2 Huge Insecurities Alpha Males Hide, As Written By One
Outside posturing is covering up their insecurities.
perfectwave | Canva Growing up, blame and insecurity dominated my life. To survive, I learned to remain one step ahead of others and wear strong emotional armor. Today, I accept I am just another rider on the bus of life, and I no longer insist on sitting in the driver's seat all the time.
Here are two huge insecurities alpha males hide, as written by one:
1. Body image is an endless struggle.
Tough on the outside but insecure on the inside, they depend on their physical ability to dominate and compete aggressively against other men. They learn what it takes to rise above their competition physically. While these guys usually don't verbalize their insecurity directly, their dissatisfaction with body image is detrimental.
A body image survey conducted by Today and AOL in 2014 found men worry more about their appearance than they do other aspects of their lives (health, family, relationships, job, finances). Nearly half of the men surveyed stated they thought about their physical appearance several times per day. Fifty-three percent of men said, "they felt unsure about their physical appearance at least once a week." And 41 percent worried people judge their appearance.
Pressure mounts, as men age, to maintain their physical appearance and retain their competitive edge. Insecure men often go to extreme measures (i.e., steroids, testosterone replacement, protein supplements, extreme sports, and excessive workouts), attempting to retain their place at the head of the imagined pack. While it's true men do things on the outside for healthy reasons on the inside, insecure men often try to compensate for feelings of insecurity and loss through unhealthy extreme behaviors.
To help bolster his confidence in his appearance.
- Avoid comments comparing him to other men.
Instead, speak directly and sincerely about how his current choices are adding value to your relationship.
- Provide specific compliments to him when he does things that help you.
Let him know exactly what it is he is getting right so he can do more than that.
Avoid being critical when offering your opinions.
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When he asks for your opinion, you might say, "If it were me, I might suggest this _____."
- Remind him that you're drawn to him and find him attractive.
One way to do this is by setting time aside each week for a little romance.
Commit to giving him 20-second hugs twice a day.
Dr. Jim Walkup, LMFT, says 20 seconds is "how long it takes your body’s oxytocin to kick in and give you that feeling of comfort."
Photo: Batkova Elena via Shutterstock
2. Vulnerability is his kryptonite.
Separating my self-worth from my accomplishments was a Superman-like feat of courage and effort. Most domineering men are insecure, self-centered, outcome-driven individuals with little time for people and feelings. However, vulnerability is a characteristic of authentic pride (considering yourself a person of value, not superior to others). Becoming appropriately vulnerable increases genuine humility and acceptance of oneself and others and allows one to be seen as relatable and human.
Help him accept himself and embrace his vulnerability as true strength.
- Show him you value what's going on inside of him.
Set aside time daily to check in with him (without distractions).
- Establish agreed-upon rules for sharing feelings and thoughts.
This will ensure you are loving and conversational rather than critical.
Let him know in advance what’s expected of him.
For example, "I need you to listen to my experience and feelings about an incident at work. I do not need any feedback or solutions; I need to know that you understand my feelings. Can you do this?"
- Use "I" messages with him.
I statements are constructed like this, "When you did _____, I felt _____, because I imagined _____." This format lets the insecure man know you're not blaming him, just merely sharing how you felt.
- Practice active listening.
To practice active listening, sit facing each other, take turns speaking, and avoid using judgmental words and labels. Ensure you understand each other by repeating what you heard and asking if you heard correctly.
When I was in the driver's seat accomplishing my goals, it was at the expense of other people.
If you stood in the way of me achieving a goal (deliberately or even innocently), I'd run right over you, regardless of the consequences.
In my youth, I'd get out of bed, shower, look in the mirror, admire my physical appearance, and say, "God, you look great today!" But in my late 20s, I started losing my hair. At 30-something, my joints began to ache. As my physical strength and appearance altered, my response was to "man up" even more in other areas until, in my 40s, I realized if I didn't change my behavior, I was going to lose my wife and friends. I began attending a support group, stopped running, and switched to low-impact cycling to keep fit. In my 50s, my ab definition and facial tone gave way to a less muscular appearance — but inside I was a stronger, better man.
Today, in my heart I am still just as competitive. Yet, now I understand relationships are more important. And most days, I feel blessed with an acceptance and humility of my humanness Along the way, I learned most men share the same deep insecurities. Their behavior, while posturing on the outside, is often focused on covering up their insecurities on the inside.
There are a lot of self-proclaimed Alpha males, and they are lost behind their domineering behavior. But understanding and helping the man in your life face his insecurities head-on is the best way to let his strength shine.
Glenn Harris is a writer, professional coach, co-founder and CEO of Pacific Executive & Education Leadership Associates LLC, and an International Radio Host.