What You Can Do When Your Child's ADHD And Defiance Makes You Want To Yell
Frustrated with opposition from your child or teen with ADHD?
YAKOBCHUK VIACHESLAV / Shutterstock ADHD and defiance can be a tricky combination.
There are so many facets to kids with ADHD. Yes, they are creative, passionate, and smart. Yes, they can also be distractible, energetic, impulsive, intense, and strong-willed.
And yes, going back to school amidst the surge of Covid-19 is making things that were previously challenging harder in many ways and adding new hurdles.
But, when your child or teen is angry and they push back at you defiantly, situations deteriorate quickly. You're probably dealing with these moments more now than ever before.
With all of the frustration, disappointment, and isolation children and teens are feeling these days, it’s even harder to self-regulate.
Your son or daughter may fly off the handle, disrespect you verbally, and refuse to listen to what you have to say.
When ADHD and defiance mix, what are your options in these volatile times, as a parent?
Other than yelling, taking things away, or banishing them from your sight, how can you maintain stability in your parent-child relationship and in your home?
Nobody really likes meltdowns, explosions, and arguments, regardless of how defensive or nonchalant your child or teen may seem.
Kids with ADHD have told me repeatedly that they feel bad about themselves after these outbursts and many parents also regret what they’ve said or done.
But, in moments of high emotion, people naturally stop listening and quickly move into fight or flight mode. Whether or not you have ADHD, you’re not listening, you’re reacting: rationality has flown out of the window.
Instead of being surprised every time there’s defiance, explosive anger, or disrespectful behavior, it’s more useful to expect that these will occur and rely on a strategy for when they do.
It’s the resistance and the combativeness that wears families down.
My PAUSE program — Plan to Accept Understand Set Limits and Encourage — lays the foundation for making different choices and fostering stability in your home.
Here are 5 steps to take when your child's ADHD and defiance make you want to yell.
1. Plan
You’ve got to focus on making a plan to cope with the pattern of anger for yourself and your child rather than deal with its changing content. Otherwise, you’ll be playing Whack-A-Mole.
In a quiet moment, make a list of what you can easily do to stay grounded. If you are dysregulated, you won’t be able to respond effectively and help your youngster calm down.
Whether it’s going to the bathroom to collect yourself for a few minutes, getting a glass of water, or opening a window, break up the action in a non-threatening way.
This re-centering needs to be your first, reflexive step to slow down the fast-paced action.
Once you’ve clarified this for yourself, sit with your son or daughter and ask them what helps them regroup and how much time they need for this. Write down their options and post the list in their room or in the kitchen.
2. Accept
Stop trying to convince your child or teen of anything. Rather, accept where you both are in a given moment. Remember, their listening stopped when they became activated and they want to be seen and heard by you.
Acknowledge what they are saying with reflective listening.
"I heard you say this, is that right?"
When they feel that you're paying attention instead of correcting them for cursing at you or justifying why you called the school about their F in English, they will start to settle. It may be tense and uncomfortable but you can do this.
You’ve probably handled a lot of other unpleasant situations.
3. Understand
As tough as it can be, empathy is what’s called for when kids, especially those with ADHD, are distressed.
Their feelings have overwhelmed their thinking brains and their weaker executive functioning skills simply cannot manage their heightened emotions. They are acting out because they lack the resources to do anything different in those moments.
Neurodiverse kids need caring adults to dig deep and find some compassion rather than exploding about how they should get their act together.
When a child is resistant, oppositional, and intransigent, many parents feel desperate to regain authority and establish stability by taking things away from their kids.
While punishments may offer short-term relief, they don’t bring long-term success. Avoid saying things like, "I’m taking away your phone for 3 days. You can’t talk to me that way."
Turn it around and say, "You have not earned the privilege of using your phone with that language. When you can go for 3 days without cursing, you’ll get it back. That’s the agreement we have."
Relying on appropriate incentives is what shifts negativity to cooperation.
4. Set limits
The goal is to teach kids with ADHD the executive functioning skills they need for self-regulation, social behavior, and productivity.
It’s a natural part of living to become angry, to want to get your own way, and to avoid disappointment, but it’s not okay to be aggressive about these things.
Punishment doesn’t teach any lasting skills and rules by fear. You want your kids to be motivated to make other choices. Logical consequences, on the other hand, allow you to set limits and use meaningful incentives as motivators.
You place "have-to’s" before "want-to’s." The trick is staying steady in the face of your child or teen’s displeasure and following through.
Limits are meaningless if they are not consistently followed. In a family meeting or a quiet moment, make collaborative agreements about actions and words that are unwelcome.
5. Encourage
Once the storm has passed, focus on the present moment. What needs to happen, now, is to move beyond its wreckage. This is not a time to teach any lessons.
The situation is still too raw for your child or teen and such a conversation may trigger the outburst all over again. You may want to address your underlying concerns and let them know how they have messed up.
Will this serve them to learn the skills they need and strengthen your relationship? They need encouragement rather than blame at this moment. Talk about the next move to get on with things instead.
Later that day, or sometime tomorrow, think about the takeaways from what happened.
Was there anything each of you regretted? How would you like to deal with that type of behavior in the future? This opens the conversation, explores options, and fosters collaborative engagement.
Be patient with yourself and your family as you incorporate this model into your daily lives. Everybody has a shorter fuse with all of the added stress in the world right now so it may take longer to get this going.
That’s okay. Just take things one step at a time.
Sharon Saline, Psy.D., is an international lecturer and workshop facilitator and has focused her work on ADHD, anxiety, learning differences, and mental health challenges and their impact on school and family dynamics for over 30 years. For more information, visit her website.