10 Signs Of Major Disconnection During Sex
How to be more present in your most intimate moments.
Tais Bernabé, IVASHstudio | Canva This is a common experience for 99.9 percent of the women I know and one which you may be able to relate to. The kissing is hot, the passion juices are flowing, and everything is green light, but when your partner starts touching you down there, everything goes a little numb. It’s as if the rest of your body is vibrant and alive with stereo sound and the sensation in down there is sort of… muted. Or, you are experiencing pleasure, pleasure, pleasure, and then…oops! Oh god, I lost it! Oh, where did it go? Now I’m taking too long. Maybe if he/she just went a little harder/softer/sideways, etc.
And now you’re lost in your head, trying vainly to recapture those sweet moments of bliss you were just starting to get a glimpse of. Disconnecting from our pleasure and desire during the intimate experience is very, very, common for women. Most likely every woman will experience varying degrees of presence during intimacy at various times throughout each encounter. But knowing that doesn’t make it any more fun when it happens. So the question is — why is it happening and what can you do?
Here are 10 signs of major disconnection during sex:
1. You are having trouble focusing and getting "out of your head"
2. You are distracted by the recurrent thoughts of what would feel better but are unable to communicate it verbally
3 You are worrying
(i.e. am I taking too long, is my partner getting bored, are my thighs too fat?)
4. You are trying to climax, straining, and trying to perform
5. You are feeling emotionally unsafe or uncertain
6. You are afraid to feel the pleasure because it might be over too soon
7. You feel uncomfortable with your body, and the way it looks, smells, and sounds
8. You feel guilty or shameful about intimate pleasure
(i.e. good girls don’t like/want/enjoy it.)
9. You were abused or violated in your past
10. You experienced a deep heartbreak, painful break-up, or serious let-down from a past relationship
One of these issues is enough to make your pleasure train derail, but the fact of the matter is often there are a few of these "sensual saboteurs" going on simultaneously.
So what’s a girl to do? Well, the typical answer is to encourage people to "be more present" during the act. Which I find unhelpful given that we spend 90 percent or more of our waking time lost in thought, thinking of what’s next on our "to-do" list, being driven by unconscious thoughts and desires, and yet somehow we expect ourselves to just magically know how to get and stay present during intimacy. But I ask you, if you’re unable to be present in another area of your life, how could you expect to be instantly present for intimacy?
If you want to be more present and connected to your body during intimacy, I invite you to practice being present and connected to your body, in every other moment of your life. This is a great thing to say, but how do you do it? The quickest, fastest route for getting present in your body and out of your head is by focusing on your breath. Wherever you are, at any moment, simply notice your breathing pattern.
First notice if you are taking short, shallow rabbit breaths, (which is a symptom of a fight or flight response) or are you taking nice full belly breaths. Most likely if you are lost in thoughts and worry about the past or future, you are in a "fight or flight" response. Next, take a few nice deep conscious breaths, and feel your body. Feel your lungs and belly expand with air, and feel your ribcage lift and open to allow in more life essence. Feel the slow, sweet process of life happening within you.
Then notice how your body feels. Are there any areas of tension or stress? Take a few moments to consciously breathe into any areas of physical, emotional, or energetic tension. Bring your conscious awareness and your breath to these areas and relax. I invite you to do this exercise for 5-10 minutes, several times during your day. Some people call this meditation, or you can simply think of it as "body awareness." After practicing being present for a while outside of your experience, I invite you to do the same practice of self-awareness during your intimate experience.
Become aware of your breathing pattern during intimate pleasure and consciously practice taking deep full breaths. Instead of following thoughts in your head, follow the sensations in your body and when they run into little obstacles, (or "blocks to bliss") breathe into those areas of tension and dullness and practice relaxing, softening, and letting go. You may find a whole new depth of pleasure, connection, and joy in your intimate experiences and a profound intimacy with yourself and your significant other.
Devin Ward is a certified tantric healer, meditation instructor, and Reiki practitioner. She is the founder of the first and only government-accredited school for tantric intimate healing in the world.