions center on allowing clients to move on from their traumas and discover themselves for who they really are. To find out more, visit her website.