The #1 Best Quality You Can Bring To A First Date
We need to be open and vulnerable in order to be happy.
Jacob Lund | Canva It's interesting, but it's amazing how people's fear of vulnerability puts them off dating. No matter who you are, or how confident you are, we all feel vulnerability, especially when we start dating someone. Think about it — you don't feel vulnerable when you're single, but once you meet someone who blows you away, all those insecurities and fears creep in.
You've been single for a while, you've processed all your old relationships and you've been working on yourself. You've been on dates that didn't go anywhere, but you don't mind because you know that eventually, you're going to meet someone amazing.
Then it happens. You go out on a date. You connect effortlessly with the guy. You're attracted to him. You love what he has to say. You love the way he says it. You enjoy every minute of the date, and when he kisses you goodbye at the end of the night it feels amazing. You're comfortable and there are no first date nerves at all. You feel more at ease with him than any man you've been with for a while.
You go home and feel amazing. You toss and turn in bed, trying not to think too much about him. You fall asleep with a smile on your face, and then suddenly you think to yourself, "Oh no! I really like this guy!"
You let it sink in and it's a great feeling. Now you feel a little vulnerable. You finally like someone. You get along with them. You've dated a lot and you've been down the road, so you know what you want. What you want is right in front of you. You can see it!
It's all part of being an evolved adult. You just know what you like when you see it, and you wonder whether they feel the same way. It's a natural human reaction. There's nothing you can do to change it, even though society tries to tell us differently.
When we first meet somebody, we're supposed to be cool, calm, and collected. They tell us not to text them too much. They tell us we shouldn't see too much of them. They tell us to play it easy and cool. They tell us not to be overconfident.
You start to use every cliché imaginable. You think to yourself, "I'm going to play this one cool," but in reality, you just want to tell them how you feel. You're bursting to tell them you like them, but the voices in your head remind you that you had said you would play it cool. You tell yourself not to be too excited. After all, what if they don't feel the same way?
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The games we play inside our own heads are ridiculous. I know it's only been one date and you don't want to get carried away, but what you need in your life tends to show up when you need it. You can't let your own fears and insecurities get in the way of that.
You just have to go for it.
The biggest mistake people make when they first meet someone special is to kill the momentum with the negative thoughts and games they play in their heads. They take things slow because that's what someone told them. They don't communicate openly. And it causes so much fear and anxiety that we kill off the nice feelings we have.
When you meet a guy you like, go for it with gusto. Text him. Call him on the phone. Open up to him. Don't waste time analyzing every conversation you have. Go for what feels right to you at the time. As Nike says, just do it!
Just let go of the fear and insecurities, and just enjoy the vulnerability. Enjoy it, and stop worrying because the fear is going to ruin your whole experience. The worst part of meeting someone is going through all the fears and insecurities, but you have to get through them. Most of them are man-made anyway.
Most of our fears are ridiculous too. Enjoy those first few weeks. Enjoy your time together. Enjoy the exploration you're going on. Tell each other how you feel. Tell each other you want to take things further.
Go away for a week. Spend the time together so you can alleviate each other's fears and help each other through that difficult first few weeks. Get rid of the fears, games, and other stuff people have going into a relationship. Be open, communicate clearly, and don't hide behind any stupid dating rules and regulations.
I'm telling you, it's such an amazing feeling when you first meet someone. You're never going to get that feeling back of the first few weeks of exploration and falling in love with someone, getting to know them, getting to know what makes them laugh, and getting to know what makes them happy. It's a feeling you can't replace, so you have to enjoy it. Don't blow it with games and rules!
Sure, getting into a new relationship is a scary feeling. You always worry that they won't feel the same way, even though the chances are they probably do. Talk yourself through the fears, and remember you have nothing to lose.
Just dive in both feet first. It's a cliché, but you do have nothing to lose and everything to gain. The first few weeks of a relationship are such a beautiful and magical time. You feel great. People around you notice it. People see you looking alive and full of energy. You spend your day wondering what they're up to, and if they're thinking of you. It's such a great experience. You just have to go with it.
If you're crushing on someone but have held back because of all those feelings of apprehension, I hope this has helped you. I don't want you to feel afraid. Life is too short to miss the amazing rollercoaster of feelings love gives us!
David Wygant is a dating coach who spent the past 20 years helping men and women transform their love lives. As a lead writer for Ask Men and Huffington Post, his advice has been offered across television, newspapers, and magazines, including MTV, The New York Times, MSNBC, Fox News, Cosmopolitan, Men's Health, E! Entertainment Television, and more.