7 Brilliant Steps That Put Men Who've Cheated In Their Places
The smartest ways to handle infidelity.
Timur Weber | Canva If you suspect your husband is having an affair or is being emotionally unfaithful, do not despair. An affair does not have to mean the end of your marriage.
There are seven specific steps you can take if you have reason to believe he may be unfaithful. There is no guarantee your marriage will survive, but these steps will give you the best opportunity to recover after the affair ends.
Here are seven brilliant steps that put men who've cheated in their places:
1. Gather evidence
Just to be clear, it is very typical for a disloyal spouse to deny they are having an affair, even if you walk in and catch them "in the act", so to speak. They jump up and as they're putting their clothes on they'll say, "It's not what it looks like!"
So this step is intended to confirm to yourself that you are not making a mountain out of a molehill... something really is going on. Before you hack into his computer or install a small tape recorder, you may want to check your state's laws on electronic surveillance.
You're not alone in this either. Statistics from the Pew Research Center tell us that 40% of people admit to going through their partner's phone without them knowing.
Some typical "evidence" could be gathered by looking at emails if he leaves his email open (print them!), looking at his cell phone pictures and texts if his phone is left unlocked, or logging onto your joint cell phone bill online and looking for a large number of minutes to the same phone number.
2. Confront
Timur Weber / Pexels
Go to him directly and tell him to his face that you know about the affair and that you have evidence in a safe place that proves it. Don't tell him where it is, or what it is necessarily, just let him know that you know.
Then, state that for the marriage to work, there cannot be infidelity. Ask him to point blank to end the affair.
Make sure he understands that ending the affair means that he can never, ever contact the other person again. He must agree to be accountable for his time by sharing passwords to all his accounts (Facebook, all email accounts, cell phones... etc.).
3. Disclose
Disclose the affair to one very respected authority who he is likely to look up to and listen to... someone who is likely to be pro-marriage and to tell him that he should end the affair and work on the issues in your marriage. This person could be one of his parents, a religious leader, a teacher, or a boss.
Meet with this person in confidence and explain to them that you expect them to keep the matter confidential, but that you need help. Then explain that your spouse is having an affair and give them the facts. If you can, show them the evidence. Then ask the respected person to help you and support you as you talk to your husband and again ask them to stop the affair.
4. Expose
Expose the affair to those who will likely be affected by a potential divorce. The idea behind exposure is not to drag your husband's name and reputation through the mud but rather to refuse to keep the affair a "secret" and to bring the ugly truth of unfaithfulness to the light of day.
In his mind, he may be thinking something like, "Oh yes we might be disrupting four people's lives, but don't I deserve some happiness too?" What he doesn't realize is that a divorce will not affect four people — it will be like the ever-widening wake of a nuclear bomb, affecting possibly hundreds of people!
For this step though, there should be a focus on the exposure. Contact your own family (parents and siblings), his parents and siblings, his church or place of worship, your co-workers, some of his co-workers, your employer, his co-workers, and the other woman's spouse and inform them of the affair, that it is serious, that your marriage is in trouble, and ask for help. Nothing ends an affair faster than the other woman's spouse screaming and putting their foot down.
5. Utilize the carrot and stick method
Timur Weber / Pexels
In this phase, you focus on two things: working on yourself to once again be the person who attracted your spouse and allowing him to experience the natural consequences of his choices. You should work on yourself by eliminating the things that extinguished love between you two (like judging, angry explosions, enough is never enough, etc.) and by re-visiting the things that kindled the love between the two of you in the first place. You need to do both... but eliminating love extinguishers is the most important of the two.
The second part is about natural consequences. This doesn't mean punishing the disloyal parties, but rather letting them know that you are not leaving the house so they can move their lover in.
If he wants to be with his lover, he will need to move out and the kids do not go with him. There is no reason for the children to leave their home, their bed, their neighborhood, their friends, and their school because he has chosen to be with the other woman.
Therefore, a natural consequence is for your husband to lose some time with your children. He needs to learn that that's the cost of choosing to have an affair and is what will happen if you choose to divorce. Allow him to experience that hurt because it will teach him quickly how much affairs hurt and cost.
6. Explain the consequences
In this step, write your husband a letter and explain that you love him. Admit the things you did to contribute to the affair and indicate what you're doing to end those things.
Then express that unless they end all contact with the other person and never, ever contact her again, you will be forced to end all contact with him. The idea behind this step is to give him a realistic taste of what divorce could be like — to not have you in his life to meet any needs. Statistics state that 15-20% of divorces are caused by infidelity.
If he attempts to contact you, you should say: "Are you calling because you're ready to end the affair? Oh, you're not. Then please respect my wishes for no contact until you're ready to do that. Goodbye." Then hang up.
By this point, it is likely that life is not going well for him. As he persists in doing what he knows is wrong, he might feel the need to have someone to blame for his problems. Hopefully, this fairly drastic, nearly final step will help him to take personal responsibility for his choices.
7. Try a trial separation
The final step that I would recommend before divorce is a legal separation. Many affairs die a natural death within two years. Therefore, I suggest that the couple pursue a legal separation because it will stall the legal process of divorce and protect the family at the same time.
I generally recommend a minimum of one year of legal separation. The disloyal spouse may push for a "quickie" divorce in an attempt to legitimize their affair partner, but if nothing else, a legal separation will give all parties involved a chance to recover from the emotional roller-coaster and a better chance of ending the affair.
Once the affair is over, it's conceivable that he may still decide that he would rather stay apart. But at that point with all good conscience, you will have done all you could to save your marriage.
David and Cindy Taylor are Life, Marriage, and Relationship Coaches who help people end affairs and rebuild more loving, happy marriages.