If You’re Struggling To Love Yourself, Stop Asking These 3 Questions
You're the one holding yourself back.
Delmaine Donson | Canva Though each of us is on an individual journey here in this world, there is always a common connection to others. As a coach, I'm able to witness the underlying themes that we all wrestle with. In a recent week of coaching, I saw the same questions coming from quite different people. Though these questions are quite different from the surface, their commonality is love.
If you're struggling to love yourself, stop asking these 3 questions:
1. "Am I the only one who ... ?"
Feels this way? Thinks this way? Struggles with this? Connection with others during this journey in life is part of the deepest of human desires. It's why we laugh with strangers at the grocery store, talk about our favorite television shows and books, and sit down to coffee or cocktails with a friend. We want assurance that in our "individuality," that we are still not alone.
2. "Am I worthy ... ?"
Of feeling that what I do isn't important in the big scheme of things? That what I do isn't valuable to my family? Each one of us is born into this planet, as we are in all of our imperfections, worthy of being loved, following our dreams, and belonging. It's so easy to compare ourselves with others and believe that they work less yet achieve more, while we constantly work hard and struggle for everything.
I'm sorry, but if God wanted everyone to be the same, then there would be no carpenters, painters, writers, chefs, homemakers, or lovers. We would all be androgynous beings, looking the same and doing the same. How boring would that be? What each person does on a daily basis is valuable and worthy. And darling, comparison is truly a thief of creativity and joy.
3. "I love my life so much, so why should I want more?"
This is along the same lines as, "Life is so sweet right now, but I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop." Oh, darling, I know this very well. We finally begin creating the kind of life we dreamed of and are afraid that over time, the shine will dull, or that we should simply be satisfied, or that we should just quit moving forward while we're ahead. I believe that we should continue to grow, learn, and evolve as we age. We may go several years of "leveling out." We may feel that there is nothing new to learn. If you're open and willing, darling, there is. And when things feel less shiny, I can tell you I look at my daily routines and rituals and see where I've become slack, or am not doing what nourishes me.
We are love from the moment we burst forth into this world — we are bundles of curiosity and playful joy. And yes, life happens and our inner critic tries to keep us from "getting into trouble." Many folks had challenging childhoods filled with shame and discipline that wasn't healthy. But now, we are adults. We get to choose how we live our lives. We get to choose love — love of ourselves, our families, adventure, dreams. Love is always going to show you the way.
Of course, the yin to love's yang is fear. Fear is present and a choice as well. We fear — failure, success, not being worthy or loveable, that we don't deserve what we have. Fear appears sometimes as logic. Fear manifests itself in the way of clutter — physical clutter and that "I'm too busy" clutter on our calendars. We can numb out and hide, letting fear rule our way of life.
The thing is, we can step into our fears to choose love instead. Courage is not the absence of fear; it's simply doing it even though it's scary. In fact, this week, do just one thing for the love. Maybe it's relaxing with a book, or sipping coffee at a coffee shop, or playing in the leaves. You know, instead of being busy, or doing chores, or what you should be doing. Choose yourself and choose love. You are the boss of your life. I know it feels scary, but when you make a choice and bravely step into that fear, you will discover that life is richer on the other side of that fear. Because, I promise you, that when you choose love (even if it's not wholly perfect), you will create a life that you love.
Debra Smouse is a life coach and author whose work has been published in TIME, Huffington Post, MSN, Psychology Today, and more.