5 Simple Ways To Start Having More Sex In Your Marriage
The easiest way to add intimacy back.
Jacob Lund | Canva You used to have the hottest married love life. Quickies before work. Long, luxurious, gourmet intimacy on Sunday mornings. Sometimes, things get so hot and heavy that you’ve even been together in a bathroom at a party or bar. You never imagined you'd need to learn how to increase your libido (aka drive) in order to save your marriage. What the heck happened?! If you're being honest, you can’t quite recall the last time you and your husband were physical. Well, beyond an obligatory duty one a few months ago ... or was that last spring?
Being intimate was once a highlight of your marriage, but now it feels like you and your spouse are just roommates, instead of lovers. And, I get it. You have a lot on your plate and married life is busier than ever before. And neither of you is as young as you used to be either, so your drive is struggling and he struggles to get it up. But you also miss the easy intimacy that intimacy brings to your relationship. Something that, despite still loving each other, seems to be missing ... along with your libido. If you’re ready to reclaim that connection with your spouse, learn how to increase your drive, and get your love life back on track — no matter how long your dry spell has been and no matter how old you may be — you can get your love life back on track as a married couple.
Here are 5 ways to start having more sex in your marriage:
1. Go in for a checkup with your doctor.
When was the last time you went to the doctor for a check-up? Both of you need to have regular checkups to see if there are factors adding to your dry spell and low libido. Seemingly non-related health issues like high blood pressure, anxiety, and thyroid problems can affect your drive. When you visit your doctor, ask for a complete blood workup, as well. When we age, our hormones are changing, too.
As early as 30 years old, men’s level of testosterone can begin to decline. Women’s hormones can be more complicated, too, especially once menopause approaches, yet you need a good balance of estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone to keep feeling your best. And don’t forget your dental health. The British Dental Health Foundation reports that 4 out of 5 men with severe erectile dysfunction also had gum disease. A myriad of health issues, both big and small, could affect your drive and you need to be aware.
2. Go to bed at the same time.
Sometimes, a lack of schedule mirroring can affect the connection in the bedroom and result in an intimacy-less marriage. Yes, staying up after he goes to bed to get a little quiet time to read or check Instagram is a very attractive idea. And maybe he's also staying up later than you to catch up on sports or his work e-mails. However, going to bed at the same time allows you to better connect your body rhythms — which sets the scene for more married intimacy.
What’s even better? Crawl into bed without clothes on. The body is filled with nerve endings, and a little cuddling and stroking each other can lead to increased arousal. Even if you don’t feel tired, crawling into bed together also invites a pillow talk. This is an opportunity to talk about the ups and downs of the day, which can provide an emotional or mental connection. This increases your intimacy, something that might be lost in the busyness of your individual schedules.
And, if you do both fall asleep quickly? Well, that’s good for your love life, too. A lack of sleep can be contributing to a lack of desire for one or both of you. Sleep deprivation contributes to higher stress levels in both men and women. And men need solid sleep to help regulate testosterone. Remember, in your monogamous relationship, this is the only person you sleep with (not counting the times the kids crawl into bed after a bad dream). Make the most of this sacred time together.
3. Get sweaty together.
Physical activity is important to your overall physical and mental health. But did you know that working out together with your partner can improve your relationship and love life? First, working out together gives you some quality time together, which a lack of can affect connection and desire. Exercise can also induce symptoms that mirror physical arousal: racing pulse, sweaty hands, and shortness of breath.
Also, all the benefits for your heart and muscles translate to better intimacy because the blood that flows to your heart also flows to your private areas. This increased blood flow especially helps men with ED problems. The Journal of Clinical Hypertension found men who exercised had better-quality erections than those who didn't. Last, but not least, exercise increases endorphins. The release of endorphins also helps ramp up your drive. So not only will working out together make you happier, but it will up your desire. Making getting sweaty together a priority can improve your individual health, stress levels, and your love life. It's a win-win!
4. Manage your stress levels.
Are you overwhelmed and burned out? Is your anxiety about finances at an all-time high? Worrying about your aging parents? Are you constantly stressed out or thinking about work? The number one complaint from women is that their stress levels are through the roof. And stress can zap your desire for intimacy more than almost everything else. This goes for both men and women. While you can’t rid your life of every single stressor, you can manage it better.
In addition to exercising in order to manage stress, take a hard look at your schedules. Cut out as much as you can to give yourself some breathing room. Or practice meditation, which helps reduce stress, as well. Last, but not least, commit to leaving work at the office. When you are in a demanding job, it can be hard to leave work behind once you get home. But when your work is keeping your anxiety levels in high gear all day, this subtracts your ability to throttle things up in the bedroom. Reducing your stress levels will help you in every area of your life. Why not let that parlay into more time getting busy between the sheets?
5. Get your head in the game.
The brain is the most powerful organ in your body. So, darling, if you want to have more intimacy, get your head in the game. Sometimes, the mere decision to have more (and better) intimacy simply requires you to decide to make your love life a priority. This means that you might need to schedule time on your calendar to have intimacy. Sure, it can seem unromantic at first. Yet, scheduling it helps you make intimacy as important as your morning meetings with clients and your kid’s soccer practice. Maybe you need to shift your thoughts. If your brain running a loop of negative thoughts — such as, "I hate my body. Intimacy is the last thing I have time for. I'm so exhausted and have no energy for it. All I can think about is work," — then, that’s the reality you are going to believe.
Change negative self-talk to more positive and powerful statements about yourself and your body. Think something like: "I miss intimacy and I'm going to have it tonight. Work is important, but not as important as my marriage. My husband loves me no matter what my body looks like. And I love my body, too. I can take advantage of more foreplay to get in the mood." Shifting your thoughts is a great technique for any situation. This also helps your love life.
Last, but not least, you need to be fully present. When you want to have intimacy, focus on everything about the experience. Turn off your cell. Send the kids to grandma’s or at least lock the door. When you’re distracted with life, you’re essentially checking out of the full enjoyment of it. Instead, focus on how your body feels. Be aware of the sensations and the way each other’s touches feel. And, if your thoughts wander, bring your attention back to the moment at hand. Really look at the curve of your partner’s hip, the way goosebumps rise on his arm, or the sighs of pleasure she makes when you stroke her back.
Darling, a dry spell doesn't need to mean that your love life will forever be non-existent. All relationships have ups and downs when it comes to intimacy. No matter what led to your dry spell, you can get past it and save your intimacy-less marriage. Your love life can even become a nourishing and satisfying part of your life. Don't expect to be intimate every day at first. Yet, do understand that the more intimacy you have, the more intimacy you'll want to have. That spark that was there, in the beginning, can be reignited. And the perfect person to explore those desires with is the person you most love and trust: your partner. Give yourself the gift of this shared intimacy and connection by not settling for an intimacy-less marriage. It will make your life as a whole feel more nourishing and fulfilling.
Debra Smouse is a life coach and author whose work has been published in TIME, Huffington Post, MSN, Psychology Today, and more.