Why Monogamy Means Having Sex Even When You Don't Want To

If you're in a monogamous relationship, I don't believe that you have the right to refuse your partner sex simply because you aren't in the mood. I know this isn't a popular belief. Lots of people — especially other women — argue with me about this frequently.

"But that doesn't make any sense," they say. "This is my body, and I get to decide what to do with it." While that is true, in principal, it's also true that when you commit to a monogamous relationship, that statement is no longer true for you.

For instance, if you want your body to have sex with that hot guy that you just met at the coffee shop, but you want to maintain your monogamous relationship, then you don't really have a decision to make.

Your previous commitment has already made that decision for you. Your body, in a sexual sense, now belongs only to your partner and to yourself. If you respect your relationship and your own agreements, then you no longer get to decide what to do with your body in that case.

You can't have it both ways. Either you and your partner really do give each other the freedom to do whatever you want with your own bodies, or you don't. If you don't, then there's no way around it: it changes the power dynamic. You no longer have complete control over what you can and can't do with your body, and neither does your partner.

Getting to decide what to do with your own body in every respect is now no longer part of your existence. What happens with your body is now partly decided by someone else.

And having handed over the sexual part of your existence to one other person on the planet, and having received that in return from them, what is the appropriate etiquette?

Do you use that control over them to play power games and make them miserable, sexually frustrated, and resentful? Or do you own that power, that gift they have given you, and use it wisely to express your love for them and your commitment to making a great relationship with them?

If you want a long and happy relationship, or even a short and happy relationship, make the second choice. Unless you have a REALLY compelling reason to avoid sex with your partner, then don't avoid it, ever.

You're the only person on the planet that your partner can have sex with. Don't make them regret that choice. Find a way to at least get yourself in the mood to please your partner by welcoming them into your space physically and emotionally.

If this is difficult for you, there might deeper problems with your relationship or with your moods. You may be depressed, or you may need to change your perspective on your relationship or get out of it. If your partner has become really disgusting to you for some reason, then you need to be honest with them about that — kindly, but honestly.

If that problem can't be resolved, then either that relationship or monogamy might not be the best choice for either of you any longer.

But whatever you do, don't become your partner's jailor. Don't reconcile them to a celibate life because you're fine with that for yourself. That's just selfish, but, unfortunately, common.

No wonder there's so much cheating, breaking up, and resentment inside of relationships. Change just that one thing about yours and see what happens. The worst thing that could happen is that you will be having more sex.

And if that's actually a bad thing to you, then why are you in a sexually monogamous relationship to begin with?