7 Reasons It's Never Worth It To Seek Closure From A Sociopath
Sociopaths are incapable of understanding how you feel.
Dean Drobot | Canva Relationships with sociopaths are intense. They are intentionally intense — the sociopath demands your attention, showers you with affection, and proclaims everlasting love — quickly.
What's the rush? They want to hook you before you escape. All their moves are intentional. You, of course, don't know this. You believe that the sociopaths are in hot pursuit because they are smitten and can't live without you. The two of you are, as they swear, soul mates.
Then, either suddenly or slowly, the relationship is over. Huh? What happened? How could this person who painted a glistening picture of your future together just turn and walk away without looking back?
You want to understand what when wrong. You want closure. If the key symptoms of a sociopath accurately describe your partner, don't bother going after closure.
Here are seven reasons not to seek closure from a sociopath:
1. The intensity you saw wasn't love — it was the pursuit of a prize
When sociopaths want something, they hyperfocus — they focus intently on what interests them. When your relationship started, that was you. You were the prize. Once the sociopath won you — well, there was nothing to pursue anymore.
2. Sociopaths will never feel your pain
Liza Summer / Pexels
You were in love. Now that the relationship is over, you are heartbroken. Despite what the sociopaths said, they were never in love. Why? Because they are incapable of love. They do not feel the pull of love the way you do. So they will never be heartbroken, and cannot share your pain. While a sociopath might "love" what you do for them, they will never love you the way you love them, one study confirms.
3. Sociopaths don't care how you feel
Sociopaths do not feel empathy. They will certainly take advantage of your empathy, but they do not experience it. They view empathy as a weakness, as a stupid emotion that makes you vulnerable. And from their point of view, the only thing to do with vulnerability is to take advantage of it.
4. Sociopaths do not feel remorse
Sociopaths do not experience regret. They never feel sorry for anything they've done. Oh, they may be sorry when they're busted, but they don't regret their actions, only that they got caught.
5. Sociopaths will never apologize
You may want the sociopaths to apologize for all the pain they caused you. But a true apology requires the offenders to recognize the pain they caused — impossible for a sociopath (see above). Now, sociopaths may indeed say the words, "I'm sorry," but this is just a tactic to continue manipulating you.
Don't fall for it. Sociopaths don't care that they hurt you, and given the chance, they will continue to do so, according to one 2017 study from The British Psychological Study.
6. Sociopaths feed on your emotional responses
Sociopaths love being puppet masters, pulling strings, and watching other people dance. They especially like getting people to cry, plead, or explode — the more visceral your response, the more satisfaction they derive from it. Don't feed the beast.
Alena Darmel / Pexels
7. Seeking closure gives sociopaths an opportunity to hoover you
You may know that the relationship is bad for you, but still have difficulty staying away. Many people have met with or talked to a sociopath to end it — only to find themself "hoovered," or sucked back in, like a vacuum cleaner.
No Contact is the way forward. Seeking closure keeps you engaged with the sociopath — and it's useless. They will never understand how they've hurt you. They'll never apologize.
So don't wait for the sociopath to end it — you end it. You decide that you will no longer subject yourself to insensitivity, disrespect, cheating, abuse — whatever the sociopath is doing. Make the decision that it's over, and stick with it.
The best way to achieve closure is to give it to yourself.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong.
If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Donna Andersen is a writer and author who offers advice on escape and recovery from sociopaths, psychopaths, or narcissists. She has appeared on TV shows like ABC 20/20 and The Ricki Lake Show, as well as in digital and print media publications like Psychology Today, Marie Claire, Thought Catalog, and Daily Mail.