An Open Letter To Anthony Weiner's Sexting Partners

First of all, I want to acknowledge the pain you're in. You've been hurt by someone in a position of power and then victimized again by our society. I believe Anthony Weiner is suffering from a Level One or Level Two sexual addiction, and you have been traumatized by it. Our society underestimates the danger and the cost of this kind of addiction — and often blames the victim as a way to avoid taking responsibility for the pain it causes, just like the addict does. You've been caught in our culture's systemic "victim blaming" stance, also known as "rape-splaining" and "sl*t-shaming."

I'm a sex addiction coach, and here's how I see it:

Anthony Weiner plainly used his position as a prominent lawmaker to steer political discussions into lewd conversations. He explained his sexual advances by complaining of loneliness when his wife was traveling for work, which unfairly shifted the blame to his wife. He exposed himself to you, which felt like a shocking violation — and later to the world via Twitter. This is a form of exhibitionism.

He took advantage of you, his devotees — and victimized you twice: once by exposing you to unwanted advances and once by exposing you to virulent public criticism. He exploited his political clout to gain your trust because you were in a less powerful position. 

Patrick Carnes, the leading expert on sexual addiction and author of the groundbreaking book, Out of The Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, refers to this kind of sex-addicted behavior as "indecent calls and liberties" and "exhibitionism." According to Carnes, indecent calls and liberties occur "when the addict calls a woman in order to make suggestive statements, or to ask intrusive or embarrassing sexual questions." Soon, however, efforts to be more explicit about the sexual intrusion can follow. Keep reading...

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Carnes notes that exhibitionists like the "edge" of exposing themselves to people — like any of you who did not request explicit photos and were shocked to receive them. Society thinks of these "Level One" addicts as just weird, nuisance perverts, but it's not just annoying behavior — there is trauma for you, the victim. Being accosted by an exposer can be very damaging and frightening. "Even most exhibitionists carry an image of the face of a person they know they've hurt. Both society and the addict underestimate the danger and the cost of the addiction," says Carnes.

Weiner most likely rationalizes that he can handle his behavior, and that it has no impact on his life. But with sexual addictions, damaging consequences can quickly, if subtly, overtake him. His sexual violations have created few real social consequences for him — as evidenced by his light-hearted jokes about Twitter, and his improbable campaign for mayor of New York City. 

The next level of addiction involves clear violations of cultural norms — and therefore greater excitement and greater risk. If he doesn't get help, we will most likely see an acceleration of sexually addicted behavior, which means more abuse of power, and more victimized devotees. Let's hope he gets help before he comes into greater political power. 

At this stage, you — the victims — are paying the toll of blame and pain that comes with sexual addiction. I am deeply sorry you've had to take the brunt of it. But I am so glad to see the five of you are coming together to break free of the shame of secrecy and isolation. I think you are brave and courageous to work together to support each other. If it is any consolation, Weiner will not be free of the shame, pain and isolation until he himself finds the courage to reach out for help as you have. 

As for the co-workers, random strangers and mean-spirited commenters who decide to blame you, the victims, for this? Remember they are only shifting their own pain onto you. And you can choose not to accept it. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Take this as an opportunity to gain strength, hope, and self-acceptance, and you'll be teaching other women to do the same. 

Hadley Earabino, TheLoveLifeCoach.com