The Type Of Man Who Will Only Break Your Heart, According To A Relationship Expert
You don’t have to stop caring, but you can be happy.
C Technical | Canva Emotionally unavailable people arrive primed for pain. Some may even tell you they can't fall in love with you because of it.
They'll go to great lengths to avoid emotional pain in relationships and dating because they expect to be hurt in love. Through this expectation, they cause enough pain to keep themselves busy for a lifetime.
If you were dumped by an emotional person who said they couldn’t love anyone, how can you make them feel safe enough to fall in love? The short answer is nothing. You do absolutely nothing.
Here's why trying to love an emotionally broken person will only break your heart, according to a relationship expert:
1. They feel they haven’t earned love so they become disrespectful and distrustful towards you and start pulling away.
No matter what they do, they feel like a terrible person on the inside and, therefore, unworthy of love. If you try to love someone who feels unworthy of it, they’ll wonder what on earth is wrong with you.
They might feel temporarily flattered you admire their messy self, but unless they clean up their self-image they'll eventually decide the problem is you because you must be mistaken about their desirability and have awful taste.
They go to great lengths to make sure you eventually believe they are awful, too.
When you're in a relationship with someone like this, you can almost feel them thinking, "There must be a catch here somewhere," or, "This is so wonderful that I’m worried the other shoe is going to drop."
Then, maddeningly — despite what would lead to a happy life for all involved — your emotionally unavailable lover either pulls away, cheats, or does something awful like break up with you.
They might say something like, "I can't feel love" or "I'm just going to hurt you."
But, both are shorthand for: "If you see who I am — you’re going to leave me for certain because … again … underneath my outer shell, I’m unlovable and unworthy, so we might as well cut ties now."
2. They tell you they will emotionally devastate you, the person they say they want to love but can't.
In this emotional whiplash dance that only humans in love are capable of doing, these sentiments further encourage you to patiently accept whatever awful treatment they are dishing out because they must need more love to heal.
You reassure them of your feelings (because, as the Beatles put it, "All you need is love", right?!).
In the face of this kind of self-hatred, you may try to save your relationship by sticking around to provide them with consistent care and reassurance.
In actions and words, you essentially say, "Oh no, no, I do love you. I mean it. This relationship is different because I know I’m safe for you, and look how good we are together— why would you want to give up on us when we’re so good together?"
It makes logical sense, but sadly a sincere and kind approach to keeping any relationship alive by showing more love and reassurance to a broken shell of a loved one is ineffective.
From your perspective, you know how much you love them, trust yourself to be consistent, and want to hang out on a porch swing together when you’re both 97 years old.
3. Emotionally unavailable people don’t hear what you’re saying logically.
Especially when emotions around words that begin with "L" start running high.
When you reassure them of your love and express your reasonable pain over their hurtful and rejecting withdrawal (no shame here), they think, "See? I am toxic and unworthy. Look how much I’m hurting you. Plus, how could anyone love me when I’m acting like this? She’s not as good as I originally thought. This isn't safe for anyone. I had better cut this off now."
See how the disrespect twists over from themselves to you?
It’s the old Groucho Marx quote played out in real time: "I wouldn't want to be part of any club that would have me as a member."
They feel unlovable, and because you love them, your loving care eventually makes you look like a total fool to them.
This is why emotionally unavailable people pull away when you fall in love with them, why they do things to damage great relationships for “no reason,” and then cheat, abuse, and hurt loyal partners who truly do love them.
4. Emotionally unavailable people's self-hatred cannot be overcome with tender loving care from the outside.
When a bump in the road like this happens, emotionally healthy people usually think, "Oh, this is like me when I’m afraid and need reassurance. I’ll provide reassurance of how much I love them, and that will do the trick."
On the surface, "I can’t love" sounds like it’s curable, and with enough time and loving care from someone — maybe a truly good woman like you — they’ll eventually be able to get comfortable and trust you.
However, that process of change and healing those old wounds is not a superpower anyone on the outside possesses.
5. There is exactly one person who can change this.
The treatment they think they deserve right now is for you to agree they are awful and leave them in the dust since they haven't earned anything else. If you don’t mirror their reality while they walk out the door, they will only continue to systematically devalue you.
That’s why all love and care coming from you and any effort to fix the relationship has to stop. You can’t reassure them they are lovable or be the good woman who finally helps them change like in the movies.
6. Someone determined to sabotage your relationship will accomplish it without introspection, emotional work, and therapy.
Instead of taking responsibility for their “inability to feel love,” they've chosen the nuclear option to break up, which is a way for them to experience more self-pity and self-hatred.
Self-hatred breeds more self-hatred and causes them to separate emotionally from someone who has the genuine capacity to love and care about them.
That’s why you can’t and shouldn't do anything else to make an emotionally unavailable person fall in love except make yourself incredibly happy.
Unfortunately, right now, every second you plead, beg, and negotiate with them to save your relationship is simply another opportunity for them to devalue your feelings and see you as someone who doesn't think she deserves anything better. But this is not true.
Quite the opposite. You’re a woman in love, and there is not a thing in the world wrong with that. Being head-over-heels for someone is one of the sweetest and best parts of life.
They probably can’t say it clearly right now, So I will: Thank you for loving them deeply.
Remember, don’t call, text, write, or send them signals or missives by carrier pigeons. Do nothing if you want to fix your relationship. Let them do their thing while you make yourself as genuinely and ridiculously happy as humanly possible.
When you fall in love with an emotionally unavailable person, They can be supportive and reassuring at the beginning, which is awesome. Unfortunately, after a while stubborn self-loathing creeps back in, and they block your love and care.
Doing nothing may sound harsh, but it works when you want to fix your relationship with an emotionally unavailable person who is self-hating.
You don’t have to stop loving and caring for them. Just make yourself happy from a distance until they are ready to dig in and work on things between you.
Elizabeth Stone is a love coach and founder of Attract The One and Luxe Self. Her work has been featured in Zoosk, PopSugar, The Good Men Project, Bustle, Ravishly, SheKnows, Mind’s Journal, and more.