How To Get Over Being Cheated On In 5 Easy(ish) Steps
Work through your emotions productively.
africa studio / shutterstock Having a cheating partner is one of the most painful experiences a person can have. It hurts you so deeply, and no medication, not even the strongest painkillers, can take away this kind of pain.
Many people spend time thinking about how to get over being cheated on, but is it possible to move forward after catching a cheating husband or wife?
Your partner is asking for forgiveness. They've shown genuine remorse for their infidelity. Your partner is sorry for the hurt that he or she has caused you and is asking for a second chance.
But because you don't yet trust them, you are — understandably — confused, so how do you get over trust issues after being cheated on?
You, being truly and deeply in love with your partner, are willing to give them a chance that they are asking for. The two of you can start anew and build a stronger and better relationship.
But this doesn't necessarily mean the pain and hurt have already gone away. Regaining trust is a choice that you both have to unanimously agree on and your partner has to promise you that they will work hard to regain your trust.
How to get over being cheated on if you have broken up:
1. Express how you're feeling to someone you trust.
Imagine clamping a water hose while the nozzle is switched on. What do you think will happen if you suddenly unclamp it? That's right: the water will come bursting out at a very strong pressure.
This is just the same thing with your hurtful feelings. The more you keep it inside, the more it will be bubbling up inside you and can become dangerous. And when the time comes that you can't hold it in anymore, everything will come bursting out.
A good approach to this is to open up to a person. Share your thoughts and feelings with somebody you really trust, like your parents or your best friend. Doing this will help you unload these hurtful and painful feelings inside of you.
Sometimes after infidelity, you may need the help of a professional. You can ask your therapists or counselors to help you through this painful time.
When talking to them, don't shy away with the things that you say. Be willing to give it your all and pour out all those negative emotions. Remember that they are there to help you, not to criticize you.
2. Accept that you cannot change what happened, but can grow from it.
The thought that your partner has cheated on you can really be very difficult to swallow. And even if you think you can manage to swallow it, you would only be fooling yourself.
People think they can move on with their lives if they suppress all the negative emotions and get themselves to believe it never happened. You can try to fool yourself but you can't truly fool your heart.
As long as you can't accept the fact that it actually happened, you will feel the pain and hurt over and over again.
But how can you accept such a thing did actually happen when all it gives you is anguish? To be able to accept, you need to embrace the pain and acknowledge its existence.
Contemplate the things that have happened and concentrate on what you want to happen in your relationship. Think of the future and see how bright it is. The hurt may not go away instantly, but gradually it will lessen day after day.
Time is a great healer if it's what you want and is willing to focus on.
3. Embrace and fully feel your pain.
Even if you have given him or her a second chance, you may still have that feeling of anger toward your partner. Anger because of what he or she did. And while your partner is there, you will constantly be reminded again and again of what happened, which can trigger those painful feelings.
What you need to do is to communicate with your partner and truthfully tell him or her that you are in pain. Tell your partner all the things you are feeling: pain, anger, grief.
Be willing to ask for his or her help through this painful time.
After infidelity, if your partner really wants to rebuild your relationship and is truly sorry for what happened, they will do everything in his or her power to aid you through this period. Know that your friends and family are there for you when you need them as well.
4. Don't blame yourself.
Don't even think for one second that this might be your fault or that you didn't realize the cheating or stop it sooner. This is your partner's fault and they are the ones to blame for the hurt that you're feeling right now.
Don't let the feeling of betrayal ruin your self-esteem and make you deem yourself unworthy as you are worthy of so much and you didn't deserve this hurt.
5. Get over jealousy and negative responses.
You might be feeling terrible and very jealous over the person that your partner cheated on you with but know that even if that person is at fault, don't feel jealous and lash out because of your negative feelings. Let the dust settle and become calm first before using your anger and rage for something you don't intend on doing otherwise just because you're angry.
This also means not jumping to conclusions as that can be a negative response that you don't intend to do but do normally as you are confused and upset.
How to fix a relationship after cheating if you want to stay together:
1. Take care of yourself first.
Before you can rebuild the necessary trust that needs to be developed after your partner cheats on you, you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. You're dealing with trust-breaking heart-wrenching infidelity and those feelings are something that will go away fast, you need time to yourself and for your partner to work on themselves as well before anyone decides to get back together or stay together.
Practice self-love and self-care while you have this valuable space to yourself and if your partner really wants you back they will take the time and effort to learn that what they did was wrong.
And whatever you do, try and stay off social media and take a social cleanse for a week or so and if you need to and don't text your partner right away. Take a break away from contacting them or interacting with them on social media.
2. Focus on what you want.
Once you're healed and ready to decide what's going to happen next, try and focus on what you really want in the future.
Do you see yourself with your partner that cheated? Or are you ready to move on? If the answer is that you're not ready to let your partner go then you need to focus on ways that the two of you can rebuild trust.
Your partner needs to put a lot of work into this just as much as you are willing to. Make sure that if this is what you want and then be certain that it's also something your partner both wants and is willing to fight for and become a better person.
Focus on marriage-saving methods to save your relationship and know that it's possible for a relationship to heal from cheating.
3. Go to couples therapy.
Surprisingly some couples can and do thrive after trying to work out the problems in their relationship with a professional relationship therapist as there is no room for petty fighting and you're able to clearly and properly listen to each other's side of the story.
A trained therapist can help the two of you rebuild what you might have had or become even stronger and if it's something you and your partner equally care about then it's worth a try.
4. Accept that it will take some time.
Both you and your partner need to understand that it's going to take a lot of time to rebuild trust depending on how serious the cheating was and how long it was going on.
It doesn't matter how long the two of you were together, the healing process is going to take awhile. Even the longest relationship takes time to heal, especially if you have doubts there was cheating the whole time, as that can be very traumatizing.
5. Make an agreement with your partner.
Your partner needs to realize that if you need more time than them then that's something they cannot argue about. It's better to make an agreement with your partner on how much time you might need and let them know that if you do need even more time then you will tell them.
It's also best to make an agreement that while you're taking time away from them and healing, that they promise you and have an agreement that they will better themselves if they want to get back together with you and they will work hard to be a better person.
How long does it take to get over being cheated on?
The process of getting over the heartbreak of infidelity is different for everyone and will vary depending on your own relationship and grief process.
The important thing is not to rush it. Let yourself feel what you're feeling and don't skip any of the stages of grief so you can come out whole on the other side, whether you decide to stay in the relationship or not.
Christina Young is known as "The Healing Heart Coach" through her work as a surviving infidelity expert and relationship coach.