Why Good Women Love Bad Boys
Sometimes, a bad boy is just the right fit but they come with a high price.
oleksandrbedenyuk | Canva Bad boys are men who act like delinquent teenagers. They lie, cheat, and refuse to take responsibility for their behavior. Instead, they blame others and soothe themselves with self-righteous hurt and anger. For bad boys, an intimate relationship is just another place to have control and get their way. Without the control, the relationship gets too "difficult," and they withdraw to look for the next victim.
Women who repeatedly find themselves abused in dead-end relationships are often reliving a familiar childhood script. Parents may have been the first persons incapable of loving them fully. This can set up a lifelong pattern of "looking for love in all the wrong places."
Why good women love bad boys — and ways to stop the toxic attraction:
1. Find something you like to do and pursue it with passion
It could be photography, making jewelry, community theater, or volunteering at a local hospital or animal shelter. It doesn't matter what it is, do something just for yourself that has meaning for you. This will keep up your individuality and independence and be a hedge against falling into a smothering, codependent relationship.
2. Do not idealize him or the relationship
It's fine to acknowledge the good qualities and good times as long as you are willing to stare point-blank at the bad qualities and bad times. Sometimes the truth does hurt, and you'll shy away from seeing it because it will lead to difficult choices. Idealizing is a sure formula for future pain as shown by a 2011 study about idealization and disillusion in intimate relationships. The truth might well set you free, but you'll find out you can survive and be better for it.
3. Keep your good friends close and confide in them
Ask friends you trust what they see going on in your relationship. You will need an alternative point of view because bad boys are so convincing they can distort your perception through emoaitnal manipulation, which is outlined by 2023 research on predictors of willingnesss to manipulate romantic partners. Doubting yourself is common when you are consistently diminished. Trust your intuition and instincts. When something doesn't feel right, pay attention to it.
4. Don't say yes when you mean no
This is how you give away your self-worth and integrity as demonstrated by research from 2022 on anxious attachent . These are precious jewels no partner should threaten or diminish. Ask for what you need. Don't settle for crumbs. If your needs are not as important as his and you go along with it, you are building your prison.
5. Give up and get out
When the signs are clear that you are in a dead-end abusive relationship, get out. Do not make excuses. Do not waste more time trying to get blood from a stone. You are not damaged goods.
Focus on present realities rather than dramatizing how bad things will be in the future. Rally friends and family, make an exit plan, and follow it step by step.
n_defender via Shutterstock
Evelyn and Paul Moschetta are marriage counselors, therapists, and workshop leaders who have written many books dealing with marriage including The Marriage Spirit.