The CRITICAL Importance Of Unconditional Parenting
Make sure you don't screw up your kids and make them someone else's doormat.
istock A major tenet of the Parentology philosophy is accepting and loving our children unconditionally. This is why we spend a lot of time in our workshops practicing how to respond when children misbehave or act in a manner that may make us feel uncomfortable.
Most importantly, it is essential that parents "separate the child from the behavior". No matter what our children do (whether it is positive or negative), we must show them that we love them unconditionally and that what is being discussed or debated is their behavior or the choice they are making.
The challenge is processing events and incidences in a way that is productive and meaningful — get curious, avoid blame, and share the responsibility — absolutely no personal criticism!
Unfortunately, a common parenting practice these days is to praise children for "doing right" and to remain silent or punish for "doing wrong". But, as the New York Times article "When a Parent’s ‘I Love You’ Means ‘Do as I Say’" points out, research shows that this practice can be very damaging to children in the long run:
What these and other studies tell us is that praising children for doing something right isn’t a meaningful alternative to pulling back or punishing when they do something wrong. Both are examples of conditional parenting and both are counterproductive.
The last of these features is important with respect to unconditional parenting itself. Most of us would protest that, of course, we love our children without any strings attached.
But what counts is how things look from the perspective of the children — whether they feel just as loved when they mess up or fall short.
If you find yourself processing an event or incident with your child, take a moment to be in his or her shoes first. What do you want to hear? What do you need to hear first?