5 Ways To Have Better Sex When Your Man Isn’t So Great In The Sack
An expert's guide to have amazing, passionate sex!
getty Do you want to have better sex, but your man isn't so great in the sack?
There are a number of reasons why men do not make love to women how they would like. In fact, a large percentage of women are dissatisfied with their sex lives.
For many women, sex is boring and dull. It leaves them feeling frustrated and disappointed, due to a lack of orgasms.
Men, on the other hand, will come again and again.
It shouldn’t be like this! Women deserve great sex and plenty of orgasms. Your pleasure matters, too!
Here are 5 common reasons why men are bad in bed and how you can have better sex!
1. Sex (mis)education.
In our culture, there is a huge amount of misinformation amongst men about what turns women on and how to give them an orgasm. Many men are not aware of how bad they are in the bedroom.
Poor sex education is largely to blame for this. Porn has also not helped in this matter.
Far too many men receive their understanding about sex and pleasuring women from porn, which we know is performative sex. For many men, porn is the primary source of their sex education!
Learning to satisfy women from porn is like learning how to drive from Hollywood movies. It may look good on screen, but it won’t work in real life.
Porn has distorted how many men view pleasuring women and passionate sex. This has led to growing numbers of men suffering from porn-induced erectile dysfunction — basically, porn is making men impotent to a degree.
Lone viewers of porn become accustomed to being fully in control of their sexual experience — something which is difficult to replicate with a real woman.
In real life, good sex requires mutual participation, something porn and masturbation can’t provide. Being faced with a woman with her own needs and insecurities could be deeply offputting to heavy porn users.
To overcome this, better sex education is needed to understand authentic sexual experiences. Men need to understand that every woman is different.
To have amazing, passionate sex requires two-way communication, emotional connection, and sincere exploration. Women should not feel shy to take the lead and teach your partner about your body.
Men are not mind-readers. He won't know what you like unless you tell him.
2. Performance anxiety.
Sexual performance anxiety is a feeling of nervousness and worry before and during sex. It’s very common for men to suffer performance anxiety at some stage in their life.
The pressure to satisfy women plays on the minds of many men. Over time, the stress and anxiety can lead to difficulty in getting or maintaining an erection.
Intimacy worries about body image and penis size can also lead to feelings of nervousness and inadequacy.
Fortunately, performance anxiety can be easily solved. From open and honest communication with your partner to relaxation exercises, you can help him overcome his performance worries and enjoy a fulfilling sex life.
3. Premature ejaculation.
Premature ejaculation (P.E.) is when a man ejaculates quickly during sexual intercourse. It’s another common sexual problem that causes great frustration and embarrassment for men and their partners.
Although most women do not regularly climax from penetration alone, many women would like to orgasm during intercourse.
Some women think a man is a terrible lover if he can’t last long enough for her to climax. This is where P.E. can be a serious concern.
However, P.E. is a manageable problem that should not impede your sex life. There are some effective natural treatments which men can use to delay ejaculation.
These treatments include behavioral practices, topical anesthetics, mindfulness, pelvic-floor exercises, and sexual techniques (such as the start-stop method, the squeeze method, or the Kunyaza technique).
4. He's a selfish lover.
Truth be told, some men are extremely selfish in the sack and have no interest in satisfying their partners. For such men, their pleasure is most important. Sex ends when they climax — often within a few minutes.
You’ve probably come across such insensitive men in your past or current relationships. Good news is that selfish lovers can change.
It may take some time and effort, but I believe they can change. A selfish lover can become a considerate, attentive lover.
As his partner you can teach and provide guidance to such a man, but you can’t change him. It has to come from himself.
You aren’t responsible for making a man a great lover. Neither should you blame yourself or take responsibility for a man who doesn't want to satisfy you.
Remember: He’s the one with the problem, not you.
As certified sexual health educator Angelica Lindsey-Ali said, “Do not minimize yourself to appeal to men. Do not shape shift. Be the woman you are born to be, without apology.“
5. A lack of desire.
Loss of desire is common in long-term relationships, even amongst married couples in love with one another. In some cases, love can destroy desire.
Too much intimacy and closeness can suffocate eroticism and sexuality. Desire needs freedom to thrive. "Desire needs space," psychotherapist Esther Perel famously said.
Female attractiveness and a woman’s sex appeal stirs the male desire. It’s not all about wearing sexy lingerie, speaking "dirty," or the female body.
Attraction is much broader than that. It includes how a woman walks, her confidence, her positivity, her aura. For men, this is all part of what creates attraction and sex appeal in women.
Nothing turns a man on more than when he sees a woman really turned on. This is why so many men watch porn.
The male desire responds to female sexual interest. He needs to see and believe you are interested in making love. This will rekindle his desire.
Sometimes, you do not need to initiate sex. If you're interested, he should see the sex in your eyes.
To cultivate his desire, he needs to see you in your full erotic self. When there is an element of mystery and space between you, this will truly awaken his desire.
Give yourself permission to have better sex.
Generally, the biggest turn-on for women is when she feels aroused. The secret to female sexuality is when a woman allows herself to fully enjoy pleasure. This requires having a relaxed state of mind and being confident with your body.
A woman should think pleasure to enjoy pleasure. This requires allowing you to love yourself and not be overly self-critical, or you will turn yourself off.
A woman should feel loved to be loved. This requires being comfortable and in love with yourself, so that you can feel comfortable with someone making love to you.
A woman should desire better sex to have better sex. This requires her being in tune with your mind and body, in a relaxed, loving state of mind and comfortable with your partner.
A woman should give her(sensual)self permission to receive sexual satisfaction. This requires being in a loving state of mind with a partner, whereby each touch will bring great joy, each kiss will bring intense pleasure, and each encounter will bring amazing delight and better sex.
Habeeb Akande is a sex educator and author of Kunyaza: The Secret to Female Pleasure. He runs intimacy workshop for men and women on how to improve their sex lives with amazing pleasure techniques. Follow Habeeb on Twitter to learn more his upcoming workshops: @Habeeb_Akande.