Female Arousal: How To Not Get Preoccupied During Sex

Life has become impossibly busy for most of us. For many women, life is full of distractions and worries, which can create sexual frustrations, which in turn can create sexual avoidance or kill desire. Does this sound like you? If so, I have a technique for you, taken from my book SexTalk (2002). It's called Taking the Great Dane for a Walk.

Here is what you need to know about male and female sexuality. Men and women are different sexually in some very important ways. One of them is that once aroused, men have what is called "the point of ejaculatory inevitability." That means that at a certain point in a man's arousal, he will be able to orgasm, pretty much no matter what else comes into his head. He could have a fleeting thought about his taxes being due, what a pain his boss is, his son needing lessons on how to drive a car, or his need for a fresh haircut, but these thoughts would not be enough to prevent him from ejaculating. This accounts for why more men than women consider sex to be "relaxing." No matter how stressed men are, once the point of ejaculatory inevitability is reached, their physical release is assured.

Women, on the other hand, are much more distractible. It sometimes can be more work for women than men to become aroused in the first place, and it is certainly more difficult for women to stay aroused. There is no point of inevitable orgasm for women. Instead, women can get distracted and lose their arousal at any point in the sexual encounter. Once arousal is lost, women need to start to build their arousal all over again, from the beginning. This takes a lot of energy. For many women, at this point, they'll just give up.

This is why I always encourage women to think of pursuing their own arousal and orgasm as if they were "taking a great dane for a walk." If orgasm is a woman's goal, she has to take control of her sexuality and her thoughts and not let her unconscious wander.

Just imagine that you are becoming very aroused, and then visualize stopping yourself from getting caught up in an extraneous thought-- for instance, about the details for a presentation you will be making the next day. You need to be talking sex to yourself--nothing else. You need to grab that great dane and yank it back on the path to sexual pleasure.

The great dane exercise is an exercise in self-awareness, communication, and self control. First, write down all of the things that you believe are bothering you enough to distract you during your sexual time with your partner. Secondly, before you into the sexual situation, briefly describe all your potential concerns and distractions to your partner. (Partners should listen sympathetically, but problems need not be solved at this point.) Thirdly, promise yourself that when distracting thoughts come up, you'll yank on your own chain and get that great dane right back on track.