5 Questions To Ask Your Partner If You Think They Might Be Cheating
Ask these questions before letting the accusations fly.
Getty If you've seen suspicious signs of infidelity and have reason to suspect your partner is having an affair, you may be understandably wondering what the options are for the future of your marriage.
At the same time, no one wants to accuse their spouse of being a cheating husband or wife if such suspicions are unfounded and they're not actually guilty of any of betrayal or adultery of any kind. Maybe it’s all a big misunderstanding, and everything is fine after all!
But how can you be sure about whether or not there there have been any extramarital affairs in your relationship?
There are questions you can ask before you make any bold, accusatory statements in order to help you figure out what's really going on.
Remember to be thoughtful in your decisions regarding when, where and how to ask, and pay close attention to the answers you get, as they will provide important details you'll need in order to figure out your next steps.
Here are 5 questions to ask your husband or wife to find out if they're cheating on you.
1. Why can’t we go together?
Along the same lines, you could ask, "Why don’t you want me to come with you?"
If you’re part of a couple that used to do practically everything together and now your partner prefers going out solo at odd hours, he or she might be cheating on you.
After all, why is it so important that they go without you? Do they not want to be seen with you for some reason? Would a server at the local Italian restaurant recognize that you’re not the woman he had lunch with last week? Or is your partner hiding something? Is he or she secretly heading out to meet someone else?
Be sure to keep some perspective.
If you have a birthday or anniversary coming up, maybe they’re planning a surprise for you. Or perhaps your partner has introverted tendencies and truly needs some downtime all alone.
2. May I see your phone?
Unlike the days when someone who wanted to contact a secret boyfriend or girlfriend would have to wait until everyone else left the house in order to make a phone call, in today’s world, cheaters have the constant ability to communicate stealthily at their fingertips.
Smart phones make infidelity light years easier than ever for people interesting in being unfaithful, whether they’re setting up a clandestine rendezvous, sending flirty text messages, or even sexting with someone halfway around the world.
If your partner gets defensive or stalls when you ask to see their phone, it could be a strong clue that there's something on their phone that is definitely not meant for your eyes. If they do hand it over, check the call logs, voicemails, photos, texts, and social media accounts for anything out of line.
3. Is there a reason you don’t seem to be paying attention to me like you used to?
If your partner is cheating on you, chances are they’re also paying much less attention to you than before, as their energy is being diverted toward the other man or woman.
However, this question comes with a bit of a caveat, because it’s totally natural that, after the initial flush of infatuated excitement in a new relationship passes, the amount and type of attention you pay each other shifts.
Remember when ordinary tasks like grocery shopping together were fun and exciting? Now, after years together, it’s just another chore.
Which is to say that what seems like inattention could actually be your relationship settling into a normal phase.
There’s also a converse to this question that’s important to consider, which is, "Why are you paying so much attention to me all of a sudden?"
When men and women cheat, they sometimes feel guilty or grow concerned that their partner will suspect something, so they go out of their way to be even more loving and attentive than usual in order to avoid suspicion, which can be, as a result, suspicious in its own way.
4. Would you be willing to cut back on social media?
A recent study conducted by a University of Missouri researcher suggests that a link exists between heavy social media use and infidelity.
Now, just because she’s always on Facebook, that doesn’t mean she’s necessarily cheating on you, but frequent interaction with others online, especially where direct messages can foster feelings of closeness and intimacy, could signal that there’s more than just innocent chatting between good friends going on.
The ease with which people can send and respond to messages on social media, the lack of social cues that would function as inhibitions, and the perceived privacy of communication make it only too easy to flirt and get carried away.
Reducing social media usage at home might not solve all of your problems, but there’s a good chance it won’t hurt either; and both of you might find yourselves with more free time available, during which you can focus on each other instead of your apps.
5. Are you cheating on me?
This last one is not for the faint-of-heart. This is the “go big or go home” kind of question you probably shouldn't ask unless you’re really sure you want to hear the answer, no matter what it is.
Your partner will reply by telling you either yes or no, and you’ll either choose to believe them or you won’t.
Watch for nervous body language and listen for stalling tactics like repeating the question back to you.
Regardless of the answer, this question can open up an important dialog about the future of your relationship, because even if he or she is not cheating, the fact that you feel like there might have been an affair is a big red flag, indicating there's work to do in your relationship.
While every situation is different, these five questions can help you investigate suspicions that your spouse or partner might be having an affair.
They may also lead to important conversations about how you’re both feeling and why.
Even if there’s no infidelity happening, the nature of these questions should make it clear to your partner that there are things you both need to work on, and regardless of the end result of the conversation, asking these questions can get you started on the path to a happier life — with or without your partner.
C. Mellie Smith specializes in providing her readers with tools and resources to survive infidelity and rise from their struggles even stronger than before. You can get past this! Begin Your Affair Recovery journey by visiting her website now.