Can Self-Love Make You Sexier? You Bet!

Is confidence in a woman sexy? To a confident man it is. It's a wonderful aphrodisiac. A secure woman radiates inner strength and independence — qualities that successful men find appealing, especially when combined with femininity. As a general rule, women love men who have confidence blended with humility and men love women who have confidence blended with femininity.

"The real secret to total gorgeousness is to believe in yourself, have self confidence and try to be secure in your decisions and thoughts," says Kirsten Dunst, the German-American actress best known for her role in the Spider Man trilogy.

You see it all the time: that average-looking person at a dinner party, holding the conversation and chatting up the sexy, hot guys or girls. What makes this person so immediately attractive? Self confidence is at the core. Both men and women find it alluring (and sexy).

Why is self confidence so attractive? When you're confident, you possess three ingredients that attract people to you: the art of great conversation, the feeling of being important and in control, and a focus on other people. When you talk openly and honestly with sensitivity, you immediately become a magnetic, sexy force. Confident women who hold the attention of an entire auditorium aren't necessarily the prettiest or smartest women. They're the ones with the most inner strength.

The good news is that there's a simple step-by-step approach to developing your self esteem. This confidence-building technique has helped countless numbers of my clients. It's been successful with elite athletes, high school kids, business executives — almost everyone who has completed it. If you take these steps precisely as recommended, you should start to notice a difference within the first 10 days.

Step 1: Remember a time you were confident. It can be from your childhood, your teenage years or even your adult life. It can concern academics, a social activity, a game, athletics, a hobby — anything that made you feel good. It doesn't matter what you were doing; just that you were confident doing it.

Step 2: Record a confident memory in a diary or journal. Include details of the situation, such as how you thought, acted and felt. Write as much detail as possible about how you experienced that confidence. Continue until you re-experience the feeling, even if it's just a tiny bit. Some of you will feel the rush from back then, while others may only tap into it a little. As long as you bring back some of that feeling of confidence, you stimulate that part of your brain that knows how to be confident. The more you do so, the bigger and stronger your confidence neural network in your brain becomes.

Neuroscience shows that we have "neurogenesis," which means we can form new neurons in our brains and "neuroplasticity." This means we can change how the neurons connect, thus creating new thinking and emotional patterns. Re-experiencing a confident memory strengthens the confident neural networks of your brain.

Step 3: Remember and record a new confidence memory as you did in steps one and two. You now have two recorded memories to pull strength from.

Step 4: Reread and re-experience your first memory until you can bring back the feeling of confidence.

Step 5: Repeat the first two steps with a new memory each day.

Step 6: Reread and re-experience all the confidence memories you previously recorded. Bring back the feeling of confidence with each one. Every time you stimulate your confidence neural network with a confidence memory, it gets stronger. It's like going to the gym and strengthening a muscle. The more you exercise that muscle, the bigger and stronger it becomes. Here, you're enlarging and strengthening the confidence neural network in your brain!

Additional Directions:

1. Commit to building either a general confidence or a specific confidence. If you choose general confidence, use as many diverse memories as possible in your journaling. If you choose to build a specific confidence (e.g.: speaking to groups, selling, standing up for yourself, etc.), choose the most specific memories you can. For instance, if you want to express your opinion with more confidence, remember the times you've done so. It's easy to exclude times that weren't challenging, but they're important as well.

2. Understand that the length of your commitment is key. 10, 20, 30 days... the more, the better. Start with 10 to prove to yourself how powerful this confidence building technique is.

3. Ask any questions in the comments below. I'll read them and respond to queries.

Commit to this process and you'll be more confident — and alluring! — in no time at all. Remember, confidence is sexy and now is a great time to turn up your sex appeal.

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