7 Toxic Relationship Mindsets That Keep You Single And Sad

If you've been searching for "the one" but haven't had any luck, ask yourself this important question: Are love-blocking beliefs stopping you from love? When you ask yourself "Why am I single?" constantly, there has to be a reason you haven't found someone yet, right? Are you carrying around fear-based beliefs from your childhood or early relationship experiences? Sometimes, these issues are so deeply embedded in us, that we're not even aware that these love-blockers are lurking in our subconscious. The first step to moving past these old, limiting viewpoints is to recognize that they are there. So take a deep breath, and notice if any of these common love-blocking beliefs sound familiar to you. Only then can you learn how to find love.

Here are 7 toxic relationship mindsets that keep you single and sad:

1. "I'm not good enough"

Probably the most common belief that stops us in our tracks, both in our love lives and in other areas of life is: I'm not good enough. (As in, "I'm not good enough to find love the way I am. If only I were better, I might find love.") Variations on this theme include "I'm not young enough (As in, "How will I ever find a partner at my age?!"), I'm not attractive enough (As in, "Men only like women who look like models."), I'm not rich enough (As in, "People only want to date someone who has money.") or I'm not smart enough ("I need to be witty and wise on dates or I'll never have a second date.").

Does any of this sound familiar to you? The belief is that "I'm not okay the way I am, and I should be different." When you believe you're not okay the way you are, you'll tend to beat yourself up, push yourself to be different, and feel discouraged and unhappy. You'll repel nourishing love away because healthy people want to be around others who feel comfortable and content with themselves, not those who believe they're not good enough.

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2. "I'm willing to settle"

Another common limiting belief is "I can't have what I want, so I should just settle for what I can get." This is a hugely common belief; many of us give up and feel resigned to our lot in life without making an effort to get what we really want. If you buy into the belief that you can't have your heart's desire when it comes to love, you'll probably accept whatever relationships show up, and stay with people who are not good matches for you. You may spend years, even decades, feeling disappointed with your love life and wishing things were different. When you think you have to settle for what you can get, you’ll probably be afraid to take risks and try something new. When you believe you can’t have what you really want, it may feel too painful to even stop to ask what you do want. Without a clear vision, you’ll find it very challenging to manifest your dreams.

3. "Relationships are dangerous and potentially harmful"

If you've made it to adulthood, you've probably experienced hurt, disappointment, or rejection. This block to love happens when you're convinced that you'll be hurt, disappointed, or rejected again and that you won't be able to handle it. You may be "getting out there" in the dating world, but if you secretly believe relationships are dangerous and scary, you'll avoid getting close enough to anyone to let love in. You may decide to play it safe and avoid dating and relationships altogether, convincing yourself that you prefer the company of your cat and Ben and Jerry. 

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4. "Relationships take care of themselves and don't need my attention"

If you believe your relationships will magically take care of themselves, you won't make them a priority in your life. Rather than nurture connections with loved ones, you'll focus your attention on things that seem more important, like work, money, or hobbies. You may spend a lot more time looking at your phone, computer, and TV screens than looking into the eyes of your partner or children. If you're single, you may not bother to put energy into finding a partner or staying connected with friends and family. What happens when you're too busy to pay much attention to how you relate with the people in your life?

5. "It's not safe to tell people how I feel or what I want"

We think this because we're afraid to get hurt or be disliked. If you believe this, you'll be very careful about what you say and how you act — and you may be so cautious that you don't even let people you're dating know that you want a relationship. When you're strategic instead of authentic, your relationships with others will suffer. What happens when you keep secrets, withhold information, or play games instead of just sharing what’s true for you? You lose intimacy and trust and you don't get your needs met, and the other person feels confused and disconnected from you. Not a good recipe for true love! 

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6. "Others are to blame for my problems"

If only you were different, I could be happy. If you changed, my problems would go away. When you blame others for your problems, you keep yourself stuck in victim mode. By not taking responsibility for your part in creating the drama or discomfort you are experiencing, you are essentially handing over your power. If you're quick to blame someone else for what's wrong in your life, you probably feel helpless to change whatever's wrong. When we blame, we make the other person wrong and we make ourselves right, and it's a surefire way to destroy intimacy and empathy in your relationship.

7. "Relationships should just happen spontaneously"

You may feel that you should know everything you need to know about relationships without asking. Now, if you've ever tried to learn a new sport, a foreign language, or a musical instrument, you understand the value of education and practice. However, when it comes to relationships, most people hold the belief that true love should just show up when you're least expecting it, and there’s nothing you can do to prepare for the love you want. Might there be another way?

Each of these detrimental beliefs can block you from finding and connecting to the love you truly deserve. Don't stay stuck with limiting beliefs that keep you unhappy, separate, and disconnected from others. So, how can you change your attitude, refocus your efforts, and understand how to find love? First, you need to be aware of your beliefs to change them. Start by noticing all the assumptions you make automatically about yourself and others, and recognize that this pattern of subconscious thinking causes you harm — and keeps you lonely. Stop and question the impeding beliefs you've instinctively assumed were true. What's possible when you let go of the love blockers? Everything your heart desires.

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Dr. Wendy Lyon is a psychologist, master-certified relationship coach, and best-selling author. She has helped hundreds of singles and couples transform their lives and create loving relationships.