What It Really Means When Your Partner Watches Porn Behind Your Back
Is your relationship in trouble?
DavideAngelini / Shutterstock Sexually charged images aren't limited to adult films and websites — they're everywhere! From leaked celebrity photos to the latest celebrity sex tape, we are surrounded by many forms of pornography.
And on the internet, most of it is not only easily accessible, but it's also free. Yep, the unrealistic expectations are at no charge to you.
Not only that but we have evolved the sex work into a famous cult where there are porn stars and porn conventions.
It's no wonder, then, that there are hundreds of sites dedicated to ending porn usage addictions and warning of the dangers of this terrible addiction.
But does this mean that if your partner looks at porn that he has a problem? Does it mean that he doesn't love you or is being unfaithful?
Is there room for porn habits in your relationship?
Many couples say yes. Porn can be a great addition to a couple's sex life. Couples watch porn together to create a steamy and sensual mood. It happens, but only after there is clear communication with how porn makes each person feel.
There are also couples who decided to stop watching porn to focus on their own relationship and sex life. It all really depends on how each person in the relationship feels and how well they communicate those feelings.
Why does my boyfriend watch porn?
When you find out your boyfriend watches porn, you might feel like something is wrong with you or that something is missing in your relationship. You might begin to question your own attractiveness or your partner's level of attraction to you.
This discovery could affect your self-esteem and your sexual confidence. "Is he thinking about younger, prettier women? Is he being unfaithful to me?" you may ask.
Anger, despair, betrayal are only some of the many feelings that could be triggered by this situation. It is important to notice what emotions this brings up inside of you and to get to the root of what you're feeling.
But just because your boyfriend watches porn doesn't necessarily mean that he is suffering from porn addiction.
Men watch porn for several reasons, with the main reason being sexual stimulation.
One of the most important things for you to realize is the difference between the way men and women are stimulated.
With men, sexual stimulation can be a purely visual experience with no connection to the heart. In essence, it is a direct connection between the image and sexual arousal — neither his heart nor his imagination are required or necessarily engaged.
When women view porn, on the other hand, it usually requires a story (however slight) to ignite their desire for fantasy. Her imagination can become very involved and for a majority of women, igniting the fantasy is the goal!
We had a client who had discovered that her boyfriend was looking at porn and she really felt betrayed. She felt that his looking at porn was equal to him being unfaithful. She came to us because she was trying to reconcile her feelings. How could he love her and want to look at other women naked?
We worked with her to get the root of what was causing her distress. For her, it was her own insecurity.
Once we established that, we coached her on how to communicate with her boyfriend in a way that allowed her to take responsibility for her own feelings. Once in the conversation, she was able to create deeper intimacy with her boyfriend simply by expressing her emotions authentically. Moving forward together, this couple decided to sometimes include porn in their foreplay.
It allowed them to discuss parts of their sex life they had not yet communicated about; it added a "wow!" factor to their imagination and role-play, and ultimately made them a stronger couple by creating deeper intimacy.
If your desire is to have a true soul partnership, then no subject is "taboo" to discuss. When fear shows up within a partnership, walking through that paper tiger of fear and communication will create deeper intimacy every single time.
Here's what to do when your boyfriend looks at porn.
1. Don't put your head in the sand and ignore the issue.
Ignoring how you feel about the issue will only breed resentment. You cannot be in a committed relationship and not be able to express how you feel about what is going on in the relationship. That resentment will build up over time and could doom the relationship in real life.
2. Be sure to communicate your feelings to your partner without blame.
Porn can be a big deal in relationships if neither one communicates their feelings towards it.
It's important to know that attacking or blaming language will only shut him down.
3. Find out from your partner about what he likes about looking at porn.
Look to see what your partner's porn habits give him.
Maybe that can give you an idea about what, if anything, may be missing from your sexual relationship.
4. Know that what you're feeling is about you, not about your partner.
Just because your man is viewing porn doesn't mean that your relationship is over or even that you have a problem in your relationship. It is imperative to the health of your relationship to address your feelings with your man so that you are both on the same page, however.
Guys watching porn is not cheating, but that doesn't mean it won't make you feel insecure.
Porn can be addictive, and if you believe that there may be signs of a porn addiction instead of just "nothing," there are many great resources to help someone who may have this problem.
Orna and Matthew Walters are dating coaches and founders of Creating Love On Purpose with a holistic approach to transforming hidden blocks to love, and the authors of Getting It Right This Time.