To Meet A Loving Man, You Must Believe This One Truism
Don't let fear stop you from finding your future husband.
Charry Jin | Canva While observing flirting practice during one of my classes at the Boston Center for Adult Education, I noticed one of my students shrink into herself, fold her arms over her chest, and start to shake. Since flirting requires an open, friendly, and welcoming attitude, I wondered about her behavior. "I guess that's what practice is for," I thought to myself. Still, I couldn't help but wonder what unconscious belief was causing this behavior. She seemed to be acting as if she believed that men were frightening or dangerous.
Over the years I have become adept at identifying the unconscious beliefs that interfere with people getting the results they want, but until that day, I never considered the flip side. What unconscious beliefs did I have that worked for me in my relationships with men? I realized that I believed that "men are loving." It started with my father who dearly loves all his children and the members of his extended family — he still tells me he loves me every day. Not surprisingly, over the years, I have always attracted men who were loving, helpful, and there to take care of me when I needed them.
For example, in my early 20s, I visited Eilat, Israel. Two Yemenite men walked out of the cardboard house slums in the dunes, surrounded me, and... bought me lunch with all the change they had in their pockets. In my mid-20s, I broke my elbow, and a man I had met just a week earlier moved in with me for the week, grocery shopped and cooked for me, kept me company in the evenings, and drove me to my parent's house when they got back from vacation. In my 30s, I met a man in a park who kept house with me for six months while I started my postdoctoral training and recovered from burnout. Most significantly, there have always been innumerable teachers and mentors (women as well as men), and my wonderful husband has supported my growth and success at every stage of my life.
Even the three men I met who initially acted unloving eventually apologized and insisted on making it up to me. With all this in mind, I started testing for these beliefs in all my female clients with relationship issues. Not surprisingly, most unmarried and divorced women I worked with believed that men are dangerous (or some variation of that), even if it was on a subconscious level — they did not believe that men are loving at all. Women in unsatisfying relationships had both beliefs. Now that I know what to look for, I'm sure I'll find similar beliefs in my male clients when it comes to how they view women. Fortunately, with treatment, this negative belief can be cleared and the positive belief installed in just a few sessions. I'm excited about helping a lot more of my clients create happy marriages and supportive relationships.
Dr. Judith Swack is a biochemist/immunologist, teacher, and healer. She has published and been cited in professional journals and speaks regularly at international conferences.