Why Popular Dating Advice Is Steering You Wrong
What's the true secret to dating success?
getty Everyone has received some sort of dating advice.
Have you ever heard people say, "Just keep dating. It’s a numbers game"? In my experience, as a dating and relationship expert, that dating advice a recipe for exhaustion.
Going out with dozens of potential mates, only to find out that their values aren’t in alignment with yours or they're not looking for the same thing you are, will at best leave you confused and at worst leave you feeling resigned to being single.
Here's a scenario of how bad dating advice can set you up for failure.
Imagine you’re unemployed and need a job. Some well-meaning friend tells to just send out a lot of resumes because something’s bound to stick.
So, you spend hours sending out dozens of resumes — one for a law clerk, another for dental hygienist, another for E.R. nurse, a plumber position, an executive chef, CEO, and a paramedic.
You’ve listened, you’ve taken action, and have invested countless hours and effort applying for a huge variety of jobs, hoping one will stick. What’s worse is that you don’t even get a single response to your application.
What all of these jobs have in common is that they give you a paycheck at the end of the week, which is your goal. But there’s one key factor that’s missing.
You haven’t assessed whether these jobs are in alignment with your values and what you’re looking for. You’ve only assessed the end goal: a paycheck.
This strategy is a set up for failure. Then, after all that effort and still being unemployed, you begin to wonder, "What’s wrong with me?"
You keep trying to figure out why no one wants you. It’s the same thing with dating.
When you date with a revolving-door mindset, you’re dating all types of people hoping something will stick.
This type of dating only has the final goal in mind: finding a partner.
And just like the job search, when nothing materializes you begin to question, "What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I find love?"
In both of these scenarios, the questions and self-doubt are not the truth about you. They're a conclusion you naturally reach, but it’s based on a faulty strategy.
Both use strategies that guarantee failure.
The "Dating is a numbers game" strategy is missing one crucial factor.
You haven’t assessed if your values are in alignment with the people you date and if you’re actually looking for the same thing.
What’s missing is the preliminary and crucial work of understanding how to date for success.
If you’re single and not finding the right partner, there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s the strategy you’re using to find The One.
With the single men and women I work with, I show them the five steps that are critical to avoiding the pitfalls of dating and to succeed at picking the right partner.
The first step is getting crystal clear about what you’re looking for and what you need to be happy in a relationship.
My partner once said, "When you don’t know what you’re looking for, anyone will do."
What that means is that when you get clarity about what you need in a relationship, you’ve set the groundwork to filter out the hundreds of potential dates.
In this way, you avoid going out with the ones who may break your heart or end up in a dead-end relationship. You'll only date the ones in alignment with your values and your needs.
Filtering out the unsuitable partners and only dating people who are in alignment with what you’re looking for is the best strategy to lead you to a healthy and loving partnership that will stick.
Iris Benrubi M.A. is a highly trained and experienced psychotherapist and dating expert who focuses on showing men and women how to succeed at dating and relationships that thrive. She is the Amazon #1 Best-Seller ‘From Lonely & Single to Loved & Adored and in her recent interview of Dr. Phil has revealed the #1 mistake women make when looking for a life partner and can be reached on her website Forever Love Coaching for more advice on love and romance.