How To Stop Looking For Love In All The WRONG Places

Have you ever had a relationship that didn’t work out? Did it leave you wondering, "What did I do wrong? Why can’t I make my relationships work? What is wrong with me?"

First of all, those aren’t actually questions. They are conclusions with a question mark at the end. When you function from conclusions, you can never create anything different.

Second of all, there is nothing wrong with you. You are not nearly as screwed up as you think you are.

If you’d like to have a relationship that works, you need to know how to stop looking for love in all the wrong places. Here are 4 things you can do:

1. Ask, "What would I like to have in my life?"

Notice I didn’t say, "What would I like to have in my relationship?" That’s because all great relationships start with you having all of you.

Most people look for a relationship and when they find one, the relationship is the replacement for their life. They stop living.

You have to ask questions like:

• What would I like my life to be like in 5 years?
• Do I want to travel?
• How much money do I want to make?
• What is it that’s most important to me?

Asking these questions will give you clarity on what you desire in life and if it even includes a relationship. A relationship is a choice. You don’t have to have one. And if you do choose one, choose one that adds to your life, not one that replaces your life.

2. Make a list of what you would like in a partner. 

You need to ask, "What would I like in a partner?" You’ve got to get clear about what you want in a relationship. The problem is that you don’t ask that. You look at somebody and you say, "Oh, I like her."

You never ask, "Does she like me? Does she like men?" Because you like her, you assume that she’s going to like you and she’s going to like men and everything is going to be perfect.

Find out what you desire. How would you like your interactions with each other to be? What do you want to create with her? Do you want someone who has a good sense of humor? Someone you can have a good conversation with?

3. Make an "I don't want to have" list.

Before I got together with my ex-wife, I made a list of all the things I wanted in the woman I was in a relationship with. She had all those things. What I didn’t make is a list of all the things I did not want in a woman. So I got everything I wanted...and I also got everything I didn’t want.

You’ve got to look at it and say, "I do not wish to have a partner who’s going to complain all the time" or "I don’t want a partner who always argues."

Get clear on what’s going to work for you and what’s not. So many people get into a relationship just because someone chose them. What if you were the chooser rather than the chosen? What if you were willing to commit to your life 100 percent and only be in a relationship if it was going to contribute to both of your lives being greater?

Most people end up in relationships by default rather than by choice. Maybe you were the chosen one. Maybe other people said you should be in a relationship and you listened. Or perhaps you concluded that you needed to have someone in your life to be complete. Whatever the reasons may be, default relationships rarely work.

Choice is required to create something greater. The choice to know what you desire your life to be. The choice to be clear on what will and will not work for you in a relationship. The choice to commit to your life 100 percent.

When you choose this, you no longer need a relationship and when you no longer need a relationship, then you can create a great one. 

Gary Douglas is a business innovator, investor, best-selling author, sought-after international speaker and founder of the transformational life changing tools and processes known as Access Consciousness®. For more information, visit his website.