How Parents Who Hate Each Other Can Peacefully Co-Parent Together
Bringing children into the world doesn’t ensure parents know how to parent — but anyone can learn.
Binyamin Mellish, pixelshot | Canva You'd think two adults could figure out how to handle co-parenting after a divorce. It sounds like a no-brainer, a "mature" thing to expect from divorced parents who would naturally put their children above their feelings.
But, if life followed the ideal, couples would walk down the aisle once and for good, and co-parenting wouldn’t have to exist.
11 rules for peacefully co-parenting when parents hate each other
1. Remember there are no guarantees in adulting
We all know that being an adult doesn’t guarantee wisdom, discretion, or even maturity. Bringing children into the world doesn’t ensure parents know how to parent or have the necessary parenting skills to raise good kids.
It certainly doesn’t guarantee they will know how to handle co-parenting after a divorce, especially when parents hate each other.
2. Understand the history
Once upon a time, children of divorce were awarded to their fathers because women couldn’t own property. (Yes, children were considered property.)
Fast forward to the Industrial Revolution and into the mid-20th century, and that all changed.
Adult children of divorce can easily expound on the custody arrangements of the mid to late 1900s. They usually lived with one parent (usually the mother) and saw the other parent only every other weekend.
3. Realize co-parenting is new
The concept of co-parenting is still relatively new and, like every other model of post-divorce parenting, has its issues.
One of the obvious challenges is how to handle co-parenting when one ex hates the other. The risk, of course, is that the hatred will pass through the children. Or, at the very least, affect their well-being.
To gain perspective on co-parenting when there is an undercurrent of hatred, it’s important to understand healthy co-parenting.
4. Have requirements for co-parenting
Have clear boundaries, have open dialogue between parents, use consistency in rules and parenting styles in both homes, exercise flexibility, and have absolutely zero tolerance for any disrespectful talk about the other parent, whether in front of or apart from the children.
When co-parenting is seen through this lens, it’s easy to see how parents wouldn’t know how to handle co-parenting with hatred on board. After all, something as basic as having an open dialogue with or not bad-mouthing an ex can go against what feels instinctive.
Co-parenting requires some extra forethought and strategizing when you are on the receiving end of an ex’s hostility,
But, if both of you can agree on one non-negotiable — that the kids come first — you can make co-parenting look seamless, even if you have different parenting styles. And, more importantly, you can ensure a healthy, happy upbringing for your children.
Some situations rely on common sense and mature communication skills, some will open you to the advantages of current trends, and technology can set everyone up to succeed without forcing incompatible exes into uncomfortable scenarios.
5. Remember your non-negotiable: the kids
All of your co-parenting efforts should revolve around this commitment. Your association with your ex no longer has anything to do with your marriage. It is now only about how to handle co-parenting. If you are going to maintain a parenting arrangement, you both have to rise above your personal feelings and old hurts.
Co-parenting is a generous arrangement for all involved. And if done healthily, it optimizes a child’s chances of living a happy, well-adjusted life. It also makes life easier (and more comfortable) for everyone in the child’s life.
6. Set boundaries
It’s to be expected that negative feelings like anger, resentment, and even hatred don’t disappear when the divorce decree is signed. So, if your ex hates you, don’t let the hostility stop you from asserting healthy co-parenting practices for your children.
Until the iciness from your ex melts a bit, you will have to rely on clear boundaries to minimize your contact. Having boundaries will help you feel more secure in your co-parenting arrangement.
You won’t feel so threatened or fearful of unexpected power plays by your ex. And you won’t have to guess how to communicate with someone who hates you.
7. Get organized and document everything
It’s difficult enough to keep track of kids’ schedules when everyone lives in the same house. But when there are two homes and two ways of doing things, being organized is essential.
Consider using online communication tools to help you and your ex be great co-parents without spending much time in direct contact.
Using a custody calendar will ensure everyone, including the kids, knows what, where, and when. And using a digital expense tracker can make sharing expense information easy — and always documented.
If you have a hostile relationship, you must document any agreement violations. As much as we would all like to believe that divorced adults would know how to handle co-parenting, problems sometimes arise.
Having documentation can make for quick resolution of problems, especially if the courts become involved.
8. Change your expectations
You shouldn’t lower your standards for the care of your children.
Be realistic in your expectations of the person you were once married to. And don’t expect more of your ex than you did when you were married.
9. Use a third party for transfers if necessary
If you and your ex can’t live up to an amicable exchange of the kids, it may be best to have a trusted third party transfer them.
You can even choose a neutral site to avoid uncomfortable feelings or the temptation to launch into an argument.
10. Don’t bad-mouth your ex in front of your kids
And don’t allow your kids to speak disparagingly of their other parent in front of you.
Taking the high road may feel impossible if you have an ex who hates you and lets you know it. But remember your focus — the kids.
11. Think like your children
Your relationship with your ex is not your children’s relationship with their other parent. Except in rare cases, the parent-child relationship is forever, even if the parent-parent relationship ends.
You may not be able to stand the thought of your ex but remember that your kids each reflect the qualities of both their parents. They are entitled to a relationship with both of them.
So, separate yourself from your children’s relationship with their other parent.
Co-parenting is about making it safe and easy for your children to have a relationship with both parents.
Children will do anything to make sure they have access to them. It is a form of having access and connection to themselves.
Parenting is tough enough when everything is seemingly perfect. It’s especially difficult when done across divided homes.
Co-parenting may have as many rules and pragmatic considerations as it does benefits. But, if two adults can rise above themselves, they can model the best when it comes to relationship and social skills for their children.
And they don’t even have to see or talk to one another to do it.
Dr. Karen Finn is a divorce and life coach. Her writing on marriage, divorce, and co-parenting has appeared on MSN, Yahoo! & eHarmony among others.