The Painfully Honest Reason We're Attracted To Married Men And Women
Some people like the allure of a married person.
DAPA Images, lucasazevedodd | Canva Have you ever heard of "spouse poaching"? In today's hookup, shack-up, non-committal dating world, it may be becoming a desperate, last-ditch strategy for some who cannot find a partner to marry or who is worth marrying. Let's back up a bit. There have always been some men who seek out married women for no drama, no-strings intimacy. The website Ashley Madison capitalizes on this. Some men prefer casual encounters with no emotional attachment, and the taboo thrill of sleeping with another man's wife provides a real ego boost.
Indeed, some women prefer and pursue married men for the same reason — intimacy with no commitment and an empowering sense of conquest. But why? Is there a reason why we're attracted to married men and women? Some single people admit to being attracted to married people because of the things they represent, such as stability, reliability, and devotion. It seems that today's bleak dating landscape may cause more people to act on this attraction by actively targeting married people as potential spouses for themselves. After all, research shows that most men and women still list marriage as a life goal.
Why we're attracted to married men and women
For example, if a woman is unable to find suitable husband material or cannot find a man to marry her, all the guys she dates just want casual intimacy or cohabitation at best and she might set her sights on a married man. I've had female clients who admitted to pursuing a married man, even the husband of a close friend because he has already demonstrated his willingness to commit. Of course, the vast majority of single women out there would never consider this tactic; however, it is perhaps an unfortunate outcome of an increasingly non-committal society where some women still long to find a husband, not just a boyfriend. Nor is this trend limited to women.
Many single men are also disillusioned with the hookup dating culture and I've heard more than one say, "If he married her, then she must be worth it." The fact that another man has put a ring on her finger indicates she's been pre-screened as wife material, giving the illusion that she is a better catch than her more available counterparts. It isn't true, of course, but then again it's human nature to want what someone else has. This so-called "wedding ring phenomenon" is backed up by research that demonstrates how people tend to be more attracted to a person they believe is married. I've seen this in action with clients of both genders who, after becoming involved with a married person, admitted that the person's "taken" status did increase his or her desirability.
So why is any of this important? Well, for starters it might help those single people who are drawn to married people have some insight into their attraction and therefore make smarter life choices. It's fine to look, but once you touch you're probably going to get used and hurt. Affairs are messy things and it is unlikely that the illusion of this relationship will lead to any kind of happy reality for you. Even if you do defy the odds and this person leaves his or her spouse for you, all you've accomplished is "winning" someone else's cheating husband or cheating wife. Talk about a booby prize. It's unlikely your relationship with this person will enjoy an abundance of trust or faithfulness. You deserve better.
Knowing that "spouse poachers" are out there can also prevent married spouses from falling into their trap. In my book Couples in Crisis: Overcoming Affairs & Opposite-Sex Friendships, I talk a lot about how "innocent" opposite-gender friendships can quickly lead to emotional and intimate affairs, particularly if the opposite-gender friend is a spouse poacher. These people can be shockingly aggressive and manipulative in their pursuit of a married man or woman. They know precisely what buttons to push. For example, a woman might play the "damsel in distress" and appeal to a married man's desire to feel needed.
She may begin to text him all the time to ask for his advice or help. When his wife expresses concern over this, he defends her innocence, "She’s a nice girl, she just needs me!" which begins to cause marriage problems. One day she's crying on his shoulder about how awful her boyfriend treats her, and the next day she's stroking his ego, among other things. Similarly, a man might compliment a married woman's appearance or character, telling her how lucky her husband is to have her, and lamenting how much he wishes he could meet an amazing woman like her: "I can't believe your husband is working late again. Doesn't he realize what an attractive woman he has waiting for him at home?" Before you know it, their texts have become secretive and physical, and cheating is on the agenda.
Yes, these are superficial and stereotypical examples. They might even seem paranoid. Yet, these are precisely the scenarios I have seen play out in relationships time and time again. Thinking this can't happen in your marriage is naïve and short-sighted. Your marriage might be strong at the moment, but if you're unlucky enough to encounter a spouse poacher when your marriage is going through a time of trouble — as most marriages do — you're in for a world of pain, conflict, divided loyalties, and emotional chaos.
So what's the solution to why we're attracted to married men and women? Should married people take off their wedding rings? Um, no. What they should do, however, is remain vigilant in terms of opposite-gender friendships and commit to building a fortress of love, devotion, and privacy around their marriage and family unit. Prioritize your marital bond above all things and do what you can, every day, to show each other affection, appreciation, and intimacy. Honor your obligation to each other and your kids. And if a spouse poacher does come sniffing around, he or she will move on to easier targets.
Debra Macleod, B.A., LL.B. is an author and conflict specialist who offers a fast, focused, and no-nonsense alternative to couples counseling and ineffective marriage coaching systems.